Keeping my head above water

Well it's been a pretty bad week but I think things will get much better next week. Maybe this week is a transition week.

I finally broke down and told someone at work what is going on. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wish I had done it sooner but it felt like I was admitting defeat and I didn't want to do that. In any case, it worked out well.

I stopped wearing eye makeup and although I don't like how I look without it- I am enjoying the freedom of crying without my makeup running. I'm going to get some waterproof mascara but I may try getting extreme lashes. I've secretly been wanting extreme lashes for a while but the cost and maintenance involved may be too much for me right now. Still, I already feel so bad- maybe I should do something that helps me look a little better.

DH has disappointed me even more and beyond what I thought possible. I asked him not to drink around me this week and to wait until Saturday- he will have 9 days with his friends to drink. Well, he promised he wouldn't but drank a bit on Tuesday night and then got completely sloshed last night. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't matter. It hurts a lot. I've shown him lots of research that his drinking will 1) affect our chances of conceiving and 2) will increase my chance of miscarriage but he obviously doesn't care. And then to do it in my face knowing how much it stresses me out- well, he obviously doesn't respect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if we will get through all of this together. I love him more than anything but love is not enough for a healthy marriage. Right now, I am really bitter and hurt. I really feel like he put a knife right through my heart and walked away without a second thought.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. One of his friends came yesterday and 2 others are coming today. They will all leave saturday morning. I am going to spend saturday figuring out how to move on and better manage the stress and emotional aspects of IF. I have to do something and I hope that by monday-I'll have it all figured out.