Thursday, April 23, 2009

Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing phase, one of my bad days.

I had a bad day today.
I had a really bad day.
So much went wrong today.
Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going.
Today, I took a long look at my left over needles and bottles of sodium chloride and I wondered what over the counter drug I could break up and inject myself with for a painless death. Pretty pathetic, I know.

Don't worry, I won't go through with it or anything. I could never do that to my family. Sometimes though, I wish I could. Tomorrow is another day. For sure it will be better than today.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

I stared at a blank blog page for what seemed like hours trying to think of what to write about. Do I write about the moments of happiness I've had over the last week or so because I haven't been obsessed with being infertile? Do I write about how wonderful it feels to get back into the gym on a regular basis? Do I write about the satisfaction I feel from drinking wine and coffee? OR..........Do I write about the deep sadness I feel in my heart every so often when the reality that CCRM may not work sets in? The reality that I will never have a biological child with DH. Ouch. It hurts just to write it. Do I write how I want to delay CCRM so I can hold on to hope? Anyway, I guess I don't have much of an update except that I'm still here and still struggling. While some moments are the best I've had in over a year, others are some of the worst.

Friday, April 3, 2009

If you tempt me my tank is on empty

I'm on edge and I'm fragile. It doesn't take much to set me off. A mere comment is usually enough.

I am worn out. I feel like every day I wake up thinking 'it's a new day' and try so hard to stay positive but something always brings me down and by the end of the day, I can't wait to go to bed and end the day.

It's amazing how much more I appreciate the good moments. They are so few. When I laugh, I notice and enjoy the feeling. When a period of time goes by that I don't think about IF, even if it's just for a few minutes, it feels like a victory.

CCRM: New Hope?

We bit the bullet and went to Denver yesterday for a one day workup at the number one facility in the country, CCRM. Wow what a place! It's beautiful in there and everything is modern. We started the day with a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft. Here is a summary his main points:

1. He told us our best chance is using donor eggs. He was pretty convinced that my egg quality is poor. I told him we are not ready to make the move to donor eggs and he was ok with that.
2. He also brought up my genetic issue: inversion on chromosome 9. I have had 3 geneticists (2 at the same clinic) tell me it has nothing to do with my infertility. The geneticist there said there are 2 studies that show it may be related so she wants me to call her. I will do that today. However, I think I'm going to stick with the other 3's opinion.
3. He told me I have to have an HSG. I have never had one. My clinic only does a saline ultrasound. According to Dr. S, this is not sufficient. He said "IVF will not work if your tubes are blocked and a saline ultrasound can't tell if your tubes are blocked." This really pisses me off because I've asked about it over and over again.

Next, I had a doppler 3D ultrasound (or something like that) and that was very cool! It tests the blood flow to your uterus. There is even a flat screen so the patient can see what is going on. Call me a geek but I thought the technology was awesome. Everything looked good there.

We had a few other meetings, one with the nurse, one with the business office, took some blood, etc. One thing the nurse pointed out is that Dr. Schoolcraft doesn't think ovidrel gives you a 'good ovulation'. I wonder if that's why my last 2 cycles looked so good on paper but didn't work out too well. Another thing I had asked about and was told that HCG and ovidrel will work exactly the same.

Finally, I had a hysteroscopy administered by Dr. Schoolcraft. He said everything look good. He seemed a lot more optimistic at this point. He said my egg numbers look really good and so does everything else.

That was pretty much it. I feel good that we went to the best place there is. I have complete faith in Dr. Schoolcraft. While I think the nurses make all the decisions at my local clinic and the RE is barely involved, I think Dr. Schoolcraft looks at EVERYTHING and makes all of the decisions himself. I think it's worth it to do a cycle there and know that I'm with the best.