YUP! It's definitely the drugs.

I was on some sort of IF drugs for so long I lost touch with myself and found myself unable to decipher between my real self and my drugged self. During my break, I slowly started to revert to my less moody, less teary and definitely less bitchy self. I will never be the same of course. Never. But I do know that the bitchy, angry, teary woman of today isn't really me. It's the drugs. I am on my 10th day of stims and I'm really starting to feel it. For absolutely no reason, I want to pound the shit out of something. My poor DH!

Besides that, we are really enjoying Colorado and made this into a mini vacation. We spent Friday in Cheyenne, Wyoming, Saturday in Canon City, and yesterday in Vail. Yes, DH is an adventurer and rarely leaves a moment free! We both worked from the hotel today so it was a pretty uneventful day.

I did get a message at CCRM and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's $50 for an hour and she is not allowed to accept tips. I've been to some top end spas and this is one of the best massages I've ever had.

According to their original schedule, I was suppose to trigger tonight but I'm being moved by at least one day. I'm not really paying much attention to this stuff because I don't want to feel stressed about numbers but I can't help getting some minimal info.

As of this morning, I had 9 or 10 measurable follies. Some were pretty small. My E2 came back at 1924.

Overall, I'm really happy with my decision to come here. They seem very meticulous and detail oriented. I have the peace of mind knowing that I'm with the best.

So I Took a Break...

Just a very quick update.



Thanks to all of you who have been concerned. I am sorry I was such a bad blogger for so long. I thought about writing an update oh so many times but for lack of a better excuse, I didn't.


After my last failure, I was devastated. I realized that I had been on drugs nonstop for well over a year and really needed to give my body and mind a break. Given my obsessive personality, I quickly found new obsessions to focus on. To name a few, since mid April, I studied for and passed the Patent Bar, I implemented a huge event relating to an important case that I am not representing but is very important to me, and I am deeply involved in something else that I don't want to reveal on my blog as I may lose my anonymity. Those of you whom I know personally, know exactly what I am talking about.

So, what did focusing on other things do for me? A LOT! I eventually found my confidence again! The morning I was leaving for the patent bar exam, my conversation with my hubby went something like this:

me: "I am going to fail. I am not prepared, I didn't study enough." (It is true that I wasn't fully prepared as I studied about 1/4 of the recommended amount).

Hubby: "Of course you will pass! You always pass. Stop it!."

Me: "That was before I became a loser."

And I left the house.

On my way to my exam I realized that I had let IF take over not just my body but my identity as well. I was so entrenched in my fertility failure that I saw myself as a failure in everything. I decided right there, on my way to my exam, that I may have IF, but I can't let it define everything I am anymore. I went into the exam with an amazing level of confidence and I passed the exam.

After that, things just started getting better and I started to see the old me again. Of course, there were many moments of IF related sadness but I tried to minimize them and move on as quickly as possible.

Sometime during this process, I got the call from CCRM. I immediately started to panic because I was having too much fun to go back to that hell and wasn't ready for the possible final blow. I also didn't want it to ruin my entire summer. I decided to delay by one month and think. A few days later, after a an amazing yoga session, it all came to me! A thought peeped in and said to go through with retrieval and freeze all of our embies until at least the fall. I immediately knew that was the right decision and it is what I decided to do.

I am leaving for Denver tomorrow evening and retrieval is tentatively set for July 21. I am not stressed out and have barely paid attention to this cycle outside of remembering to do my shots. I hope this continues but I know there will be some moments of stress that will come in the next week or so. I think I'm prepared.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't such a quick update.

Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing phase, one of my bad days.

I had a bad day today.
I had a really bad day.
So much went wrong today.
Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going.
Today, I took a long look at my left over needles and bottles of sodium chloride and I wondered what over the counter drug I could break up and inject myself with for a painless death. Pretty pathetic, I know.

Don't worry, I won't go through with it or anything. I could never do that to my family. Sometimes though, I wish I could. Tomorrow is another day. For sure it will be better than today.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

I stared at a blank blog page for what seemed like hours trying to think of what to write about. Do I write about the moments of happiness I've had over the last week or so because I haven't been obsessed with being infertile? Do I write about how wonderful it feels to get back into the gym on a regular basis? Do I write about the satisfaction I feel from drinking wine and coffee? OR..........Do I write about the deep sadness I feel in my heart every so often when the reality that CCRM may not work sets in? The reality that I will never have a biological child with DH. Ouch. It hurts just to write it. Do I write how I want to delay CCRM so I can hold on to hope? Anyway, I guess I don't have much of an update except that I'm still here and still struggling. While some moments are the best I've had in over a year, others are some of the worst.

If you tempt me my tank is on empty

I'm on edge and I'm fragile. It doesn't take much to set me off. A mere comment is usually enough.

I am worn out. I feel like every day I wake up thinking 'it's a new day' and try so hard to stay positive but something always brings me down and by the end of the day, I can't wait to go to bed and end the day.

It's amazing how much more I appreciate the good moments. They are so few. When I laugh, I notice and enjoy the feeling. When a period of time goes by that I don't think about IF, even if it's just for a few minutes, it feels like a victory.

CCRM: New Hope?

We bit the bullet and went to Denver yesterday for a one day workup at the number one facility in the country, CCRM. Wow what a place! It's beautiful in there and everything is modern. We started the day with a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft. Here is a summary his main points:

1. He told us our best chance is using donor eggs. He was pretty convinced that my egg quality is poor. I told him we are not ready to make the move to donor eggs and he was ok with that.
2. He also brought up my genetic issue: inversion on chromosome 9. I have had 3 geneticists (2 at the same clinic) tell me it has nothing to do with my infertility. The geneticist there said there are 2 studies that show it may be related so she wants me to call her. I will do that today. However, I think I'm going to stick with the other 3's opinion.
3. He told me I have to have an HSG. I have never had one. My clinic only does a saline ultrasound. According to Dr. S, this is not sufficient. He said "IVF will not work if your tubes are blocked and a saline ultrasound can't tell if your tubes are blocked." This really pisses me off because I've asked about it over and over again.


Next, I had a doppler 3D ultrasound (or something like that) and that was very cool! It tests the blood flow to your uterus. There is even a flat screen so the patient can see what is going on. Call me a geek but I thought the technology was awesome. Everything looked good there.

We had a few other meetings, one with the nurse, one with the business office, took some blood, etc. One thing the nurse pointed out is that Dr. Schoolcraft doesn't think ovidrel gives you a 'good ovulation'. I wonder if that's why my last 2 cycles looked so good on paper but didn't work out too well. Another thing I had asked about and was told that HCG and ovidrel will work exactly the same.

Finally, I had a hysteroscopy administered by Dr. Schoolcraft. He said everything look good. He seemed a lot more optimistic at this point. He said my egg numbers look really good and so does everything else.



That was pretty much it. I feel good that we went to the best place there is. I have complete faith in Dr. Schoolcraft. While I think the nurses make all the decisions at my local clinic and the RE is barely involved, I think Dr. Schoolcraft looks at EVERYTHING and makes all of the decisions himself. I think it's worth it to do a cycle there and know that I'm with the best.

The fire still burns, raging through the pain

It hasn't gotten any easier. Even breathing is extra hard. I have to make a conscious effort for each breath. I feel trapped in a body I want no part of. I want to leave but there is no exit. I hate feeling trapped. I hate closed spaces.

Clawing the thin ice

Since Monday afternoon, I feel like I'm walking around with an extra 200lbs of baggage and it sucks. It physically hurts to move. It takes all the energy I have to do the little things like get out of bed or get dressed. I'm so tired but I can't really sleep. I crash our of shear exhaustion only to wake up a few hours later.

The deep sadness I feel seems unbearable. The idea that we may never have our own child is devastating. How could I continue to watch everyone around have theirs without being bitter and hateful? How can I go through a lifetime of answering stupid questions like 'oh, you don't want children?' A lifetime of feeling left out? HOW??? I can hear the whispering already. I'll be the pathetic old bitter woman everyone knows. In time, nobody will remember or know the person I was before all of this.

I have seen the writing on the wall.

BFN.

I can't fucking believe it. 3 failed IVFs. 2 years of TTC and not even a chemical. Are my embies so bad that I can't even get a shitty chemical?

Sitting in a bunker here behind my wall

I am 13dpo. For the first time in two years, I have not POAS. Not because I'm patient. Not because I promised DH...broke several of those promises over the last two years. I haven't because all hope of a BFP has nearly disappeared. I have gotten so many BFNs that I just don't want anymore. Actually, I don't even want to go for the test tomorrow. I'm not ready for the devastation I'm almost certain lies before me.

Here by the fire side

Some pictures from last night's festivities!

DH jumping over candles....

We burned a menopur label to symbolize the injections....

We burned a follicle/ultrasound 'follow up' receipt. Don't want to ever have to do another one of those.

Ok, so we went a little overboard!

Ancient Persian Holiday

Today is a great day! Not only is it St. Patrick's Day but it also a wonderful Persian holiday that has been celebrated for several thousand years!

On this very special night, always the last Tuesday night before the Persian New Year which is precisely at the beginning of spring, we jump over fire and chant a phrase in Farsi that loosely translates to:

"Your burning red color shall be mine, My sickly yellow paleness shall be yours. "

Simply interpreted, the chant means you want the fire to take your paleness, sickness and problems; in return, the fire will give you its redness, warmth and energy. For more information, see:

http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=88863&sectionid=351020105

I live in a condo so the best I can do is light some candles and jump over them. Traditionally, I also burn something that represents bad things from the year before. This year, I will burn a bunch of IF related crap and hope the fire takes in all of it and gives me life (i.e. fertility). In the process, I will wish the same thing for all of YOU. But if you feel daring, go ahead, light a candle and jump over it tonight saying the above chant. You never know. Maybe we will free ourselves from this ugly sickness.

Is this not what you expected to see?

I'm sorry I didn't post an update. I was truly distraught on Saturday (day of transfer). Out of our 4 embies, 2 'arrested' between day 3 and 5. We transferred the other two, one a 12 cell embryo and one morula. I was pretty devastated with this result. It seemed like so much hope was sucked out of me. I actually wanted to slap the embryologist but quickly remembered it's not really her fault.

I'm starting to feel better. It is what it is and there is still a chance one or both of them stick around.

DH and I had a heated screaming match the morning of transfer which is not ideal but we did resolve everything before the transfer.

Thank you all so much for reaching out to me and giving me your words of wisdom. I cherish every word and feel blessed that I have you guys in my life. Even though we may never meet, you are all my sisters and I love you.

Open your heart, I'm coming home.

Transfer is set for tomorrow at 10:30AM. I really hope we have something good to transfer.

I've lost a lot of my spirit this week. DH and I got into a big fight the day after ER and it's been very rocky. He was sooooo perfect until then but blew it. It kind of sucks because it takes away how great he was for so long. I realized that no matter how hard I try to make a cycle perfect, something always gets really fucked up so I'm done trying to control any of this shit. Once again, I really tried to stay positive but this week got ruined. I know I should be excited for my transfer but I am more scared than anything else. Scared that once again, this will not work. Scared of the pain I will feel and the long term suffering I will have ahead of me. Scared of so much. I never use to be afraid of anything. Sorry if I sound down but this IS my pity party damn it!

While DH and I were fighting tonight, he asked me what happened to the girl you use to run through the fields smiling, wearing a cute hat. The girl surrounded by friends and so many people who loved her. The girl who was fun and liked to go out and do things and be social. What happened? She became infertile. That's what fucking happened.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

Out of 12 eggs, only 6 were mature and only 4 fertilized normally. I know I should be happy and grateful to have 4 but I don't understand why the other 6 weren't mature.

Is it because they cycled me even though I had 2 cysts? If so, did the cysts get in the way?
Is it because they should have had me stim an extra day?
Is it because retrieval was 34 hours after I took the ovidrel even though it says to take it 37 hours prior to retrieval?

OR

Is it because my eggs just suck?

The nurse actually said 'maybe we learned something from this and your eggs need to go an extra day to be mature.' Thanks so fucking much. Why didn't we figure this out last time after I only had 5 mature eggs our of 9?

I can't keep going through this. I was so happy and positive this cycle. I don't know what else I could do.

Retrieval

Retrieval went smoothly! We got 12 eggs!!!! I hoping for a good fert report and lots of good quality embies!

I slept most of the day so now it's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake! My ovaries still hurt a lot. It seems like that gets worse with every retrieval.

ER Tomorrow

I have ER tomorrow morning! I'm excited because I had such a better response than I have in the past.



My lining went down a little again yesterday but nobody seems worried about it. Right when I walked in, the u/s said 'so something weird is going on with you'. Thanks! The nurse told me not to worry and it was fine. I did hear the u/s technician say something to the nurse about my lining being cloudy, whatever that means. The only explanation I got was 'we are giving you lots of hormones so sometimes things happen, don't worry'. Yeah, easy for them to say isn't it?


I will ask my RE when I have him cornered...hehe For now, I'm ready to have these ripe eggs removed!

Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet.

Everything was great until this morning.

My lining went down from an 11 something yesterday to a 7 something today (same ultrasound tech). When I brought it to her attention, she looked for the thickest area and it was 9 something. She asked me if I have been bleeding and I haven't. The u/s tech was surprised and so was the nurse. I'm trying not to get too stressed but it does worry me a bit. I'm going back in tomorrow for a follow up.

On the brighter side, I have 14 measurable follicles. 1 or 2 are cysts but even 12 is a really good number for me! E2 was 2375 (yesterday it was 1965).

I have a dream, a fantasy

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger! I've been really swamped at work and other projects!

Here's a quick update:

Follie Check #1: March 2

9 measurable
6 tiny ones
E2: 650

Follie Check #2: Today
10 measurable
? tiny
E2: 1133

I can't help but be excited with these results! They are the best I've ever had so I'm excited to get more eggs and embies this cycle. With all of the bad news we get with infertility, a girl can dream right? So I decided to let my fantasies run wild the last few days. Maybe I will even have some to freeze!!

The tolling of the iron bell

Tomorrow, I go in for my baseline and if all goes ok, stimms start on Wednesday. I'm scared. I've been trying to avoid thinking about IF for the last week or so but it creeps its way into my thoughts often. Each time, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and energy seems to quickly runaway from me. I can't believe I'm going through this AGAIN. I'm so tired of it all. On the one hand, I'm excited to start again and hope this will be it. On the other hand I'm petrified that it won't work. That it will never work, and the thought of that is terrifying.

You slip out of your depth and out of your mind

I am so tired. I seem to be getting a lot of sleep, but I feel really worn out. I use to pull allnigheters without a sweat. I could go weeks without a good night of sleep. What's happening to me? Is it the Estrace I'm taking? Is it my age? I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't remember how it feels to be normal. My boobs seem to have gone from a B to a permanent C.

I'm starting another cycle right away. We had a regroup with our RE last week and he said we can get in on the March cycle. No BCPs this time which is great. I started 2mg of Estrace last Wednesday and I will take it through February 20. I begin injections on February 25. While I really wanted a break, the timing is good and I will definitely take a break before our 4th and final IVF, should this fail.

The last week has been rough. What week isn't? But this time, with the death of a close relative, it was extra painful. And...I'm expected to be the strong one for my sister and the support branch for my mom like I've always been in the past. I don't have any energy left to give. It seems like every day I try to have a little bit of energy, I try to uplift myself and make positive changes but by the end of the day, I end up even more broken than the day before. My mom has some very large burdens and I should be there for her for emotional support. It's the least I can do, but it seems so fucking hard lately.

Sometimes I feel like such a spoiled brat. I should be happy for all that I have and suck up the fact that others lean on me for emotional support. My mom sent me flowers to work. My sister and my mother in law sent me flowers at home. I always tell DH not to bother with flowers or anything for VDAY. I woke up Saturday morning to the 2 most wonderful cards I've ever seen. The first was one of those mooshy I love you cards. The 2nd said we can go shoe shopping! So DH and I spent part of VDAY picking out shoes for me. I am crazy about shoes and have been ever since I was old enough to talk.

Anyway, I feel so fortunate to have so much love around me and to have a DH who spoils me rotten. Yet, I can't seem to completely remove myself from all of the negativity in my life. I feel so tired and weak.

Wish you were here

I've been so wrapped up in my own life, hiding from everyone. Even people I truly love. An aunt I adored passed away this week. She lives in another country. I didn't see her very often, but we were close. I'd adored her since I was very little She even came and stayed with me for a few days this summer. She seemed perfectly healthy. A month or so ago, she started having health problems. I wanted to call her. I really did. But I couldn't. Or maybe I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I was so selfishly wrapped up in my own life I didn't want more sadness in it. I don't know. I've been avoiding everyone lately. It takes such an effort. Well, I really fucked up this time because now she is gone. I have to fucking live with the fact that I kept putting off calling her until it was too late. FUCK. FUCK FUCK. I have to blame IF for this too. The old me would never have done this. NEVER. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. I can't continue avoiding people I love. You just never know.

I am so fucking tired of crying.

Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all

The official word came in. BFN. I held on to some hope. Stupid, I know. But I did. I feel broken. I'm still in shock. Our 4 little embies died inside my body.

DH had an awesome idea though. We are going to San Antonio for a last minute getaway this weekend. I use to travel to Dallas quite often for work. Haven't been there for over 10 years. Can't seem to stop thinking about who I was then, young and fertile and healthy and free from so much pain and baggage. No grey hair to worry about. Carrying 45 lbs less than I do now. So proud to be an independent and educated working woman. No way was I going to be one of those women who just wanted to get married and be a stay at home mom. How things change.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

I tested this morning (9dp3dt) and got a BFN. The 'F' stands for fucking btw. I can't fucking believe it. I feel like someone died. I really thought this was it. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why not me? DH and I have so much love to give. I know we would provide an amazingly fun and nurturing home.

I feel so fucking weak. I feel like this will never work but I can't stop trying. I fucking hate the person this is making me into. I HATE HER. She's everything I hate, bitter, sad & baggy eyes, filled with baggage. I use to be the cheerful fun girl who could laugh at anything. I use to lift everyone else's spirits. Now I can't even lift my own.

I'm not a religious person. At times I believe in positive and negative energy, call it karma if you want. Given my scientific background, I like to think of it as Newton's third law of motion. Whatever it is, that was the extent of my religion, 90% of the time anyway. This cycle made me question my beliefs. I was given sign after sign that this is going to work! This was my cycle. As skeptical as I am, I even promissed that should this cycle work, I will find a more spiritual path. But no. This cycle not only took away another chance of motherhood from me, it took that 10% of hope that I had.

And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too

BEDREST

Today I am 6dp3dt. Every moment is going by SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow. If I learned one thing during my bedrest, it's that I'm quite lazy when I let myself. I had all these plans of things I could do while I'm lying on the couch like get caught up on some work, organize my overwhelming pile of papers and I got NOTHING done! I did obsess on the Internet and I watched a lot of tv. I even discovered the food network! I know, I'm really behind on that. It's actually pretty good. I'm using some recipes and tips this weekend. Ok, I digress. When I finally had to go back to work, it was really hard to get my ass out of bed. I even sat up and contemplated taking yet another day off but I forced myself to go. My point is, it's really easy to be lazy and it doesn't take long to get used to it.

4dp3dt-NOW

Thursday night, I started getting some strange cramps. Friday morning I woke up very crampy and bloated and I started to panic. I was very crampy/bloated all day yesterday and it really freaked me out. OMG this didn't fucking work. Wait, is it implantation cramping? It feels too much like my period. But my period isn't due for another week. But I never really had a full period last month since I was only on BCPs for 10 days so maybe my period wants to come early.

Today I woke up feeling much better. I'm not as crampy but I'm still bloated. For now, I think I've been having implantation cramping and it's starting to go away. That thought may change in the next 30 seconds. I fucking hate this. Yeah, the lunatic is definitely in my head. (Note: Pink Floyd 'Brain Damage' references in post).

Homeward bound..I wish I was

We transferred 4 embies yesterday! YUP, 4!!! The embryologist said that given my history and my age, it is extremely unlikely that more than 2 will implant and transferring the 4 would give us the highest chance of success. I took it.

We had:

2 8 cell embies, top grade
1 7-8 cell embie, next grade
1 5-6 cell embie, even lower grade

She said even the dud 4th embie didn't look too bad and we have a good chance overall. I feel good and I'm glad we are finished with ER and the transfer.

ER was really painful this time. My ovaries still hurt a bit every so often but it's not too bad anymore. I could barely stand or walk on Thursday and Friday. I actually ended up having a hard time Thursday and Friday. I took the prescription pain killers all day Thursday and I guess I was so out of it anyway that I didn't notice specific side effects. Well, woke up Friday in excruciating pain and decided to take 2 more. BIG MISTAKE. I spent the next several hours shaking, blurry and feeling absolutely miserable. It was actually pretty scary. DH was at work and I was upset with him about something that happened on Thursday so I didn't bother asking him to come home. I wish my mom had been here. I felt really lonely and just missed living close to family and friends. It's funny, I really can't figure out what is worse being far from everyone or living close. For the most part, I think the distance is good because I'm not forced to be social the way I would be if I lived near home. This way, I can have my solitude. I generally don't feel like being social anymore anyway. But...on Thursday night and Friday, I really could have used my mom or just someone here with me.

By Saturday, I was feeling a lot better. I spent most of the day cleaning up an extremely messy condo. I hadn't cleaned since before my ER so it was a disaster! I also organized a few closets and got some things in order. I hate being in a messy place, specially a messy kitchen.

I've been on the couch as much as possible since we got back yesterday. If I do this again which I really hope I never do, I will have to plan our my meals a little better and maybe have a cleaning lady come just before my transfer.

Well, I guess I was in need of a little pity party. Mostly because I felt very alone Thursday and Friday. I'm all good now though. I'm glad it's over and I feel even stronger because of it. I love that feeling.

Fert Report

I finally got the call.

9 eggs
5 mature
4 fertilized.

What a relief! Hopefully they will all continue to grow. Transfer is set for sunday.

Staring at the phone.

ER went ok. They got 9 eggs which was a little disappointing because I had so many follicles but the nurse said that not every follicle has an egg in it. I will know how many fertilized sometime today.

I'm in a lot more pain this time. Specially on my left side. I know my left ovary had a lot more eggs than my right one so maybe that's why. I liked the anesthesiologist more this time. Last time, my hand hurt like hell and ended up bruising really badly. This time, I don't have even the slightest discomfort. My throat hurt a lot though. I think they must have stuck something down there.

I hope they call soon and more importantly, I hope I have a good fertilization report. This waiting is agonizing.

Just a little pinprick

Trigger at 10:00PM tonight! I just did the Ganerelix so just the 2 vials of Ovidrel left. That's it for shots and tomorrow will be needle free!

I think I've gone through the entire spectrum of feelings tonight excitement, happiness, fear, doubt, anger, etc. There is just so much riding. I am thrilled at the possibility that I may have lots of eggs but I can't help the thoughts going through my head. Will most of them be overcooked or undercooked? Are they all bad quality? Will any fertilize? What if they don't? Does Ganerelix fry eggs? Why do RE's seem to prefer lupron? Maybe it's because there is no hope with the Ganerelix. But why would the RE put me on this if it didn't work? Did they just let me stim longer to make me feel better? Do they think I'm a lost cause? Minutes later, new thoughts enter my mind. WOW, what if I end up with a lot of fertilized eggs? Maybe even a few to freeze! I'm in a new lab after all. This lab is suppose to be really good. Maybe I'll even make it to a 5 day transfer!!!

It's amazing I haven't signed myself into a mental hospital yet.

It's the final countdown

I had another follie check/blood test today. I have 15 measurable follicles, the smallest one is 10 and the largest one is 27!! My E2 came back at 2385. I am stimming again tonight but I will definitely have ER on Thursday. They will call me sometime tomorrow.

I feel a lot more uncomfortable than I did last time. I am extremely bloated. I'm also really tired. If this were during the 2ww, I'd be sure I'm pregnant! I guess it's good though. It means things are brewing down there.

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery

Ultrasound technicians should really keep their opinions to themselves. They are not doctors and really don't have a clue as to what the doctor will do. The technician's unwarranted opinion is what freaked me out yesterday! I pulled my hair out all morning, kept my office door closed, cried on and off, and billed a fraction of what I should have due to my obsessive research on dominant follicles in between short spurts of legal insight. Argh....And for what? NOTHING. ZIP. There was no reason to panic.

I received the call late in the afternoon. The nurse eased my concerns and told me my RE looks at each person's individual history and response and makes the best determination based on his findings. He determined that I should stim last night and come in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork. She also mentioned that since I had several follicles that are smaller, he may just let the bigger ones go and wait for the smaller ones to have a bigger batch.

We had to wake up at 5:30AM to be at the clinic in time this morning. Dracula was a man this time and so was the ultrasound technician. The male ultrasound technician was a first for me and I felt a little strange talking about my ovaries and follicles with him. Thankfully, that didn't last very long. He said I have 9 measurable follicles and a few smaller ones. I got a call from the nurse and I am to stim tonight and tomorrow night and go back Monday morning for my next ultrasound/blood draw. Looks like I will end up with more than 3. PHEW..What a relief.

Another Brick in the Wall

Things didn't go so well this morning.

I had my 2nd follicle check after 7 days of stims and I have 2 @19, 1 @ 17 and about 6 between 9 and 10.5. I have another 6 tiny ones. So most likely, I will have three mature follicles going into IVF. I hate my body. I can't have just 3! With 10 eggs, 7 mature, ONLY ONE fertilized. What is the point of even going to retrieval with this? I keep trying new things like acupuncture or changing my diet and nothing is helping. I might as well start drinking like a fish again and maybe I should start smoking again too. God knows I know plenty of fertile smokers.

I don't even know if it's possible but I hope they can let some of these others grow. I keep trying to do more, try harder, change more habits, relax, do more yoga, FUCK I even took my belly ring out. Nothing is helping.

On a positive note, my mom sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday without even knowing that I was an emotional mess yesterday. She just felt something.

The needle tears a hole

The physical hole is obvious, the mental one is well beneath the surface.

These drugs really do a number on my fucking head. I was doing pretty well until late yesterday and then something minor really set me off and it was downhill from there. Basically, my dad
is an accountant and I asked him a question about our taxes and he went off on me with one of his typical rants. Meanwhile, DH is harassing me regarding the same question so my family is causing marital problems. As if marriage isn't hard enough, specially with infertility. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship but he's really been pissing me off lately. Every minor thing reminds of every other issue I've had with him during the last 30+ years. I did try to calm down and release the stress but it wasn't easy and I wasn't completely successful. I am now 100% convinced these drugs really fuck with your head and it's nearly impossible to remove yourself from it.

All in all, my family causes me a lot of stress. It's my fault too because I let things get to me, even when I'm not on drugs. I guess family knows exactly how to push your buttons. BTW- my family can also be one of the most supportive and loving families I've ever seen. Sometimes, I wonder if the bad makes the good worth it. Today it doesn't.

Follie check #1

I was pretty nervous about my first follie check after 4 days of stims. Last time, I had 5 mature follicles by today and I decided to convert my IVF to an IUI. Last time I had a very strange protocol. Part of the protocol included 600IU of Gonal F.

The U/S was better than expected, but not ideal. I have one follie at 15, one follie at 13, one at 8 and about 6 baby ones. I hope they all grow. I need as many eggs as I can get to increase our fert rate!

My E2 measured at 339. Last time (with the 5 mature follies) it was around 1700!

I am to continue with my dose tonight 300 Gonal F and 150 Menopur. Tomorrow I will add Ganarelix. My next follie check is friday. I guess they are not too concerned about my dominant follie or they would have me back in sooner.

I could really use a dose of patience! I've got yoga for fertility tonight and acupuncture in the AM so hopefully that will help.

I am more at peace this cycle. Maybe it's the holistic treatment. Maybe it's the new RE. I don't know but I like it.

And so it begins.

BASELINE UPDATE

I almost forgot about my baseline this morning. Thank god DH didn't! I guess after going through this month after month, it gets kind of old. I saw a couple in the waiting room, they were obviously there for their initial consult. You can always tell. Their eyes are lit up, smiles, and feelings of relief that they finally are doing something about their IF scream from their faces. Then there is the rest of us, our heads down and our eyes sad and puffy from crying so much. There were a lot of us there.

I had about 9 AFC's. Kind of a bummer since I had 14 last time but nothing I can do about that. Not much to report other than that. I will get a call later today and if all went well, I will start Gonal F and Menopur tomorrow.

CCRM UPDATE

I had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft of CCRM yesterday. I have mixed feelings about it. He said that our poor fertilization was very unusual, especially since we did ICSI. He hopes it was a fluke and we have a much better report this cycle.

He did not have the full report on my genetic report but he did see that it was abnormal (I have an inversion on chromosome 9). I explained this and he said he is not sure if he agrees with the genetic counselor we saw and if we choose to go to CCRM, he will have us talk to his genetic specialist. I don't know what to think of that right now. On the one hand I think the he is the best and probably knows everything about IF so there probably is an IF problem because of my inversion. On the other hand, I went to a PHD/MD expert on genetics and he told me he sees that often and my IF has nothing to do with that. I want to believe him but Dr. S's words have been biting my brain since I talked to him. I may have to find another genetic counselor and see what he/she has to say.

Basically, Dr. S. said that between my FSH of 12.6, the low fertilization, and the genetic report, if we get a low or no fertilization again, we may need to consider donor eggs. That was really hard to swallow and I wasn't ready for that. I guess a lot depends on this cycle. I am praying to every god that might listen that our last IVF was fluke and our fert will be much much better this time. He said the lab plays a big part on the fert rate and we will be using a different lab this time even though we are using the same clinic. My new RE even mentioned that while he lives so close to the lab in downtown (the one we used last time), he drives well over an hour to do all of his procedures in another lab. For now, I'm holding on to the hope that our problems were lab related.

I'm BACK!

It's a new year and it's time I blog again. The last month or so have been OK. Lots of downs but lots of ups too. The holidays are always a roller coaster for me. The highs are really good but the lows are really bad.

So my IUI's failed. No surprise there. I'm glad that I decided to convert the IVF though. It was the right decision.

I also decided to switch to another RE at my clinic. While I loved my old RE, it seemed that things weren't clicking and every time, I responded worse than the last time. The new RE also has the best reputation at the clinic and I had this nagging feeling that I wasn't with the best. My hubby and I met with him a few weeks ago and we both loved him. I will be going in for my baseline tomorrow morning and hopefully starting drugs on Friday. Expected ER is around the 19th.

I also had a phone consult with a doctor from www.haveababy.com in St. Louis. Apparently, his success rate is amazing. He had some ideas on things to try that sounded encouraging. While we are staying local for this IVF and hope for the best, we are happy to have another choice should this fail.

We also have a consult later this afternoon with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM. CCRM may also be an option in the future but given the cost associated, it will probably be a last resort.

Other than that, I'm having some issues with my family that are causing me stress. I wish I could turn it off so I could have a stress free cycle but I don't think that's possible. I will do my best to focus on yoga and meditation this cycle and limit family interactions to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety that come with it.