Thursday, April 23, 2009

Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing phase, one of my bad days.

I had a bad day today.
I had a really bad day.
So much went wrong today.
Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going.
Today, I took a long look at my left over needles and bottles of sodium chloride and I wondered what over the counter drug I could break up and inject myself with for a painless death. Pretty pathetic, I know.

Don't worry, I won't go through with it or anything. I could never do that to my family. Sometimes though, I wish I could. Tomorrow is another day. For sure it will be better than today.

19 comments:

Nichole said...

I am so sorry you had a bad day hon. All of this just totally sucks!

Big hugs to you my friend!

Mary said...

Hey, Darya. Tomorrow IS another day. Another day always brings new surprises. Don't forget that, okay?

What's up with your new clinic?

Mary said...

I was just reading new blogs and I found a woman that is being treated at CCRM. Thought you might be interested in talking with her.

http://in2mesee.blogspot.com/

Amanda said...

Oh Darya, my heart breaks for you.

The pain is real and so very hard to deal with at times. Take care of yourself and your heart. If it seems like too much please consider some kind of counseling. Healing some of the emotional pain of all this is important. (((Hugs)))

Leah said...

I've been a lurker for a while, but had to de-lurk to say that I'm sending you lots of warm virtual hugs. The pain and angst of IF is enough to drive the strongest person around the bend, I offer my Zoloft prescription as evidence. Please take care of yourself, ask for support when you need it, and know that we are all here thinking of you.

Jill said...

Oh hon, I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain a little bit.

((hugs))

Here from LFCA

Miss Tori said...

Ah, hon, I know where you are. Let yourself feel the pain, but not get caught up in the downward swirl, or you won't be able to see the reasons why we don't do the thing we sometimes talk about.

I'm sorry that all this is happening. It isn't fair. Life is a bitch, and dammit, those little floozies we see walking around with the bump sticking out should be shoved under a bus (just kidding of course, but hopefully that little mental image brought a tiny smile to your face).

Want to join me tonight in a vitual martini marathon? I'll buy the first two rounds.

"Blossom & Her Fruit" said...

You sure are have a dark day. Well yesterday you did anyway. I hope today is brighter. We have dark days. And it sucks to hurt and feel that darkness cast over us. I hope you are feeling better a little today.

Maybe you need to go out for meet up again soon. Mention pretzels and you know I'll be there.

Thinking of you


(was MamaSoon)

meinsideout said...

((HUGS)) a million times

Lori said...

I have been there, too. And blogged about it.

I am so sorry you're in the Dark Times. It's hard, so hard.

Abiding with you.

Erin said...

Hey Darya,

I'm sorry to hear of the bad day. It's always something, isn't it? Sometimes the pain is just too intense, and "ending it all" seems so appealing... not really going to do it, but I want you to know those feelings are normal. Somehow we just keep pluggin' along. We're beside you... keep blogging about it all, no matter how ugly it gets. We understand.

S said...

I'm sorry you had such a shitty day. Hopefully, its a lot better today. I had a shitty day and similar post yesterday, and am trying to get myself out of the funk that is a really turdy "in the abyss" day.

Sending you some hang in there hugs.

S said...

Just wanted to share one of my older 2007 posts with you, not cause its cool or anything, but because I think it too. I'd never do it, but I think it. I even plan it and "they" say that's bad. But I have control, thus far, and hope you do too. well, as much control as we can have in this shitty ttc/ivf ride:

"a word to the wise from pennywise

sometimes when I'm waiting for my train
I imagine jumping in front of the express
suicide, a One Way Ticket to Freedom
my train arrives and the moment passes
I mostly worry about the mess I'll leave behind
and the ignominy of tiny, sordid details"

look after yourself. because no one else will.

take care

jadedspirit said...

...and tomorrow will be better...i have had those days...where i have wished for death...but it doesn't mean you or i would go through with it...it just means that some day (weeks? years?) are tougher than others.
hugs.

Caroline said...

Hey Sweetie,

I just read this post. I know that you wrote it 5 days ago and you are hopefully feeling better by now. Know that I am always here for you. xx

meinsideout said...

hey - thinking of you

Erica said...

I can't believe I'm just reading this post, Darya!!! I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner to send you a giant HUG and let you know that you're always in my thoughts.

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

Hey dear! Let's go have a drink (and maybe i can have pretzels again). Are you up for it?

Erica said...

Just checking in to see how you're doing. You've been away for awhile and I'm a little worried...