I've been so wrapped up in my own life, hiding from everyone. Even people I truly love. An aunt I adored passed away this week. She lives in another country. I didn't see her very often, but we were close. I'd adored her since I was very little She even came and stayed with me for a few days this summer. She seemed perfectly healthy. A month or so ago, she started having health problems. I wanted to call her. I really did. But I couldn't. Or maybe I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I was so selfishly wrapped up in my own life I didn't want more sadness in it. I don't know. I've been avoiding everyone lately. It takes such an effort. Well, I really fucked up this time because now she is gone. I have to fucking live with the fact that I kept putting off calling her until it was too late. FUCK. FUCK FUCK. I have to blame IF for this too. The old me would never have done this. NEVER. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. I can't continue avoiding people I love. You just never know.
I am so fucking tired of crying.
The genesis of similarity.: Set in Egypt Aida
3 years ago
6 comments:
Darya,
I have been thinking of you a lot, and wondering how you are feeling right now.
I am so sorry to hear of the pain you are in, and the special person in your life who passed away.
IF and IVF are some of the most difficult things in the world to endure. Please know that you are a good person, you are just in a hard place.
Sometimes in life we need to forgive ourselves and know that we have been doing the best we can just to survive IF. I'm sure that your aunt knew you loved her.
I'm here anytime you need someone to chat to.
Darya - I'm very sorry about your aunt. Like Caroline said, you're just in a hard place.
What you're dealing with is huge. You didn't not call your aunt intentionally. You were dealing with the grief of your own cycle. Please try not to keep any guilt in your heart. Your aunt is in a place where she knows what's on your mind. She knows you love her and miss her.
Take care of yourself. Hugs to you
I'm really sorry to hear about your aunt. I agree with the previous posters and I know it will be especially difficult for you to go through this grief and grief of your IVF. Hugs and stay strong.
Darya - You are NOT a bad person! I have missed out on so many things due to IF, but it doesn't make us bad people. It makes us stronger. We have to protect ourselves and our sanity. Your aunt knows how much you love her, and she wouldn't want you beating yourself up over this.
Hang in there sweetie! I avoided phone calls and texts for the first couple of hours after my sister had her baby this week cause I just couldn't deal.
I am sending you big hugs!!!
I am so sorry you weren't able to contact your Auntie and that she is now gone from this earth. We all know how hard it is to be open these days. You did what you could and you didn't know what else was coming down the road. And we still don't know. I hope you can be kind to yourself in this because we just can't change what happened and what you are experiencing with grief and sadness is real. very very real. hugs to you.
I've wondered when you would post again. I have been hoping that you were taking it easy and feeling better. I'm so, so, sorry about your Aunt. Don't beat yourself up, Darya. Think of all the wonderful times that you had with her and how much I'm sure she appreciated you. Hang in there, hon.
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