Sunday, February 14, 2010

Hello? Is there anybody in there?

Not sure if any of my old buddies are around anymore. From what I can tell, almost all have conceived and I am really happy for all of them (you). Whenever an infertile conceives, it gives the rest of us some hope. Anyway, it's been quite a while since my last post. 7 months actually. WOW. Time flies....Here's my not so brief update.

Our cycle in July was ok. We ended up with 4 embies that are still frozen. After that cycle, I needed another break from everything. Over 2 years of treatments just got the best of me and I was tired of it all. I also got really busy with other things and decided I cannot allow the weight gain, the schedules, the emotional pain, the hormones, and the absolute control of my life to continue while I just "waited" for something to happen that didn't look like it would. DH and I went on a bunch of trips and went back to our old lives; free from needles and schedules, back to the gym, alcohol and coffee, etc. I kept my pain inside, hidden from almost everyone.

I knew I wanted to do another frozen cycle at CCRM (so that I could have more embies to work with) but I didn't know when. I got laid off in December and decided, it's the right time to have another cycle. I also realized, that no matter what, even if I win the lottery, this will be my last IVF cycle with my eggs. I've had enough. I used to think that I was crazy enough to cycle over and over and over again until I find that golden egg but I'm ready to throw in the towel. There is almost so much a person can take and as many wise woman told me, I will know when I've reached my limit. They were right.

On Wednesday we are heading to Denver. My mom is coming too. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her. Retrieval is set for around 2/24. I'm looking forward to closing this painful and long chapter in our lives. No matter what the outcome, I will never understand why it's been so hard for us. I'll never be who I would have been had we never been through this. But I do think the worst is over. I do think that I've come to accept that this may not happen for us and there's nothing we can do about it. These are the cards we were dealt and we can either bury ourselves in a hole or we can keep living. I also know that we are much closer now. We are both more compassionate towards other people. We are less judgmental. And of course, we are much much stronger.


Anonymous said...

You know I am still here - and I will follow you wherever your journey leads you.


Caroline said...

Hi there,
I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.
We're still here for you.

Amanda said...

I'm so glad to hear from you again! I hope you will give us an update as the cycle progresses. We care about you and want this to work for you.

Miss Tori said...

Of course I'm here, where else would I go?

I'm glad you have a plan and will follow it no matter how it ends. Let us know how it goes.

Nikki said...

You sound calmer, peaceful, and like you're in a good place mentally, no matter how this cycle turns out. Good luck with everything. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Anonymous said...

good luck on this trip...I am thinking good thoughts and sending your way. Looking forward to the updates. xoxo-jackie