Monday, July 20, 2009

YUP! It's definitely the drugs.

I was on some sort of IF drugs for so long I lost touch with myself and found myself unable to decipher between my real self and my drugged self. During my break, I slowly started to revert to my less moody, less teary and definitely less bitchy self. I will never be the same of course. Never. But I do know that the bitchy, angry, teary woman of today isn't really me. It's the drugs. I am on my 10th day of stims and I'm really starting to feel it. For absolutely no reason, I want to pound the shit out of something. My poor DH!

Besides that, we are really enjoying Colorado and made this into a mini vacation. We spent Friday in Cheyenne, Wyoming, Saturday in Canon City, and yesterday in Vail. Yes, DH is an adventurer and rarely leaves a moment free! We both worked from the hotel today so it was a pretty uneventful day.

I did get a message at CCRM and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's $50 for an hour and she is not allowed to accept tips. I've been to some top end spas and this is one of the best massages I've ever had.

According to their original schedule, I was suppose to trigger tonight but I'm being moved by at least one day. I'm not really paying much attention to this stuff because I don't want to feel stressed about numbers but I can't help getting some minimal info.

As of this morning, I had 9 or 10 measurable follies. Some were pretty small. My E2 came back at 1924.

Overall, I'm really happy with my decision to come here. They seem very meticulous and detail oriented. I have the peace of mind knowing that I'm with the best.

Monday, July 13, 2009

So I Took a Break...

Just a very quick update.

Thanks to all of you who have been concerned. I am sorry I was such a bad blogger for so long. I thought about writing an update oh so many times but for lack of a better excuse, I didn't.

After my last failure, I was devastated. I realized that I had been on drugs nonstop for well over a year and really needed to give my body and mind a break. Given my obsessive personality, I quickly found new obsessions to focus on. To name a few, since mid April, I studied for and passed the Patent Bar, I implemented a huge event relating to an important case that I am not representing but is very important to me, and I am deeply involved in something else that I don't want to reveal on my blog as I may lose my anonymity. Those of you whom I know personally, know exactly what I am talking about.

So, what did focusing on other things do for me? A LOT! I eventually found my confidence again! The morning I was leaving for the patent bar exam, my conversation with my hubby went something like this:

me: "I am going to fail. I am not prepared, I didn't study enough." (It is true that I wasn't fully prepared as I studied about 1/4 of the recommended amount).

Hubby: "Of course you will pass! You always pass. Stop it!."

Me: "That was before I became a loser."

And I left the house.

On my way to my exam I realized that I had let IF take over not just my body but my identity as well. I was so entrenched in my fertility failure that I saw myself as a failure in everything. I decided right there, on my way to my exam, that I may have IF, but I can't let it define everything I am anymore. I went into the exam with an amazing level of confidence and I passed the exam.

After that, things just started getting better and I started to see the old me again. Of course, there were many moments of IF related sadness but I tried to minimize them and move on as quickly as possible.

Sometime during this process, I got the call from CCRM. I immediately started to panic because I was having too much fun to go back to that hell and wasn't ready for the possible final blow. I also didn't want it to ruin my entire summer. I decided to delay by one month and think. A few days later, after a an amazing yoga session, it all came to me! A thought peeped in and said to go through with retrieval and freeze all of our embies until at least the fall. I immediately knew that was the right decision and it is what I decided to do.

I am leaving for Denver tomorrow evening and retrieval is tentatively set for July 21. I am not stressed out and have barely paid attention to this cycle outside of remembering to do my shots. I hope this continues but I know there will be some moments of stress that will come in the next week or so. I think I'm prepared.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't such a quick update.