Late night pity party....AGAIN

Every week I think 'this has got to be the worst of it' until the next week sticks out its ugly head and shows me there is more to come. I don't know when the last time I went an entire without balling my eyes off at least once. I use to go months without crying. Months. I wish I appreciated that time. I wish I knew then how much worse things could get. I wish I hadn't been so judgmental towards people who cried at work or seemed down all the time. In hindsight, they probably had good reason.

Today, I spent 9 hours on a conference call. I should have been on location but thanks to an early appointment tomorrow, I had to cancel instead and dial in. Now you would think it must have sucked to be on the phone for that long but it didn't. It was relaxing. I barely thought about IF because I couldn't and I was forced to think and speak about other matters. I was almost sad to get off the phone. I wish I could focus on other things but I can't seem to. I feel so tired and drained from all of this but I don't know how to make it stop.

I feel so alone and isolated. I really really miss having my friends and family close. I know my mom would be more understanding if she saw the day to day hell IF causes. I wish I didn't have to rely on DH so much. I wish I could spend a night with my sister watching chick flicks and eating junk funk. I wish I could call one of my single girlfriends and be their wing woman for the night...get dressed up and pretend I'm 20 something. I have friends here but it's not the same. I have generally distanced myself from them the last several months anyway. It's too much work to develop new relationships when something as consuming as IF is around. It all just sucks.