YUP! It's definitely the drugs.

I was on some sort of IF drugs for so long I lost touch with myself and found myself unable to decipher between my real self and my drugged self. During my break, I slowly started to revert to my less moody, less teary and definitely less bitchy self. I will never be the same of course. Never. But I do know that the bitchy, angry, teary woman of today isn't really me. It's the drugs. I am on my 10th day of stims and I'm really starting to feel it. For absolutely no reason, I want to pound the shit out of something. My poor DH!

Besides that, we are really enjoying Colorado and made this into a mini vacation. We spent Friday in Cheyenne, Wyoming, Saturday in Canon City, and yesterday in Vail. Yes, DH is an adventurer and rarely leaves a moment free! We both worked from the hotel today so it was a pretty uneventful day.

I did get a message at CCRM and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's $50 for an hour and she is not allowed to accept tips. I've been to some top end spas and this is one of the best massages I've ever had.

According to their original schedule, I was suppose to trigger tonight but I'm being moved by at least one day. I'm not really paying much attention to this stuff because I don't want to feel stressed about numbers but I can't help getting some minimal info.

As of this morning, I had 9 or 10 measurable follies. Some were pretty small. My E2 came back at 1924.

Overall, I'm really happy with my decision to come here. They seem very meticulous and detail oriented. I have the peace of mind knowing that I'm with the best.

So I Took a Break...

Just a very quick update.



Thanks to all of you who have been concerned. I am sorry I was such a bad blogger for so long. I thought about writing an update oh so many times but for lack of a better excuse, I didn't.


After my last failure, I was devastated. I realized that I had been on drugs nonstop for well over a year and really needed to give my body and mind a break. Given my obsessive personality, I quickly found new obsessions to focus on. To name a few, since mid April, I studied for and passed the Patent Bar, I implemented a huge event relating to an important case that I am not representing but is very important to me, and I am deeply involved in something else that I don't want to reveal on my blog as I may lose my anonymity. Those of you whom I know personally, know exactly what I am talking about.

So, what did focusing on other things do for me? A LOT! I eventually found my confidence again! The morning I was leaving for the patent bar exam, my conversation with my hubby went something like this:

me: "I am going to fail. I am not prepared, I didn't study enough." (It is true that I wasn't fully prepared as I studied about 1/4 of the recommended amount).

Hubby: "Of course you will pass! You always pass. Stop it!."

Me: "That was before I became a loser."

And I left the house.

On my way to my exam I realized that I had let IF take over not just my body but my identity as well. I was so entrenched in my fertility failure that I saw myself as a failure in everything. I decided right there, on my way to my exam, that I may have IF, but I can't let it define everything I am anymore. I went into the exam with an amazing level of confidence and I passed the exam.

After that, things just started getting better and I started to see the old me again. Of course, there were many moments of IF related sadness but I tried to minimize them and move on as quickly as possible.

Sometime during this process, I got the call from CCRM. I immediately started to panic because I was having too much fun to go back to that hell and wasn't ready for the possible final blow. I also didn't want it to ruin my entire summer. I decided to delay by one month and think. A few days later, after a an amazing yoga session, it all came to me! A thought peeped in and said to go through with retrieval and freeze all of our embies until at least the fall. I immediately knew that was the right decision and it is what I decided to do.

I am leaving for Denver tomorrow evening and retrieval is tentatively set for July 21. I am not stressed out and have barely paid attention to this cycle outside of remembering to do my shots. I hope this continues but I know there will be some moments of stress that will come in the next week or so. I think I'm prepared.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't such a quick update.

Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing phase, one of my bad days.

I had a bad day today.
I had a really bad day.
So much went wrong today.
Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going.
Today, I took a long look at my left over needles and bottles of sodium chloride and I wondered what over the counter drug I could break up and inject myself with for a painless death. Pretty pathetic, I know.

Don't worry, I won't go through with it or anything. I could never do that to my family. Sometimes though, I wish I could. Tomorrow is another day. For sure it will be better than today.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

I stared at a blank blog page for what seemed like hours trying to think of what to write about. Do I write about the moments of happiness I've had over the last week or so because I haven't been obsessed with being infertile? Do I write about how wonderful it feels to get back into the gym on a regular basis? Do I write about the satisfaction I feel from drinking wine and coffee? OR..........Do I write about the deep sadness I feel in my heart every so often when the reality that CCRM may not work sets in? The reality that I will never have a biological child with DH. Ouch. It hurts just to write it. Do I write how I want to delay CCRM so I can hold on to hope? Anyway, I guess I don't have much of an update except that I'm still here and still struggling. While some moments are the best I've had in over a year, others are some of the worst.

If you tempt me my tank is on empty

I'm on edge and I'm fragile. It doesn't take much to set me off. A mere comment is usually enough.

I am worn out. I feel like every day I wake up thinking 'it's a new day' and try so hard to stay positive but something always brings me down and by the end of the day, I can't wait to go to bed and end the day.

It's amazing how much more I appreciate the good moments. They are so few. When I laugh, I notice and enjoy the feeling. When a period of time goes by that I don't think about IF, even if it's just for a few minutes, it feels like a victory.

CCRM: New Hope?

We bit the bullet and went to Denver yesterday for a one day workup at the number one facility in the country, CCRM. Wow what a place! It's beautiful in there and everything is modern. We started the day with a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft. Here is a summary his main points:

1. He told us our best chance is using donor eggs. He was pretty convinced that my egg quality is poor. I told him we are not ready to make the move to donor eggs and he was ok with that.
2. He also brought up my genetic issue: inversion on chromosome 9. I have had 3 geneticists (2 at the same clinic) tell me it has nothing to do with my infertility. The geneticist there said there are 2 studies that show it may be related so she wants me to call her. I will do that today. However, I think I'm going to stick with the other 3's opinion.
3. He told me I have to have an HSG. I have never had one. My clinic only does a saline ultrasound. According to Dr. S, this is not sufficient. He said "IVF will not work if your tubes are blocked and a saline ultrasound can't tell if your tubes are blocked." This really pisses me off because I've asked about it over and over again.


Next, I had a doppler 3D ultrasound (or something like that) and that was very cool! It tests the blood flow to your uterus. There is even a flat screen so the patient can see what is going on. Call me a geek but I thought the technology was awesome. Everything looked good there.

We had a few other meetings, one with the nurse, one with the business office, took some blood, etc. One thing the nurse pointed out is that Dr. Schoolcraft doesn't think ovidrel gives you a 'good ovulation'. I wonder if that's why my last 2 cycles looked so good on paper but didn't work out too well. Another thing I had asked about and was told that HCG and ovidrel will work exactly the same.

Finally, I had a hysteroscopy administered by Dr. Schoolcraft. He said everything look good. He seemed a lot more optimistic at this point. He said my egg numbers look really good and so does everything else.



That was pretty much it. I feel good that we went to the best place there is. I have complete faith in Dr. Schoolcraft. While I think the nurses make all the decisions at my local clinic and the RE is barely involved, I think Dr. Schoolcraft looks at EVERYTHING and makes all of the decisions himself. I think it's worth it to do a cycle there and know that I'm with the best.

The fire still burns, raging through the pain

It hasn't gotten any easier. Even breathing is extra hard. I have to make a conscious effort for each breath. I feel trapped in a body I want no part of. I want to leave but there is no exit. I hate feeling trapped. I hate closed spaces.