Oh what a day!

I went in for my baseline u/s and bloodwork (day4) and learned that I have 3 cysts. As I walked out of the clinic and headed towards work I stepped in a huge puddle that I hope was anything but pee.

I won't bore you with all of the things that went wrong at work but let me be clear that it wasn't a good day there either.

I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with my insurance to find out if CCRM is covered and if so-what the coverage entails. She said she would call me back today but never did. If my first IVF doesn't work I plan to go to CCRM so long as I'm covered.

I waited patiently for the nurse to call me with my numbers but she never called. I called just before the clinic closed and left her a message. I never heard back. I am suppose to start BCPs tomorrow but I don't know if the cysts change that so I started to panic. An hour or so later- I decided to email my RE....bet she regrets giving me her email! She replied but didn't really tell me much except that my FSH is 12.6, the highest it's ever been. I became devastated and scared. She also said she believes I will have a good response to the meds. Now what does that mean? I will have poor quality eggs but I'll have a lot of them? I hope my FSH doesn't stop me from conceiving. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is. I am so scared.

I am so angry with myself for waiting too long to get married and waiting too long before I went to an RE. I hope I didn't screw my chances. I know I need to patient to see how the IVF goes but it's not very easy. I feel like I made all of the wrong choices in life. I shouldn't have cared so much about getting an advanced degree, I shouldn't have cared so much about having a career, I shouldn't have cared so much about waiting for the right time to get married, the right time to get settled in my career, save $, and so many things. I would give all of that back to have a child. All of it. I always thought it would work once I was ready but it hasn't.

Well I need to get out of this funk as I cannot keep living like this. I'm so depressed and it's affecting the rest of my life. This is not who I am. I am soooo strong when it comes to everything else. I can't believe I am so weak about this. Well, I'm going to think of ways to become stronger and to better deal with IF since it looks like I will have to live with it for at least a little longer. I am really not a negative person. I'm actually quite the opposite. I need to find ways to incorporate that part of who I am into this. I've got to.