Further down the spiral

It's been a while, I know. I started many posts, but never finished them nor posted them. I've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride this cycle but I've tried my best to keep my spirits up. I've tried to move on from the negatives and find peace, but it hasn't helped. More bad news keeps coming.



My meeting with the genetic counselor did end up well. He said I have nothing to worry about. Good news I am quite thankful for. Still, it was an awful week or so leading up to that.



From day one I was uneasy about this protocol- mostly because I was nervous I was going to be on the pill for too long. I asked a lot of questions. The dates and the drugs just didn't seem right to me. Again, I hate my gut. It always ends up being right, but I never have a rational basis for thinking what I think during the process.



So the friday before thanksgiving (November 19) I went in for my baseline. An arbitrary date set based on me stopping BCP's on November 16. I didn't even get a real period- just very light spotting. I had 7 AFC's on each ovary and that made me really really happy! The nurse called me and told me everything looked perfect! I was sure things were going to work out this time. Pretty positive actually.



I did my drugs over thanksgiving while I was on holiday with family and traveling all over the place. I was ok with it after my initial temper tantrum. Today, after 5 days of stims, I went in for my first monitoring U/S and bloodwork. The results were terrible. I have 5 follicles ready to go and no chance for any more to catch up. I was devastated. After some consideration, I decided to cancel the IVF and go with an IUI. I know my chances are 1/10000000000 but I also know that my chances are pretty much the same if we go with an IVF so why use up one of my insurance covered procedures?



I went with my gut on this and I'm ok with it. It feels like a huge loss though. More wasted time. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Trying to be strong

First of all, I am so happy with the election result. We have proven to the world what kind of country we are and they can all shut up now because this would not happen anywhere else! We really do practice what we preach. We are a beautfiul democracy, a government for the people, by the people and we cherish our freedom.

Now- on the not so cheery IF note. It turns out I will have do some injections during thanksgiving. I was pretty frustrated that I will have to travel with meds and deal with that crap while I'm trying to enjoy my in laws and my own family but I've come to peace with it. My friend Joy suggested hiding everything in a box and that is what I intend to do! It was either this or wait until January to cycle and I just don't want to wait that long. I am impatient!!! Also, my work schedule will be a little better around the holidays.

I also received some bad news yesterday. One of genetic (chromosome) tests came back abnormal. I guess I have an inversion on chromosome 9. I spoke with my RE today and she made it sounds like it's not a big deal. I am cautiously optimistic. I have an appointment with a genetic counselor next week and I'm looking forward to that because I am hoping to get some answers on this and some other genetic concerns I have...the same ones that hurt my mom when I asked her about it.

DH and I are struggling a bit. He doesn't recognize the woman I'm becoming. I don't recognize her either. We do agree on one thing: neither of us like her.

Other than that, I am trying to stay positive and looking forward to the next round. I am also back into the swing with exercise but I am still eating way more than I should! Tomorrow is yoga for fertility. I love that class so much! I wish everyone had a place like that to go to.

Cutting the cord

So I've been pretty stressed since thursday. Thing is, I'm more stressed about the situation with my mom than anything else. I did ask her some questions related to my genetics and it really really upset her. I am sorry to have upset her but I don't regret asking. Anyway, this all happened after she upset ME about just 'relaxing'. She said some really really hurtful things after that that I haven't been able to take out of my mind. I am waiting for her to get here now after not seeing her for months and I will do my best to show my fake face and make her comfortable. I was really looking forward to seeing her but this just really ruined it.

I wish we had never had the conversation. I wish I hadn't tried to lean on her about IF. But...whenever something painful happens, a lesson is learned. I've learned a lesson. I've decided that I will shut her out of my IF journey from now on. I am considering just lying to her and telling her we've decided to just 'relax' and stopped treatment. It may be hard to do that though because I probably won't be able to make it home for Christmas due to treatment and I don't know what I would use as an excuse.

Whatever I do, I am so fortunate to have a network of other IF'ers who understand what it's like and whom I can turn to. Even though her intentions are good, it has caused me severe amounts of pain over and over again and it has made my IF experience worse. And it's not just her. It's all of the people who say things like 'just adopt and you'll get pregnant' or 'just relax', etc. I don't really have the energy to constantly educate them so I'm not going to spend too much time doing it.

For now, I will keep my chin up and make my mom and sis feel good while they are here. I don't want my mom upset about what I said but I don't want to apologize for having the concerns I have either. They are legitimate. She is being really dramatic about it too. I mean, she went on and on about how she wished she were dead because I hurt her so bad with my question. I guess that's where I get it from.

When it rains it pours.

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who reached out to me when I got my negative. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate it.


I've been trying to keep my mind focused on different things and away from IF and I think I've done a good job. Yes, I've cried a lot still but I try to think about positive things and do other things to keep my busy.

Today though, I just lost it. I don't have time to get into the entire thing in too much detail but it started with being put on injections during thanksgiving week while I will be traveling to multiple places to visit family. Doing several injections a day, refrigerating my meds for my entire extended family to see, etc. just really isn't an option. I had reiterated this numerous times. I don't know what will happen now. I may have to skip another month which pi*** me off because they had me start BCP's and I hate BCP's.

Then I got into a fight with my mom who for the 1000000000000000 time, told me it's because I stress too much and it would happen otherwise. I'm so fucking tired of hearing that- specially from her. I've decided to shut her out of this part of my life now. She will not know anything anymore. She is coming for a visit in Saturday and I was really looking forward to it and I still am but....maybe it will be good to pretend IF isn't a part of my life right now. I asked her not to talk to me about it anymore. I hope she doesn't bring it up. She has her opinion that it's stress related and my RE believes it has to do with my eggs, my FSH, DH's morphology, etc. Gee, I don't know who to believe.

Oh, I also found out a relative who is 1 year older than me who just got married in June was pregnant (she lost the baby). I'm sorry she lost the baby but I'm jealous it was so easy for her to get pregnant. My mom said it's because she doesn't stress out. Oh, mom mom also says it's because I was on BCP's for several years in my 20's. Again, my RE disagrees but I'm sure my mom has much more knowledge.

I'm off to Yoga for fertility. I imagine I will feel much better after that.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you again....

I took an HPT this morning and it was BFN. I get the official results later today but we know with a reasonable degree of certainty what that will bring. I hate my gut. My gut was babbling away...telling me it didn't work and I kept asking it to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yet, during my most peaceful moments- like while I was meditating, a voice kept telling me it worked. I must be losing my mind. IF seems to do that.

We had a perfect embryo that died inside of me. It was the only one that fertilized. I guess I was hoping this was our miracle. I tried everything. I tried to stay positive. I did acupuncture. I took yoga for fertility. I meditated. I didn't exercise. What now?

I feel so lost. I feel so beaten. I feel so empty. I feel like I want this to end but I can't stop yet. I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come back out.

Beta Tomorrow....SCARED

Well, I am petrified. I have always been a POAS addict but not this time. DH made me promise when I came out of ER not to POAS but now he actually wants me to test because he is stressed! I told him the earliest I will take one is in the morning and I don't even think I will do that.

I am so scared to get a BFN that I want to delay that possibility for as long as possible. Things have been good the last few weeks with the exception of our low fertilization. I've really enjoyed the 'high' and I don't want to go back down again. And...our little embie is the closest DH and I have ever gotten to having a baby. I am just so scared.

I am feeling PMS symptoms which are freaking me out. I know, they could go either way but I've never been pregnant so I don't know what that feels like.

Please pray for us.

Feelin' Groovy....

Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy.....

Wow. I've had 2 days now, yes 2 DAYS without any tears AND feeling great! I was confused yesterday...wondering who this new person was, walking around smiling, being social, making jokes and then I remembered...it's the old and pre IF...ME! How quickly I forgot. Well, I have a new found appreciation for my old self now because the IF me really sucks ass.

I know the feeling may not last too long and dark days may be ahead still, but wow does it feel good right now!!

I've been meditating almost every day. I haven't done yoga since ER...nurse told me exercise to but I really don't see the harm. I'm missing it BAD! Oh well, of course it's worth it.

I've been feeling a little crampy/bloated since ET (maybe even earlier) but that's about it.

For now, I'm enjoying the moment and this wonderful feeling I've missed so much.

I've been tagged!!

I have been Tagged by Nikki so here are 7 random/weird facts about me!!

1. I LOVE to dance! I've taken years and years of lessons and still spend a majority of my exercise time taking dancercise type of classes.
2. My favorite subject has always been MATH...calculus is my absolute favorite.
3. I have my gold award in girl scouting and even represented my council at the national girl scout convention when I was in high school.
4. I love talking about taboo subjects such as politics, religion and abortion.
5 I've had a shoe obsession since I was 3 years old. My mom even got me a necklace with a gold shoe pendant at that age. I have at least 15 pairs of shoes in my office alone and I often change them 2-3 times a day.
6. I'm really excited the 80's are back in style and I've been stocking up on 80's wear, especially if it's purple.
7. I have a really loud laugh. Sometimes, when people at work are looking for me, they listen for my laugh and then come running over.

Now I'm going to try and find some others to tag so I will edit this post once I do!

Our little embie!

We had ET today and our little embie not only survived but was also an 8 cell and best possible grade!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and prayers!! Someone on webmd mentioned that our embie is a fighter like Rocky and I LOVE it because Rocky is one of my favorite movies of all time and I always listen to the theme song and eye of the tiger during hard times or when I need to be strong. I told DH if we have a boy we can name him Rocky but DH wasn't very amused. Oh what does he know anyway!!!

So now, I'm still a little groggy from the Valium and I am resting on the couch. I will probably want to kill myself by sometime tomorrow. :-))

Only one fertilized :-((

I am sad to report that only one fertilized. ONE. They ICSI'd 7 but only one? How is that possible? Of course, as typical clinic fashion, they are not telling me anything yet- just 'don't worry, you have one and that's all it takes.' YES, it only takes one. Of course we all know that. But really, who is to say that this one will even make it to transfer? I was really hoping for a 5 day transfer but that is out. I was really hoping to transfer 3 but that is out as well.

I was trying so hard to stay positive and now this. It's like I'm being tested over and over again. How much can you handle Darya, SURPRISE- here is another knife deep into your IF wound.

How am I suppose to go back to work tomorrow? How am I suppose to go on day by day resuming normal life activities with all of this going on? I have a lunch meeting with a partner tomorrow. How exactly am I suppose to act? Like everything is great? How can I pretent I actually care about anything other than my one little embie surviving?

ER Tomorrow!

ER will be tomorrow morning at 10:00AM! I'm pretty excited!! I am a little nervous because I've never gone through this before and I'm a control freak but I'm sure everything will go smoothly. It will be nice not to have to do any more injections, that's for sure.

Overall, I've had a pretty good week. I upped my yoga practice which I think really helps. I always do better when yoga is in my life! Last weekend, I had a turning point. Things were really really bad and I just didn't see them getting any better. I realized that I am stuck with IF and I have 2 choices- I can either let IF destroy me or I can let it help me become a stronger woman and a better person. I'm not saying IF will never hurt or I'll never have a pity party again. I'm just going to try to manage it a little better. It was really really bad. I'm sure the fact that I am finally at ER is helping. I think we all do better when we are actually stimming or working on a cycle.

Anyway, I will write more about my transformation later. It's going to be a very very slow process but it's a step in the right direction.

Stims Update

Tonight is day 7 of my stims. I am taking Microdose lupron, Gonal F, and Menopur.

Here is the summary:

Sunday- Sept 18
-one follie at 8 and one at 10
-8 other possibilities
I freaked out for the next 2 days that I have a maximum possibility of only 10 and already have 2 that are bigger than they should be.

Tuesday- Sept 20
-2 follies- 9 and 11
- 6 other possibilities
I freaked out for the next 2 days that I will be canceled and that I am a poor responder and I will never be successful.

Thursday- Sept 22
-6 follies
-5 other possibilities
I was finally a bit relieved. The results aren't ideal but better news than I had received. Everything is relative.

Next appointment: TOMORROW MORNING!

I am feeling pretty crappy from the stims but I'm ok with it because I see it as a good sign. 2 friends told me this week that I look like I've lost weight which is strange because I am definitely bloated. Who cares though. A compliment is a compliment!! :-))

Belly ring has to go

Well, I've been avoiding this for several weeks now but I promissed my acupuncturist that I will remove my belly ring for my next appointment. He seems to think it will make a difference. I think he's just trying to take away my last piece of youth. Ok, I'm sure he's not evil but I LOVE having a belly ring and as stupid and trivial as it may seem- it does give me a connection to the time I got it, years ago, when things were better and I had all the answers.

Ok IF, you can have my belly ring too. Just let me enjoy it for one last night. Is there anything else I can get you? Will you at least take some excess weight? No? That's the one thing you like giving me instead of taking. I hate you IF. I hate you.

Late night pity party....AGAIN

Every week I think 'this has got to be the worst of it' until the next week sticks out its ugly head and shows me there is more to come. I don't know when the last time I went an entire without balling my eyes off at least once. I use to go months without crying. Months. I wish I appreciated that time. I wish I knew then how much worse things could get. I wish I hadn't been so judgmental towards people who cried at work or seemed down all the time. In hindsight, they probably had good reason.

Today, I spent 9 hours on a conference call. I should have been on location but thanks to an early appointment tomorrow, I had to cancel instead and dial in. Now you would think it must have sucked to be on the phone for that long but it didn't. It was relaxing. I barely thought about IF because I couldn't and I was forced to think and speak about other matters. I was almost sad to get off the phone. I wish I could focus on other things but I can't seem to. I feel so tired and drained from all of this but I don't know how to make it stop.

I feel so alone and isolated. I really really miss having my friends and family close. I know my mom would be more understanding if she saw the day to day hell IF causes. I wish I didn't have to rely on DH so much. I wish I could spend a night with my sister watching chick flicks and eating junk funk. I wish I could call one of my single girlfriends and be their wing woman for the night...get dressed up and pretend I'm 20 something. I have friends here but it's not the same. I have generally distanced myself from them the last several months anyway. It's too much work to develop new relationships when something as consuming as IF is around. It all just sucks.

As if I needed this!

Ok, so I got my medications a few days ago and given the number of guests we've had and what a crazy few weeks it's been, I didn't have an enormous amount of time to spend on figuring everything out.

Monday morning, I went in for a u/s and bloodwork and asked to speak to a nurse because I had no idea when I will start the meds, which meds nor what dosage. As soon as I started talking to the nurse, I got a bad feeling thinking- this one really doesn't know what she is talking about but I blew it off as nerves. BIG mistake. She goes through and tells me all about how to mix and administer the lupron and that I should start on 9/12 and I made an appointment for a follow up u/s on 9/14. No question regarding if and when my period started- not sure if this is an issue but I thought it was strange. She called me later that day and told me to start the meds today (9/10) instead but I still do not go in until 9/14. I found that odd too given that I started the meds 2 days earlier but I still don't go in until the same day as before (9/14). Ok, whatever.

I have been so swamped and feeling ill the last few days so I didn't have a chance to look at the lupron until this morning. This morning I go to my handy fridge and there is NO LUPRON. There IS something called luprelide or something like that but it doesn't look anything like the vials the nurse showed me and there is only 1 vial, not 3. Of course, I freaked. I checked my packing slip and sure enough it's this luprilide on the slip and not lupron. I called the pharmacist who was actually really helpful but thought my dosage was wrong and I should call the nurse. Long story short and after about 2 hours of being on hold and trying to get through, it turns out I'm on microdose lupron and the instructions are completely different from what the nurse told me. Gee, this makes me feel really secure about how things are run there.

In summary, here is a list of all of the wrong info:

1. wrong drug so wrong instructions
2. she told me 8 units but it's 10 units
3. she told me to stay within 1 inch of my stomach but I'm suppose to inject my thigh

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

As if this crap isn't fucking hard enough. They can't even look at a packing slip, compare it with my RE's instructions and then give me the CORRECT instructions. That makes me really uncomfortable since I have no idea what else they will fuck up.

So, I get into work very late and I already feel like I've had a full day and the day just began.

Ok, taking a deep breath now.

Is the weekend over yet?

Looks like I'll be starting the IVF process tomorrow, assuming my 3 cysts are gone. I have a baseline at 8:00AM!!

The last week has been crazy with all of the house guests. I have 2 sets of cousins visiting this weekend. DH's friends left the same day new guests came. UGH...I'm pretty guested out. I even bought a small refridgerator for our bedroom to keep all the IVF meds in because my IF is not their business.

Well, I have to go entertain. Just wanted to add a quick update. Man I'm exhausted!

BCP's SUCK

Just when I was feeling a little better about how I look I noticed several new zits on my face thanks to one of many bad side effects with BCP's. My skin is one of my best features, I have plenty of bad ones, but not my skin-I have probably had about 10 zits, if that, my entire life. Today, I noticed at least 5. They are small, red marks but enough to notice. Argh.........why can't there be any GOOD side effects with any of these meds? Weight loss would be nice for one. A BETTER mood would be fantastic. Oh what I would do to be in a better mood.

I just found out I have another friend in town tonight. It's such a guest busy few weeks for us. All year we didn't have very many and then BAM all at once! I usually look forward to seeing this friend and I have not seen her in almost a year but I'm not in a very social mood. Maybe I'll be able to drink my way into fun. I may tell her about our IF issues. I may not. Depends on how the night goes.

I feel pretty!

So...I got the extreme lashes yesterday and I LOVE them! I didn't even get a full set- just the bare minimum but let me tell you- I no longer need mascara! This is the first time I felt pretty in a really long time. My eyes have been puffy for weeks from crying so much...I've been keeping my head down...not really making an effort to look good. Sometimes getting out of bed takes so much energy there isn't enough left over. Best part of the lashes- no more runny eye make up from crying constantly! I had a pretty good day yesterday actually.

DH is coming home today. It's funny, being alone the first few days were really hard but I'm kind of use to it now. ;-) He emailed me yesterday and asked me to cook a bunch of authentic food for him and his buddies which I am. These guys are here until thursday and then one of my cousins will be here with her husband on thursday (through monday) and another one will show up on saturday. It's going to be very challenging because neither know about IF so I have to pretend I am fine and everything is great. Not sure how I am going to swing that but there is no way they can know.

I got my box of meds on friday..looking at all of the needles and different drugs gave me a headache and I can't help feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this while everyone around me seems to get pregnant after a guy breathes heavy near them. I decided to stay on BCP's for an extra week so that DH's drinking this past week isn't as much of an issue. Call me paranoid but I'm doing everything I can in MY power for this to be a success.

Anyway, I feel like I've hardened over the last few weeks but I also feel stronger. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain.

High and Low

Well, I actually made some progress yesterday and today! YIPPEE!! I got some work done! I didn't get much sleep last night but I woke up this morning feeling good! I've been trying to keep that feeling going but it's not easy. Bad feelings creep in a lot but I've been trying to move those out. I think it's going to take some practice.

I also scheduled a hair appointment and an appointment to try out extreme lashes!! This is just a minor touch up, where they just give you what they call a feather look instead of the whole shebang, but if I like it I will go all out. I figure I cry way too much these days and I like wearing eye makeup so this is a compromise. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! I think if I take better care of how I look I will feel better. Lately- I've been letting everything go because I really just don't care about most things anymore. I am trying to change that.

I'm trying to get more work done today and even volunteered to do some emergency work...imagine that!!

Anyway, overall- I think today is my first day of something positive after almost 3 really bad weeks. It's a start.

The way I feel right now reminds me of one of my favorite Voilent Femmes songs:

"Good feeling,
won't you say stay with me ...just a little longer
It always seems like you're leaving,
when I know the other one... just a little too well"

The song also reminds me of being very young and an old love saying to me 'put on the killing women song'...but that's a story for another day.

No Motivation

I have lost just about all of my motivation. I use to be so driven but IF seems to have taken it from me. I keep trying to fight back but keep ending up in the same spot- getting nothing done with absolutely no desire to do anything.

How do I change this? It seems like IF is the one thing in my life that I can't control but I've let go of all of the things I CAN control like my work, my weight and even the simple things like doing my laundry or paying the bills. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I feel so weak and defeated. I've always thought of myself as really strong but this is making me realize that I'm not. :-(

I don't know how other people do it. How do they put IF on the back burner while getting through the day? And how do people really 'drown themselves in their work'? Please, if you know the recipe- I'd like to see it.

Well, today is a new day and I'm going to try again. I'm going to desperately try to focus on my work and actually get things done today.

Yoga for Fertility

Ok. I'm trying everything here. Today was my first day at yoga for fertility and I really enjoyed it. It was a small group of women- all going through IF struggles. I felt an immediate connection with the women there and it felt peaceful. We spent the first part of the class talking about where we are and some challenges. It wasn't a pity party or a b*** session- just a handful of women who share a common struggle talking.

One girl is having ER on Tuesday. She mentioned that she is 28. Once I heard her age- I felt a sting of jealousy and assumed this will work for her. At the end of class, I wished her good luck. She replied "thanks. This is our 4th IVF." I realized how wrong I was to judge her response to treatment based on her age. Here, at 28, she had already gone through 3 failed IVF's and most likely other treatments. As hard as IF is for me, it is probably even harder for young women. At least I can blame everything on my age-whether or not that's true.

The yoga part of the class was very gentle and refreshing. The class ended with several minutes of relaxation. Yeah, this class was a good move for me.

I had a nice chat with DH and we both really miss each other.

Just jealous and missing him...

Well, DH and his friends left a bit ago. I miss him already.

I guess a part of me is really jealous that he has this fun trip with really close friends and without ME while I'm in a very bad place emotionally. I'd love a vacation right now and I'm jealous. I have lots of work to do too and I need to figure out how to cope better. I'm jealous. I guess it didn't hit me how exciting it must have been for these guys and DH to plan this trip and there it was in my face during such a bad time for me. I'm being selfish. DH has a right to go away with his friends and to have fun without me. He didn't plan it like this on purpose. I feel sorry for myself. I'm lonely. Yes, I am being a baby but this is my pity party!! I'm allowed to be that way so there. I wish I were on vacation but I can't even think about that possibility for a very long time.

I really just wanted some time with him before this trip. Some reassurance that I'll be missed. I wish he had wanted to spend some time with me. Now, I just hope he misses me and I'm sure he will but I also think he will happy to get away from IF and me. I haven't been a lot of fun to be around.

Turns out- one of DH's friends had IVF and they are due in a few months! He knows quite a bit about the procedure and everything that goes with it. We talked briefly about it this morning before they left. I was somewhat envious at how involved he seemed to be with their IF and his level of knowledge. I hope he talk to DH about it. I hope he helps DH understand what I'm going through. According to DH, this guy's wife is one of the nicest people he's ever met. I've only met her once and I liked her a lot. Anyway, maybe if DH learns that she turned into the wicked witch of the west during IF- he'll have more empathy towards what I'm going through.

I've got acupuncture again today. I also have to hit the gym. I'm going to clean up as well...I had 3 extra guys here after all! You can only imagine!!

I've got to get back to who I use to be. I use to be a lot of fun, considerate and a really hard worker. Now I'm the mopey girl nobody wants to be around. You know- the one who is always miserable and crying. I use to hate that girl. Now I am her.

I'll try and work on the new plan tonight.

TGIF

I am so happy the week is almost over. The last week and a half has been one of the worst in my life. I think I am still somewhat in the beginning of the treatment journey so these feelings and pains are new and I haven't figured out how to deal with them yet. I am adjusting though. I've got to get my butt in gear for next week and get out of this mood. I haven't figured out how to do that yet but that is what the weekend is for-coming up with a plan.

I really can't wait until DH's friends are gone. It's very hard to pretend all is ok when I've had one of the worst few weeks of my life. Work sucks too. I cry in my office at least 20 times a day.

DH is making me feel really bad. Saying I never asked him to spend Saturday with me. It's even more hurtful that he is pretending it was something different. I did ask- I pretty much begged and I have proof of it. He is calling me crazy and that I'm trying to ruin his trip, etc. I've been very nice to HIS guests..cooking..cleaning..and entertaining even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry my heart out.

Of course I am upset. I have to move to IVF because he won't be around this cycle for an IUI so it's either wait a month or just move ahead and I chose to move ahead. Of course I am angry that he got drunk in my face after promising not to and knowing it can decrease my chance of getting pregnant and increase my chance of miscarriage. How can it not hurt me that he didn't care about that? Am I being unreasonable?

It sucks because I really really love him so much. I'm probably way too demanding. I wouldn't want to be married to me either!

On another note...I've been so exhausted this week. I've been going to bed very early and waking up late. I do tend to wake up quite a bit during the night and sometimes I am awake for an hour or two but overall- I am still sleeping quite a bit and I am still very very exhausted.

Keeping my head above water

Well it's been a pretty bad week but I think things will get much better next week. Maybe this week is a transition week.

I finally broke down and told someone at work what is going on. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wish I had done it sooner but it felt like I was admitting defeat and I didn't want to do that. In any case, it worked out well.

I stopped wearing eye makeup and although I don't like how I look without it- I am enjoying the freedom of crying without my makeup running. I'm going to get some waterproof mascara but I may try getting extreme lashes. I've secretly been wanting extreme lashes for a while but the cost and maintenance involved may be too much for me right now. Still, I already feel so bad- maybe I should do something that helps me look a little better.

DH has disappointed me even more and beyond what I thought possible. I asked him not to drink around me this week and to wait until Saturday- he will have 9 days with his friends to drink. Well, he promised he wouldn't but drank a bit on Tuesday night and then got completely sloshed last night. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't matter. It hurts a lot. I've shown him lots of research that his drinking will 1) affect our chances of conceiving and 2) will increase my chance of miscarriage but he obviously doesn't care. And then to do it in my face knowing how much it stresses me out- well, he obviously doesn't respect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if we will get through all of this together. I love him more than anything but love is not enough for a healthy marriage. Right now, I am really bitter and hurt. I really feel like he put a knife right through my heart and walked away without a second thought.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. One of his friends came yesterday and 2 others are coming today. They will all leave saturday morning. I am going to spend saturday figuring out how to move on and better manage the stress and emotional aspects of IF. I have to do something and I hope that by monday-I'll have it all figured out.

Oh what a day!

I went in for my baseline u/s and bloodwork (day4) and learned that I have 3 cysts. As I walked out of the clinic and headed towards work I stepped in a huge puddle that I hope was anything but pee.

I won't bore you with all of the things that went wrong at work but let me be clear that it wasn't a good day there either.

I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with my insurance to find out if CCRM is covered and if so-what the coverage entails. She said she would call me back today but never did. If my first IVF doesn't work I plan to go to CCRM so long as I'm covered.

I waited patiently for the nurse to call me with my numbers but she never called. I called just before the clinic closed and left her a message. I never heard back. I am suppose to start BCPs tomorrow but I don't know if the cysts change that so I started to panic. An hour or so later- I decided to email my RE....bet she regrets giving me her email! She replied but didn't really tell me much except that my FSH is 12.6, the highest it's ever been. I became devastated and scared. She also said she believes I will have a good response to the meds. Now what does that mean? I will have poor quality eggs but I'll have a lot of them? I hope my FSH doesn't stop me from conceiving. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is. I am so scared.

I am so angry with myself for waiting too long to get married and waiting too long before I went to an RE. I hope I didn't screw my chances. I know I need to patient to see how the IVF goes but it's not very easy. I feel like I made all of the wrong choices in life. I shouldn't have cared so much about getting an advanced degree, I shouldn't have cared so much about having a career, I shouldn't have cared so much about waiting for the right time to get married, the right time to get settled in my career, save $, and so many things. I would give all of that back to have a child. All of it. I always thought it would work once I was ready but it hasn't.

Well I need to get out of this funk as I cannot keep living like this. I'm so depressed and it's affecting the rest of my life. This is not who I am. I am soooo strong when it comes to everything else. I can't believe I am so weak about this. Well, I'm going to think of ways to become stronger and to better deal with IF since it looks like I will have to live with it for at least a little longer. I am really not a negative person. I'm actually quite the opposite. I need to find ways to incorporate that part of who I am into this. I've got to.

Sunday night

I really hate Sunday nights because I know I have at least 5 work days ahead of me. I got a lot done today though so I feel good about that.

I had nice long talks with both my mom and my sister. My mom is the most amazing mother in the world and her favorite thing to do is mother. I know it hurts her deeply not to have grandchildren. She's been wanting them for so long but I wasn't always ready and I wasn't always married either. Anyway, we didn't talk about IF but it was a nice talk. I know she senses something is up with me because I've been distant but I made it sound like I'm really busy at work (which is true) but not why I've been distant.

My sister brought up IF and I told her we will be doing IVF and she had lots of questions! She made a few comments because she didn't know any better but once I explained why what she said is inaccurate- she listened. She really listened. I know she wants me to have a baby and gives 'advice' to help. I love that girl. I didn't talk about it too much though because it's very hard for me to do that on the phone. I can do it in person and I can do it through email but I don't want to breakdown over the phone. She will visit just a few weeks after my IVF so I will either be really happy or really sad- either way, the timing is perfect because I will need her.

I keep flip flopping on whether I'd rather be living closer to my family right now or not. On the one hand-the support would be great and they would offer lots of hugs. On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to hide when I'm having really bad days...or weeks and they would try to 'help' which may not always be helpful.

Nothing new with DH. He has stayed away all day and he is clearly mad at me. I really don't care right now. He said I'm punishing him but I'm not. I would only punish to teach a lesson. I know he doesn't regret his choice yesterday and never will. I'm just hurt. I will get over it. By the time we get to spend QT together I will really be longing for it. He is, after all, my one and only soulmate. If I'm sure of one thing-that is it.

Feeling better

Well I am feeling much better today! It seems I woke up in a better mood.

DH came home around 8:30. He knew I was upset but I asked him to let me do my own thing and he did. I have a lot to do today so I won't be spending much time with him today either. Guess we have to wait about 3 weeks before we can get some good QT. Oh well.

I need to give my sis a call today. I miss her so much and I haven't talked to her much lately because I've been so down but I know she needs me for certain things in her life right now and I should be there for her. It's soooooooooo hard for me to talk to people I love right now. I'm sure I seem distant and they are hurt by that but I am so consumed with IF that I can't focus for too long on anything else...and I don't want to break down. That usually leads to a well meaning comment that ends up really hurting me and making me feel worse. I did talk to some other relatives yesterday. Even though I didn't bring up IF or anything relating to the subject and I pretended that everything is good- they managed to make me feel better somehow. Probably hearing their voices and knowing they love me is soothing on it's own.

Update.....DH is mad at me now because I told him I can't spend time with him today and telling me I'm being a baby. Maybe that is true but I'm also spending the day cleaning up and cooking for HIS visitors that are coming...besides the fact that I have work work to do. Yeah, maybe I am being a bit of a baby but I told him today is my work day- I knew I would be too devastated yesterday to get anything done. I tried to clean up yesterday but I couldn't. Yesterday was my free day. I usually take saturdays off because after monday-friday- I really need a break. This time with the BFN and the shock that I have to move to IVF- I just needed that day. Wish we could have done something together like go to the lake or a movie or something but it didn't work out and I took the day off anyway. Why am I the jerk here?? He had a choice and he made his choice. He will just have to wait a few weeks to spend quality time with me.

So...another rant about DH. This trip he is going on- well, he is going to get very drunk the entire time. Everything I've read tells me that won't be very good for his boys but there is no way he will compromise on the drinking for this trip. My best friends from college were here last week and I didn't have one drink while they got trashed every night. I don't know why he can't do that for me or at least limit the drinking but he can't. I hope it doesn't end up mattering. I'm wondering if I should put off the IVF by a month to accommodate his drinking vacation.

I know I sound very angry and I am but my DH can be amazing...he usually makes me laugh and does so many little things to make me happy. I love spending time with him. This just hasn't been a good week for us.

Drinking alone

I had my acupuncture and honestly- I don't feel any different. I was wrong. I really couldn't relax. I'm going to give it a few more tries before I completely give up on that.

Well...I guess I will be drinking alone. DH sent me an email saying it will be hours before he is home even though he had promissed even before I got upset about him going out today that he would spend tonight with me. Guess he's having a great time. I hope to be asleep when he gets here because I'm not interested in a fight and he will know that I am upset and he will bug me until a fight develops. A fight will definitely upset me more than I am now. I am really hurt by his decision today and nothing will take it away as the day is over and the night won't happen either. I don't need to punish him with a fight but I also don't want to spend time with him when he does finally come home. He said he'd spend the night with me when he first told me his plans. I practically begged him to spend the day with me. Ultimately, he chose to spend neither. Not much that can be done about that. He saw how I've been all week...he saw me break down so many times...he heard the RE talk about IVF and how invasive it is and how scared I am about it...he saw me devastated when I got my BFN...he learned from a therapist at the clinic how traumatizing this is for most women...he heard me talk to my RE about possible anti-depressants...he knew all of this and yet not only did he still go for the entire day after I begged him not to- he is staying out all night too. That just hurts bad. Really really bad.


This is why I almost never ever ask anyone to do anything for me. Never. I never do because I hate receiving a 'no'. Sometimes I try to give hints but I never actually ask. This time I didn't only ask- I practically begged. It's a bad day for me. I wouldn't want to be around me either if I were somebody else but I have no choice.

I feel so incredibly alone but I know I'm really not. I have such a wonderful family and group of friends I could call right now to feel better but I won't. I'd rather just have my pity party alone.

I'm probably going to have 100 posts before tomorrow but don't worry-I usually don't have this much free time. I really should have spent the day cleaning up, laundry, etc. but I could barely get out of bed this morning. I decided I just can't do anything productive today.

Ready for acupunture

I took a nice long bath and had another breakdown. I hope I'm done with those for today. They are really getting in the way!

I'm leaving for acupuncture soon. Some German study found that adding acupuncture during IVF cycles improves chances of a BFP. From what I could tell-the study was done in a very scientific/statistically accurate manner. I'm all about science so I decided to sign up. I had it done once- just before I started IF treatment. I found it very difficult to relax and stay still (just not in my nature). I think with all of the crying I have done and how drained I feel that I will be ok this time.

Tonight will be filled with drinking wine at home.

My First Post...

Well this is my first post in my first blog. I've been wanting to blog for years but I never thought infertility would be my topic but here we are...

I decided to start a blog mostly to have a place to vent and hold my pity parties so I apologize in advance. I'm usually a very cheerful person and known by those close to me as the person they can always count on for a smile or a comforting ear. I haven't been doing much of either lately...

I live far from family & close friends so my poor DH has had to put up with the majority of my breakdowns. I don't want to burden family & friends with this and usually when I do talk to them- I end up getting hurt by their well meaning comments anyway. One reason I decided to blog about this is to take away some of the pressure I put on DH through our journey.

Today is a very difficult day for me. I got the official BFN yesterday but I knew it was coming. It still hurt bad. We have decided to move forward with IVF. I'm not 100% comfortable with it and wish we could do one more IUI w/inj but both my RE and DH think it's best to go with IVF. I am scared of the meds- I am scared of the rollercoaster and most of all- I am scared of failure.

My DH is my soulmate. We fell in love from the moment our eyes met and could not stop the amazing attraction we had towards each other from day 1. However, I am a little upset with DH these days. Sometimes he really doesn't know how to act or what to say and when I am being completely unreasonable or I am moody (due to the drugs and the emotional pain of IF)- he says some really hurtful things. Words like 'if you could just relax it will happen' throw me into a rage. I hope he is learning. I know this isn't easy for him either. Anyway, he has some friends coming this week and then they are going away for all of next week including the 2 weekends. Once he comes back, I will have visitors the next weekend. We also had visitors last weekend. So, basically, this weekend will be our only weekend together out of 5. What did DH do today? He decided to spend the day riding his motorcycle with a friend. I asked him to do it tomorrow because I have work and errands to run tomorrow but his friend couldn't so DH didn't budge. I am very hurt. I know he loves to ride and I don't want to take that from him but it would have been nice if we could have done something together today...specially after the week I've had and the upcoming weekends I just mentioned. I just wish he would have preferred to spend the day with me instead.

I know I have not been easy to live with and I hate the person I'm becoming. I want the old me back so bad. Last night, DH and I went out for a nice dinner and drinks. I pretended I was younger and back in law school and just enjoying a typical night with my boyfriend (who is now DH). The vodka helped take IF off my mind for a bit. It was wonderful. I loved every minute of my pretend world.