Saturday, September 27, 2008

I've been tagged!!

I have been Tagged by Nikki so here are 7 random/weird facts about me!!

1. I LOVE to dance! I've taken years and years of lessons and still spend a majority of my exercise time taking dancercise type of classes.
2. My favorite subject has always been MATH...calculus is my absolute favorite.
3. I have my gold award in girl scouting and even represented my council at the national girl scout convention when I was in high school.
4. I love talking about taboo subjects such as politics, religion and abortion.
5 I've had a shoe obsession since I was 3 years old. My mom even got me a necklace with a gold shoe pendant at that age. I have at least 15 pairs of shoes in my office alone and I often change them 2-3 times a day.
6. I'm really excited the 80's are back in style and I've been stocking up on 80's wear, especially if it's purple.
7. I have a really loud laugh. Sometimes, when people at work are looking for me, they listen for my laugh and then come running over.

Now I'm going to try and find some others to tag so I will edit this post once I do!

Our little embie!

We had ET today and our little embie not only survived but was also an 8 cell and best possible grade!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and prayers!! Someone on webmd mentioned that our embie is a fighter like Rocky and I LOVE it because Rocky is one of my favorite movies of all time and I always listen to the theme song and eye of the tiger during hard times or when I need to be strong. I told DH if we have a boy we can name him Rocky but DH wasn't very amused. Oh what does he know anyway!!!

So now, I'm still a little groggy from the Valium and I am resting on the couch. I will probably want to kill myself by sometime tomorrow. :-))

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Only one fertilized :-((

I am sad to report that only one fertilized. ONE. They ICSI'd 7 but only one? How is that possible? Of course, as typical clinic fashion, they are not telling me anything yet- just 'don't worry, you have one and that's all it takes.' YES, it only takes one. Of course we all know that. But really, who is to say that this one will even make it to transfer? I was really hoping for a 5 day transfer but that is out. I was really hoping to transfer 3 but that is out as well.

I was trying so hard to stay positive and now this. It's like I'm being tested over and over again. How much can you handle Darya, SURPRISE- here is another knife deep into your IF wound.

How am I suppose to go back to work tomorrow? How am I suppose to go on day by day resuming normal life activities with all of this going on? I have a lunch meeting with a partner tomorrow. How exactly am I suppose to act? Like everything is great? How can I pretent I actually care about anything other than my one little embie surviving?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

ER Tomorrow!

ER will be tomorrow morning at 10:00AM! I'm pretty excited!! I am a little nervous because I've never gone through this before and I'm a control freak but I'm sure everything will go smoothly. It will be nice not to have to do any more injections, that's for sure.

Overall, I've had a pretty good week. I upped my yoga practice which I think really helps. I always do better when yoga is in my life! Last weekend, I had a turning point. Things were really really bad and I just didn't see them getting any better. I realized that I am stuck with IF and I have 2 choices- I can either let IF destroy me or I can let it help me become a stronger woman and a better person. I'm not saying IF will never hurt or I'll never have a pity party again. I'm just going to try to manage it a little better. It was really really bad. I'm sure the fact that I am finally at ER is helping. I think we all do better when we are actually stimming or working on a cycle.

Anyway, I will write more about my transformation later. It's going to be a very very slow process but it's a step in the right direction.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Stims Update

Tonight is day 7 of my stims. I am taking Microdose lupron, Gonal F, and Menopur.

Here is the summary:

Sunday- Sept 18
-one follie at 8 and one at 10
-8 other possibilities
I freaked out for the next 2 days that I have a maximum possibility of only 10 and already have 2 that are bigger than they should be.

Tuesday- Sept 20
-2 follies- 9 and 11
- 6 other possibilities
I freaked out for the next 2 days that I will be canceled and that I am a poor responder and I will never be successful.

Thursday- Sept 22
-6 follies
-5 other possibilities
I was finally a bit relieved. The results aren't ideal but better news than I had received. Everything is relative.

Next appointment: TOMORROW MORNING!

I am feeling pretty crappy from the stims but I'm ok with it because I see it as a good sign. 2 friends told me this week that I look like I've lost weight which is strange because I am definitely bloated. Who cares though. A compliment is a compliment!! :-))

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Belly ring has to go

Well, I've been avoiding this for several weeks now but I promissed my acupuncturist that I will remove my belly ring for my next appointment. He seems to think it will make a difference. I think he's just trying to take away my last piece of youth. Ok, I'm sure he's not evil but I LOVE having a belly ring and as stupid and trivial as it may seem- it does give me a connection to the time I got it, years ago, when things were better and I had all the answers.

Ok IF, you can have my belly ring too. Just let me enjoy it for one last night. Is there anything else I can get you? Will you at least take some excess weight? No? That's the one thing you like giving me instead of taking. I hate you IF. I hate you.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Late night pity party....AGAIN

Every week I think 'this has got to be the worst of it' until the next week sticks out its ugly head and shows me there is more to come. I don't know when the last time I went an entire without balling my eyes off at least once. I use to go months without crying. Months. I wish I appreciated that time. I wish I knew then how much worse things could get. I wish I hadn't been so judgmental towards people who cried at work or seemed down all the time. In hindsight, they probably had good reason.

Today, I spent 9 hours on a conference call. I should have been on location but thanks to an early appointment tomorrow, I had to cancel instead and dial in. Now you would think it must have sucked to be on the phone for that long but it didn't. It was relaxing. I barely thought about IF because I couldn't and I was forced to think and speak about other matters. I was almost sad to get off the phone. I wish I could focus on other things but I can't seem to. I feel so tired and drained from all of this but I don't know how to make it stop.

I feel so alone and isolated. I really really miss having my friends and family close. I know my mom would be more understanding if she saw the day to day hell IF causes. I wish I didn't have to rely on DH so much. I wish I could spend a night with my sister watching chick flicks and eating junk funk. I wish I could call one of my single girlfriends and be their wing woman for the night...get dressed up and pretend I'm 20 something. I have friends here but it's not the same. I have generally distanced myself from them the last several months anyway. It's too much work to develop new relationships when something as consuming as IF is around. It all just sucks.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

As if I needed this!

Ok, so I got my medications a few days ago and given the number of guests we've had and what a crazy few weeks it's been, I didn't have an enormous amount of time to spend on figuring everything out.

Monday morning, I went in for a u/s and bloodwork and asked to speak to a nurse because I had no idea when I will start the meds, which meds nor what dosage. As soon as I started talking to the nurse, I got a bad feeling thinking- this one really doesn't know what she is talking about but I blew it off as nerves. BIG mistake. She goes through and tells me all about how to mix and administer the lupron and that I should start on 9/12 and I made an appointment for a follow up u/s on 9/14. No question regarding if and when my period started- not sure if this is an issue but I thought it was strange. She called me later that day and told me to start the meds today (9/10) instead but I still do not go in until 9/14. I found that odd too given that I started the meds 2 days earlier but I still don't go in until the same day as before (9/14). Ok, whatever.

I have been so swamped and feeling ill the last few days so I didn't have a chance to look at the lupron until this morning. This morning I go to my handy fridge and there is NO LUPRON. There IS something called luprelide or something like that but it doesn't look anything like the vials the nurse showed me and there is only 1 vial, not 3. Of course, I freaked. I checked my packing slip and sure enough it's this luprilide on the slip and not lupron. I called the pharmacist who was actually really helpful but thought my dosage was wrong and I should call the nurse. Long story short and after about 2 hours of being on hold and trying to get through, it turns out I'm on microdose lupron and the instructions are completely different from what the nurse told me. Gee, this makes me feel really secure about how things are run there.

In summary, here is a list of all of the wrong info:

1. wrong drug so wrong instructions
2. she told me 8 units but it's 10 units
3. she told me to stay within 1 inch of my stomach but I'm suppose to inject my thigh


As if this crap isn't fucking hard enough. They can't even look at a packing slip, compare it with my RE's instructions and then give me the CORRECT instructions. That makes me really uncomfortable since I have no idea what else they will fuck up.

So, I get into work very late and I already feel like I've had a full day and the day just began.

Ok, taking a deep breath now.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Is the weekend over yet?

Looks like I'll be starting the IVF process tomorrow, assuming my 3 cysts are gone. I have a baseline at 8:00AM!!

The last week has been crazy with all of the house guests. I have 2 sets of cousins visiting this weekend. DH's friends left the same day new guests came. UGH...I'm pretty guested out. I even bought a small refridgerator for our bedroom to keep all the IVF meds in because my IF is not their business.

Well, I have to go entertain. Just wanted to add a quick update. Man I'm exhausted!

Monday, September 1, 2008


Just when I was feeling a little better about how I look I noticed several new zits on my face thanks to one of many bad side effects with BCP's. My skin is one of my best features, I have plenty of bad ones, but not my skin-I have probably had about 10 zits, if that, my entire life. Today, I noticed at least 5. They are small, red marks but enough to notice. Argh.........why can't there be any GOOD side effects with any of these meds? Weight loss would be nice for one. A BETTER mood would be fantastic. Oh what I would do to be in a better mood.

I just found out I have another friend in town tonight. It's such a guest busy few weeks for us. All year we didn't have very many and then BAM all at once! I usually look forward to seeing this friend and I have not seen her in almost a year but I'm not in a very social mood. Maybe I'll be able to drink my way into fun. I may tell her about our IF issues. I may not. Depends on how the night goes.