Sunday, February 21, 2010

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

I had a huge breakdown today. I f*ing hate my gut. I knew this protocol wasn't going to work well for me but I decided to defer to Dr. Schoolcraft who assured me that he believed I would be "pleasantly surprised." After all, I'm not a doctor. What the fuck do I know?

A history of my IVF cycles:

#1 - MDL. 10 eggs, 7 mature, 1 fertilized. BFN

#2- MDL 5 mature follies after 4 days of meds. I canceled the cycle (converted to IUI) and switched my RE. BFN

#3- Antagonist- 9 eggs, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. BFN

#4 EPP Antagonist- 12 eggs, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. BFN

#5 switched to CCRM- 9 eggs, 4 fertilized and frozen on day 1.

After #5, I had a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he convinced me to do another MDL protocol even though I was hesitant given my past experience with it. He believed I would end up with more eggs. Guess what? I have about 5 good looking follies and will likely trigger tonight. Given our history, we will end up with 1 or 2 fertilized eggs if we are lucky.

I know it's not over but it's obvious to me how this will end up. Here I am, wasting more money for another IVF and we won't be cycling again. I know I recently said I was done but I don't know anymore. I don't like being done before I succeed but $ is going to control this and it sucks. I probably just feel like this because I'm in the middle of it all. I knew this would be an emotionally tolling experience which is why I avoided it for so long. In any case, I can't wait for this to be over. It really just sucks.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry - I so wish that the outlook was better for more has to be so frustrating. I cannot ever say that I know how anyone else feels but I never responded well to IVF stimulation either (3 IVF cycles, 18 eggs total, only 6 made it to transfer - two pregnancy losses and a bfn) - and I still cringe when I think of how/why they chose the protocols that they did when I end up pg with twins using clomid (and donor sperm)????!!!! WTF??

You know your body - and I hope that you have your miracle in one of the embryos that you have - and will have through this cycle.


jaakaay said...

Hang in there...don't lose sight that you already have some frozen from the first ccrm cycle. Let's hope for good quality over quantity. This is a weird odds game and you certainly are due to hit the jackpot. Keep us posted. xoxo-jackie

Nikki said...

I'm sorry things are looking rough right now. Hang in there, and try and focus on the "quality over quantity" philosophy.