My First Post...

Well this is my first post in my first blog. I've been wanting to blog for years but I never thought infertility would be my topic but here we are...

I decided to start a blog mostly to have a place to vent and hold my pity parties so I apologize in advance. I'm usually a very cheerful person and known by those close to me as the person they can always count on for a smile or a comforting ear. I haven't been doing much of either lately...

I live far from family & close friends so my poor DH has had to put up with the majority of my breakdowns. I don't want to burden family & friends with this and usually when I do talk to them- I end up getting hurt by their well meaning comments anyway. One reason I decided to blog about this is to take away some of the pressure I put on DH through our journey.

Today is a very difficult day for me. I got the official BFN yesterday but I knew it was coming. It still hurt bad. We have decided to move forward with IVF. I'm not 100% comfortable with it and wish we could do one more IUI w/inj but both my RE and DH think it's best to go with IVF. I am scared of the meds- I am scared of the rollercoaster and most of all- I am scared of failure.

My DH is my soulmate. We fell in love from the moment our eyes met and could not stop the amazing attraction we had towards each other from day 1. However, I am a little upset with DH these days. Sometimes he really doesn't know how to act or what to say and when I am being completely unreasonable or I am moody (due to the drugs and the emotional pain of IF)- he says some really hurtful things. Words like 'if you could just relax it will happen' throw me into a rage. I hope he is learning. I know this isn't easy for him either. Anyway, he has some friends coming this week and then they are going away for all of next week including the 2 weekends. Once he comes back, I will have visitors the next weekend. We also had visitors last weekend. So, basically, this weekend will be our only weekend together out of 5. What did DH do today? He decided to spend the day riding his motorcycle with a friend. I asked him to do it tomorrow because I have work and errands to run tomorrow but his friend couldn't so DH didn't budge. I am very hurt. I know he loves to ride and I don't want to take that from him but it would have been nice if we could have done something together today...specially after the week I've had and the upcoming weekends I just mentioned. I just wish he would have preferred to spend the day with me instead.

I know I have not been easy to live with and I hate the person I'm becoming. I want the old me back so bad. Last night, DH and I went out for a nice dinner and drinks. I pretended I was younger and back in law school and just enjoying a typical night with my boyfriend (who is now DH). The vodka helped take IF off my mind for a bit. It was wonderful. I loved every minute of my pretend world.