Sunday, August 31, 2008

I feel pretty!

So...I got the extreme lashes yesterday and I LOVE them! I didn't even get a full set- just the bare minimum but let me tell you- I no longer need mascara! This is the first time I felt pretty in a really long time. My eyes have been puffy for weeks from crying so much...I've been keeping my head down...not really making an effort to look good. Sometimes getting out of bed takes so much energy there isn't enough left over. Best part of the lashes- no more runny eye make up from crying constantly! I had a pretty good day yesterday actually.

DH is coming home today. It's funny, being alone the first few days were really hard but I'm kind of use to it now. ;-) He emailed me yesterday and asked me to cook a bunch of authentic food for him and his buddies which I am. These guys are here until thursday and then one of my cousins will be here with her husband on thursday (through monday) and another one will show up on saturday. It's going to be very challenging because neither know about IF so I have to pretend I am fine and everything is great. Not sure how I am going to swing that but there is no way they can know.

I got my box of meds on friday..looking at all of the needles and different drugs gave me a headache and I can't help feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this while everyone around me seems to get pregnant after a guy breathes heavy near them. I decided to stay on BCP's for an extra week so that DH's drinking this past week isn't as much of an issue. Call me paranoid but I'm doing everything I can in MY power for this to be a success.

Anyway, I feel like I've hardened over the last few weeks but I also feel stronger. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

High and Low

Well, I actually made some progress yesterday and today! YIPPEE!! I got some work done! I didn't get much sleep last night but I woke up this morning feeling good! I've been trying to keep that feeling going but it's not easy. Bad feelings creep in a lot but I've been trying to move those out. I think it's going to take some practice.

I also scheduled a hair appointment and an appointment to try out extreme lashes!! This is just a minor touch up, where they just give you what they call a feather look instead of the whole shebang, but if I like it I will go all out. I figure I cry way too much these days and I like wearing eye makeup so this is a compromise. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! I think if I take better care of how I look I will feel better. Lately- I've been letting everything go because I really just don't care about most things anymore. I am trying to change that.

I'm trying to get more work done today and even volunteered to do some emergency work...imagine that!!

Anyway, overall- I think today is my first day of something positive after almost 3 really bad weeks. It's a start.

The way I feel right now reminds me of one of my favorite Voilent Femmes songs:

"Good feeling,
won't you say stay with me ...just a little longer
It always seems like you're leaving,
when I know the other one... just a little too well"

The song also reminds me of being very young and an old love saying to me 'put on the killing women song'...but that's a story for another day.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

No Motivation

I have lost just about all of my motivation. I use to be so driven but IF seems to have taken it from me. I keep trying to fight back but keep ending up in the same spot- getting nothing done with absolutely no desire to do anything.

How do I change this? It seems like IF is the one thing in my life that I can't control but I've let go of all of the things I CAN control like my work, my weight and even the simple things like doing my laundry or paying the bills. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I feel so weak and defeated. I've always thought of myself as really strong but this is making me realize that I'm not. :-(

I don't know how other people do it. How do they put IF on the back burner while getting through the day? And how do people really 'drown themselves in their work'? Please, if you know the recipe- I'd like to see it.

Well, today is a new day and I'm going to try again. I'm going to desperately try to focus on my work and actually get things done today.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Yoga for Fertility

Ok. I'm trying everything here. Today was my first day at yoga for fertility and I really enjoyed it. It was a small group of women- all going through IF struggles. I felt an immediate connection with the women there and it felt peaceful. We spent the first part of the class talking about where we are and some challenges. It wasn't a pity party or a b*** session- just a handful of women who share a common struggle talking.

One girl is having ER on Tuesday. She mentioned that she is 28. Once I heard her age- I felt a sting of jealousy and assumed this will work for her. At the end of class, I wished her good luck. She replied "thanks. This is our 4th IVF." I realized how wrong I was to judge her response to treatment based on her age. Here, at 28, she had already gone through 3 failed IVF's and most likely other treatments. As hard as IF is for me, it is probably even harder for young women. At least I can blame everything on my age-whether or not that's true.

The yoga part of the class was very gentle and refreshing. The class ended with several minutes of relaxation. Yeah, this class was a good move for me.

I had a nice chat with DH and we both really miss each other.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Just jealous and missing him...

Well, DH and his friends left a bit ago. I miss him already.

I guess a part of me is really jealous that he has this fun trip with really close friends and without ME while I'm in a very bad place emotionally. I'd love a vacation right now and I'm jealous. I have lots of work to do too and I need to figure out how to cope better. I'm jealous. I guess it didn't hit me how exciting it must have been for these guys and DH to plan this trip and there it was in my face during such a bad time for me. I'm being selfish. DH has a right to go away with his friends and to have fun without me. He didn't plan it like this on purpose. I feel sorry for myself. I'm lonely. Yes, I am being a baby but this is my pity party!! I'm allowed to be that way so there. I wish I were on vacation but I can't even think about that possibility for a very long time.

I really just wanted some time with him before this trip. Some reassurance that I'll be missed. I wish he had wanted to spend some time with me. Now, I just hope he misses me and I'm sure he will but I also think he will happy to get away from IF and me. I haven't been a lot of fun to be around.

Turns out- one of DH's friends had IVF and they are due in a few months! He knows quite a bit about the procedure and everything that goes with it. We talked briefly about it this morning before they left. I was somewhat envious at how involved he seemed to be with their IF and his level of knowledge. I hope he talk to DH about it. I hope he helps DH understand what I'm going through. According to DH, this guy's wife is one of the nicest people he's ever met. I've only met her once and I liked her a lot. Anyway, maybe if DH learns that she turned into the wicked witch of the west during IF- he'll have more empathy towards what I'm going through.

I've got acupuncture again today. I also have to hit the gym. I'm going to clean up as well...I had 3 extra guys here after all! You can only imagine!!

I've got to get back to who I use to be. I use to be a lot of fun, considerate and a really hard worker. Now I'm the mopey girl nobody wants to be around. You know- the one who is always miserable and crying. I use to hate that girl. Now I am her.

I'll try and work on the new plan tonight.

Friday, August 22, 2008


I am so happy the week is almost over. The last week and a half has been one of the worst in my life. I think I am still somewhat in the beginning of the treatment journey so these feelings and pains are new and I haven't figured out how to deal with them yet. I am adjusting though. I've got to get my butt in gear for next week and get out of this mood. I haven't figured out how to do that yet but that is what the weekend is for-coming up with a plan.

I really can't wait until DH's friends are gone. It's very hard to pretend all is ok when I've had one of the worst few weeks of my life. Work sucks too. I cry in my office at least 20 times a day.

DH is making me feel really bad. Saying I never asked him to spend Saturday with me. It's even more hurtful that he is pretending it was something different. I did ask- I pretty much begged and I have proof of it. He is calling me crazy and that I'm trying to ruin his trip, etc. I've been very nice to HIS entertaining even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry my heart out.

Of course I am upset. I have to move to IVF because he won't be around this cycle for an IUI so it's either wait a month or just move ahead and I chose to move ahead. Of course I am angry that he got drunk in my face after promising not to and knowing it can decrease my chance of getting pregnant and increase my chance of miscarriage. How can it not hurt me that he didn't care about that? Am I being unreasonable?

It sucks because I really really love him so much. I'm probably way too demanding. I wouldn't want to be married to me either!

On another note...I've been so exhausted this week. I've been going to bed very early and waking up late. I do tend to wake up quite a bit during the night and sometimes I am awake for an hour or two but overall- I am still sleeping quite a bit and I am still very very exhausted.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Keeping my head above water

Well it's been a pretty bad week but I think things will get much better next week. Maybe this week is a transition week.

I finally broke down and told someone at work what is going on. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wish I had done it sooner but it felt like I was admitting defeat and I didn't want to do that. In any case, it worked out well.

I stopped wearing eye makeup and although I don't like how I look without it- I am enjoying the freedom of crying without my makeup running. I'm going to get some waterproof mascara but I may try getting extreme lashes. I've secretly been wanting extreme lashes for a while but the cost and maintenance involved may be too much for me right now. Still, I already feel so bad- maybe I should do something that helps me look a little better.

DH has disappointed me even more and beyond what I thought possible. I asked him not to drink around me this week and to wait until Saturday- he will have 9 days with his friends to drink. Well, he promised he wouldn't but drank a bit on Tuesday night and then got completely sloshed last night. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't matter. It hurts a lot. I've shown him lots of research that his drinking will 1) affect our chances of conceiving and 2) will increase my chance of miscarriage but he obviously doesn't care. And then to do it in my face knowing how much it stresses me out- well, he obviously doesn't respect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if we will get through all of this together. I love him more than anything but love is not enough for a healthy marriage. Right now, I am really bitter and hurt. I really feel like he put a knife right through my heart and walked away without a second thought.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. One of his friends came yesterday and 2 others are coming today. They will all leave saturday morning. I am going to spend saturday figuring out how to move on and better manage the stress and emotional aspects of IF. I have to do something and I hope that by monday-I'll have it all figured out.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Oh what a day!

I went in for my baseline u/s and bloodwork (day4) and learned that I have 3 cysts. As I walked out of the clinic and headed towards work I stepped in a huge puddle that I hope was anything but pee.

I won't bore you with all of the things that went wrong at work but let me be clear that it wasn't a good day there either.

I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with my insurance to find out if CCRM is covered and if so-what the coverage entails. She said she would call me back today but never did. If my first IVF doesn't work I plan to go to CCRM so long as I'm covered.

I waited patiently for the nurse to call me with my numbers but she never called. I called just before the clinic closed and left her a message. I never heard back. I am suppose to start BCPs tomorrow but I don't know if the cysts change that so I started to panic. An hour or so later- I decided to email my she regrets giving me her email! She replied but didn't really tell me much except that my FSH is 12.6, the highest it's ever been. I became devastated and scared. She also said she believes I will have a good response to the meds. Now what does that mean? I will have poor quality eggs but I'll have a lot of them? I hope my FSH doesn't stop me from conceiving. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is. I am so scared.

I am so angry with myself for waiting too long to get married and waiting too long before I went to an RE. I hope I didn't screw my chances. I know I need to patient to see how the IVF goes but it's not very easy. I feel like I made all of the wrong choices in life. I shouldn't have cared so much about getting an advanced degree, I shouldn't have cared so much about having a career, I shouldn't have cared so much about waiting for the right time to get married, the right time to get settled in my career, save $, and so many things. I would give all of that back to have a child. All of it. I always thought it would work once I was ready but it hasn't.

Well I need to get out of this funk as I cannot keep living like this. I'm so depressed and it's affecting the rest of my life. This is not who I am. I am soooo strong when it comes to everything else. I can't believe I am so weak about this. Well, I'm going to think of ways to become stronger and to better deal with IF since it looks like I will have to live with it for at least a little longer. I am really not a negative person. I'm actually quite the opposite. I need to find ways to incorporate that part of who I am into this. I've got to.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sunday night

I really hate Sunday nights because I know I have at least 5 work days ahead of me. I got a lot done today though so I feel good about that.

I had nice long talks with both my mom and my sister. My mom is the most amazing mother in the world and her favorite thing to do is mother. I know it hurts her deeply not to have grandchildren. She's been wanting them for so long but I wasn't always ready and I wasn't always married either. Anyway, we didn't talk about IF but it was a nice talk. I know she senses something is up with me because I've been distant but I made it sound like I'm really busy at work (which is true) but not why I've been distant.

My sister brought up IF and I told her we will be doing IVF and she had lots of questions! She made a few comments because she didn't know any better but once I explained why what she said is inaccurate- she listened. She really listened. I know she wants me to have a baby and gives 'advice' to help. I love that girl. I didn't talk about it too much though because it's very hard for me to do that on the phone. I can do it in person and I can do it through email but I don't want to breakdown over the phone. She will visit just a few weeks after my IVF so I will either be really happy or really sad- either way, the timing is perfect because I will need her.

I keep flip flopping on whether I'd rather be living closer to my family right now or not. On the one hand-the support would be great and they would offer lots of hugs. On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to hide when I'm having really bad days...or weeks and they would try to 'help' which may not always be helpful.

Nothing new with DH. He has stayed away all day and he is clearly mad at me. I really don't care right now. He said I'm punishing him but I'm not. I would only punish to teach a lesson. I know he doesn't regret his choice yesterday and never will. I'm just hurt. I will get over it. By the time we get to spend QT together I will really be longing for it. He is, after all, my one and only soulmate. If I'm sure of one thing-that is it.

Feeling better

Well I am feeling much better today! It seems I woke up in a better mood.

DH came home around 8:30. He knew I was upset but I asked him to let me do my own thing and he did. I have a lot to do today so I won't be spending much time with him today either. Guess we have to wait about 3 weeks before we can get some good QT. Oh well.

I need to give my sis a call today. I miss her so much and I haven't talked to her much lately because I've been so down but I know she needs me for certain things in her life right now and I should be there for her. It's soooooooooo hard for me to talk to people I love right now. I'm sure I seem distant and they are hurt by that but I am so consumed with IF that I can't focus for too long on anything else...and I don't want to break down. That usually leads to a well meaning comment that ends up really hurting me and making me feel worse. I did talk to some other relatives yesterday. Even though I didn't bring up IF or anything relating to the subject and I pretended that everything is good- they managed to make me feel better somehow. Probably hearing their voices and knowing they love me is soothing on it's own.

Update.....DH is mad at me now because I told him I can't spend time with him today and telling me I'm being a baby. Maybe that is true but I'm also spending the day cleaning up and cooking for HIS visitors that are coming...besides the fact that I have work work to do. Yeah, maybe I am being a bit of a baby but I told him today is my work day- I knew I would be too devastated yesterday to get anything done. I tried to clean up yesterday but I couldn't. Yesterday was my free day. I usually take saturdays off because after monday-friday- I really need a break. This time with the BFN and the shock that I have to move to IVF- I just needed that day. Wish we could have done something together like go to the lake or a movie or something but it didn't work out and I took the day off anyway. Why am I the jerk here?? He had a choice and he made his choice. He will just have to wait a few weeks to spend quality time with me.

So...another rant about DH. This trip he is going on- well, he is going to get very drunk the entire time. Everything I've read tells me that won't be very good for his boys but there is no way he will compromise on the drinking for this trip. My best friends from college were here last week and I didn't have one drink while they got trashed every night. I don't know why he can't do that for me or at least limit the drinking but he can't. I hope it doesn't end up mattering. I'm wondering if I should put off the IVF by a month to accommodate his drinking vacation.

I know I sound very angry and I am but my DH can be amazing...he usually makes me laugh and does so many little things to make me happy. I love spending time with him. This just hasn't been a good week for us.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Drinking alone

I had my acupuncture and honestly- I don't feel any different. I was wrong. I really couldn't relax. I'm going to give it a few more tries before I completely give up on that.

Well...I guess I will be drinking alone. DH sent me an email saying it will be hours before he is home even though he had promissed even before I got upset about him going out today that he would spend tonight with me. Guess he's having a great time. I hope to be asleep when he gets here because I'm not interested in a fight and he will know that I am upset and he will bug me until a fight develops. A fight will definitely upset me more than I am now. I am really hurt by his decision today and nothing will take it away as the day is over and the night won't happen either. I don't need to punish him with a fight but I also don't want to spend time with him when he does finally come home. He said he'd spend the night with me when he first told me his plans. I practically begged him to spend the day with me. Ultimately, he chose to spend neither. Not much that can be done about that. He saw how I've been all week...he saw me break down so many times...he heard the RE talk about IVF and how invasive it is and how scared I am about it...he saw me devastated when I got my BFN...he learned from a therapist at the clinic how traumatizing this is for most women...he heard me talk to my RE about possible anti-depressants...he knew all of this and yet not only did he still go for the entire day after I begged him not to- he is staying out all night too. That just hurts bad. Really really bad.

This is why I almost never ever ask anyone to do anything for me. Never. I never do because I hate receiving a 'no'. Sometimes I try to give hints but I never actually ask. This time I didn't only ask- I practically begged. It's a bad day for me. I wouldn't want to be around me either if I were somebody else but I have no choice.

I feel so incredibly alone but I know I'm really not. I have such a wonderful family and group of friends I could call right now to feel better but I won't. I'd rather just have my pity party alone.

I'm probably going to have 100 posts before tomorrow but don't worry-I usually don't have this much free time. I really should have spent the day cleaning up, laundry, etc. but I could barely get out of bed this morning. I decided I just can't do anything productive today.

Ready for acupunture

I took a nice long bath and had another breakdown. I hope I'm done with those for today. They are really getting in the way!

I'm leaving for acupuncture soon. Some German study found that adding acupuncture during IVF cycles improves chances of a BFP. From what I could tell-the study was done in a very scientific/statistically accurate manner. I'm all about science so I decided to sign up. I had it done once- just before I started IF treatment. I found it very difficult to relax and stay still (just not in my nature). I think with all of the crying I have done and how drained I feel that I will be ok this time.

Tonight will be filled with drinking wine at home.

My First Post...

Well this is my first post in my first blog. I've been wanting to blog for years but I never thought infertility would be my topic but here we are...

I decided to start a blog mostly to have a place to vent and hold my pity parties so I apologize in advance. I'm usually a very cheerful person and known by those close to me as the person they can always count on for a smile or a comforting ear. I haven't been doing much of either lately...

I live far from family & close friends so my poor DH has had to put up with the majority of my breakdowns. I don't want to burden family & friends with this and usually when I do talk to them- I end up getting hurt by their well meaning comments anyway. One reason I decided to blog about this is to take away some of the pressure I put on DH through our journey.

Today is a very difficult day for me. I got the official BFN yesterday but I knew it was coming. It still hurt bad. We have decided to move forward with IVF. I'm not 100% comfortable with it and wish we could do one more IUI w/inj but both my RE and DH think it's best to go with IVF. I am scared of the meds- I am scared of the rollercoaster and most of all- I am scared of failure.

My DH is my soulmate. We fell in love from the moment our eyes met and could not stop the amazing attraction we had towards each other from day 1. However, I am a little upset with DH these days. Sometimes he really doesn't know how to act or what to say and when I am being completely unreasonable or I am moody (due to the drugs and the emotional pain of IF)- he says some really hurtful things. Words like 'if you could just relax it will happen' throw me into a rage. I hope he is learning. I know this isn't easy for him either. Anyway, he has some friends coming this week and then they are going away for all of next week including the 2 weekends. Once he comes back, I will have visitors the next weekend. We also had visitors last weekend. So, basically, this weekend will be our only weekend together out of 5. What did DH do today? He decided to spend the day riding his motorcycle with a friend. I asked him to do it tomorrow because I have work and errands to run tomorrow but his friend couldn't so DH didn't budge. I am very hurt. I know he loves to ride and I don't want to take that from him but it would have been nice if we could have done something together today...specially after the week I've had and the upcoming weekends I just mentioned. I just wish he would have preferred to spend the day with me instead.

I know I have not been easy to live with and I hate the person I'm becoming. I want the old me back so bad. Last night, DH and I went out for a nice dinner and drinks. I pretended I was younger and back in law school and just enjoying a typical night with my boyfriend (who is now DH). The vodka helped take IF off my mind for a bit. It was wonderful. I loved every minute of my pretend world.