The fire still burns, raging through the pain

It hasn't gotten any easier. Even breathing is extra hard. I have to make a conscious effort for each breath. I feel trapped in a body I want no part of. I want to leave but there is no exit. I hate feeling trapped. I hate closed spaces.

Clawing the thin ice

Since Monday afternoon, I feel like I'm walking around with an extra 200lbs of baggage and it sucks. It physically hurts to move. It takes all the energy I have to do the little things like get out of bed or get dressed. I'm so tired but I can't really sleep. I crash our of shear exhaustion only to wake up a few hours later.

The deep sadness I feel seems unbearable. The idea that we may never have our own child is devastating. How could I continue to watch everyone around have theirs without being bitter and hateful? How can I go through a lifetime of answering stupid questions like 'oh, you don't want children?' A lifetime of feeling left out? HOW??? I can hear the whispering already. I'll be the pathetic old bitter woman everyone knows. In time, nobody will remember or know the person I was before all of this.

I have seen the writing on the wall.

BFN.

I can't fucking believe it. 3 failed IVFs. 2 years of TTC and not even a chemical. Are my embies so bad that I can't even get a shitty chemical?

Sitting in a bunker here behind my wall

I am 13dpo. For the first time in two years, I have not POAS. Not because I'm patient. Not because I promised DH...broke several of those promises over the last two years. I haven't because all hope of a BFP has nearly disappeared. I have gotten so many BFNs that I just don't want anymore. Actually, I don't even want to go for the test tomorrow. I'm not ready for the devastation I'm almost certain lies before me.

Here by the fire side

Some pictures from last night's festivities!

DH jumping over candles....

We burned a menopur label to symbolize the injections....

We burned a follicle/ultrasound 'follow up' receipt. Don't want to ever have to do another one of those.

Ok, so we went a little overboard!

Ancient Persian Holiday

Today is a great day! Not only is it St. Patrick's Day but it also a wonderful Persian holiday that has been celebrated for several thousand years!

On this very special night, always the last Tuesday night before the Persian New Year which is precisely at the beginning of spring, we jump over fire and chant a phrase in Farsi that loosely translates to:

"Your burning red color shall be mine, My sickly yellow paleness shall be yours. "

Simply interpreted, the chant means you want the fire to take your paleness, sickness and problems; in return, the fire will give you its redness, warmth and energy. For more information, see:

http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=88863&sectionid=351020105

I live in a condo so the best I can do is light some candles and jump over them. Traditionally, I also burn something that represents bad things from the year before. This year, I will burn a bunch of IF related crap and hope the fire takes in all of it and gives me life (i.e. fertility). In the process, I will wish the same thing for all of YOU. But if you feel daring, go ahead, light a candle and jump over it tonight saying the above chant. You never know. Maybe we will free ourselves from this ugly sickness.

Is this not what you expected to see?

I'm sorry I didn't post an update. I was truly distraught on Saturday (day of transfer). Out of our 4 embies, 2 'arrested' between day 3 and 5. We transferred the other two, one a 12 cell embryo and one morula. I was pretty devastated with this result. It seemed like so much hope was sucked out of me. I actually wanted to slap the embryologist but quickly remembered it's not really her fault.

I'm starting to feel better. It is what it is and there is still a chance one or both of them stick around.

DH and I had a heated screaming match the morning of transfer which is not ideal but we did resolve everything before the transfer.

Thank you all so much for reaching out to me and giving me your words of wisdom. I cherish every word and feel blessed that I have you guys in my life. Even though we may never meet, you are all my sisters and I love you.

Open your heart, I'm coming home.

Transfer is set for tomorrow at 10:30AM. I really hope we have something good to transfer.

I've lost a lot of my spirit this week. DH and I got into a big fight the day after ER and it's been very rocky. He was sooooo perfect until then but blew it. It kind of sucks because it takes away how great he was for so long. I realized that no matter how hard I try to make a cycle perfect, something always gets really fucked up so I'm done trying to control any of this shit. Once again, I really tried to stay positive but this week got ruined. I know I should be excited for my transfer but I am more scared than anything else. Scared that once again, this will not work. Scared of the pain I will feel and the long term suffering I will have ahead of me. Scared of so much. I never use to be afraid of anything. Sorry if I sound down but this IS my pity party damn it!

While DH and I were fighting tonight, he asked me what happened to the girl you use to run through the fields smiling, wearing a cute hat. The girl surrounded by friends and so many people who loved her. The girl who was fun and liked to go out and do things and be social. What happened? She became infertile. That's what fucking happened.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

Out of 12 eggs, only 6 were mature and only 4 fertilized normally. I know I should be happy and grateful to have 4 but I don't understand why the other 6 weren't mature.

Is it because they cycled me even though I had 2 cysts? If so, did the cysts get in the way?
Is it because they should have had me stim an extra day?
Is it because retrieval was 34 hours after I took the ovidrel even though it says to take it 37 hours prior to retrieval?

OR

Is it because my eggs just suck?

The nurse actually said 'maybe we learned something from this and your eggs need to go an extra day to be mature.' Thanks so fucking much. Why didn't we figure this out last time after I only had 5 mature eggs our of 9?

I can't keep going through this. I was so happy and positive this cycle. I don't know what else I could do.

Retrieval

Retrieval went smoothly! We got 12 eggs!!!! I hoping for a good fert report and lots of good quality embies!

I slept most of the day so now it's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake! My ovaries still hurt a lot. It seems like that gets worse with every retrieval.

ER Tomorrow

I have ER tomorrow morning! I'm excited because I had such a better response than I have in the past.



My lining went down a little again yesterday but nobody seems worried about it. Right when I walked in, the u/s said 'so something weird is going on with you'. Thanks! The nurse told me not to worry and it was fine. I did hear the u/s technician say something to the nurse about my lining being cloudy, whatever that means. The only explanation I got was 'we are giving you lots of hormones so sometimes things happen, don't worry'. Yeah, easy for them to say isn't it?


I will ask my RE when I have him cornered...hehe For now, I'm ready to have these ripe eggs removed!

Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet.

Everything was great until this morning.

My lining went down from an 11 something yesterday to a 7 something today (same ultrasound tech). When I brought it to her attention, she looked for the thickest area and it was 9 something. She asked me if I have been bleeding and I haven't. The u/s tech was surprised and so was the nurse. I'm trying not to get too stressed but it does worry me a bit. I'm going back in tomorrow for a follow up.

On the brighter side, I have 14 measurable follicles. 1 or 2 are cysts but even 12 is a really good number for me! E2 was 2375 (yesterday it was 1965).

I have a dream, a fantasy

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger! I've been really swamped at work and other projects!

Here's a quick update:

Follie Check #1: March 2

9 measurable
6 tiny ones
E2: 650

Follie Check #2: Today
10 measurable
? tiny
E2: 1133

I can't help but be excited with these results! They are the best I've ever had so I'm excited to get more eggs and embies this cycle. With all of the bad news we get with infertility, a girl can dream right? So I decided to let my fantasies run wild the last few days. Maybe I will even have some to freeze!!