Wednesday, February 24, 2010

But it was only fantasy. The wall was too high, as you can see.

To make a long story short, 1 fertilized.

It's over.

I give up.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I sentence you to be exposed before peers

I got an extremely painful phone call tonight. Here I am in Denver, on our 6th ivf procedure. Our savings GONE, vacation time GONE and hope about 90% gone and I got a phone call. One of my very best friends is a man and he knows everything we've been through the last few years. Anyway, he called adn this is how the conversation went:

Him: "where are you? What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm in Denver."
Him: "Are you getting poked?"
Me: "yes"
Him: "Does it hurt?"
Me: "not so much physically."
Him: "well good luck. Guess what? I'm going to be a dad."

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

I can't get away from it. I'm happy for him. I know this is something he's wanted since he was in his early 20's but never had a long term girlfriend. He's only been with this girl for maybe 6 months and they weren't actually trying. She's my age. WHY is it so easy for everyone else???

I just finished telling my mom and her response was "lots of people have other issues you don't have. You only think this is so terrible because it is happening to you." I know she wants to make me feel better and ALWAYS does whenever anything else was wrong but this is an area where I wish she'd just hug me and not give me an opinion.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

I had a huge breakdown today. I f*ing hate my gut. I knew this protocol wasn't going to work well for me but I decided to defer to Dr. Schoolcraft who assured me that he believed I would be "pleasantly surprised." After all, I'm not a doctor. What the fuck do I know?

A history of my IVF cycles:

#1 - MDL. 10 eggs, 7 mature, 1 fertilized. BFN

#2- MDL 5 mature follies after 4 days of meds. I canceled the cycle (converted to IUI) and switched my RE. BFN

#3- Antagonist- 9 eggs, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. BFN

#4 EPP Antagonist- 12 eggs, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. BFN

#5 switched to CCRM- 9 eggs, 4 fertilized and frozen on day 1.

After #5, I had a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he convinced me to do another MDL protocol even though I was hesitant given my past experience with it. He believed I would end up with more eggs. Guess what? I have about 5 good looking follies and will likely trigger tonight. Given our history, we will end up with 1 or 2 fertilized eggs if we are lucky.

I know it's not over but it's obvious to me how this will end up. Here I am, wasting more money for another IVF and we won't be cycling again. I know I recently said I was done but I don't know anymore. I don't like being done before I succeed but $ is going to control this and it sucks. I probably just feel like this because I'm in the middle of it all. I knew this would be an emotionally tolling experience which is why I avoided it for so long. In any case, I can't wait for this to be over. It really just sucks.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Hello? Is there anybody in there?

Not sure if any of my old buddies are around anymore. From what I can tell, almost all have conceived and I am really happy for all of them (you). Whenever an infertile conceives, it gives the rest of us some hope. Anyway, it's been quite a while since my last post. 7 months actually. WOW. Time flies....Here's my not so brief update.

Our cycle in July was ok. We ended up with 4 embies that are still frozen. After that cycle, I needed another break from everything. Over 2 years of treatments just got the best of me and I was tired of it all. I also got really busy with other things and decided I cannot allow the weight gain, the schedules, the emotional pain, the hormones, and the absolute control of my life to continue while I just "waited" for something to happen that didn't look like it would. DH and I went on a bunch of trips and went back to our old lives; free from needles and schedules, back to the gym, alcohol and coffee, etc. I kept my pain inside, hidden from almost everyone.

I knew I wanted to do another frozen cycle at CCRM (so that I could have more embies to work with) but I didn't know when. I got laid off in December and decided, it's the right time to have another cycle. I also realized, that no matter what, even if I win the lottery, this will be my last IVF cycle with my eggs. I've had enough. I used to think that I was crazy enough to cycle over and over and over again until I find that golden egg but I'm ready to throw in the towel. There is almost so much a person can take and as many wise woman told me, I will know when I've reached my limit. They were right.

On Wednesday we are heading to Denver. My mom is coming too. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her. Retrieval is set for around 2/24. I'm looking forward to closing this painful and long chapter in our lives. No matter what the outcome, I will never understand why it's been so hard for us. I'll never be who I would have been had we never been through this. But I do think the worst is over. I do think that I've come to accept that this may not happen for us and there's nothing we can do about it. These are the cards we were dealt and we can either bury ourselves in a hole or we can keep living. I also know that we are much closer now. We are both more compassionate towards other people. We are less judgmental. And of course, we are much much stronger.