And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too

BEDREST

Today I am 6dp3dt. Every moment is going by SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow. If I learned one thing during my bedrest, it's that I'm quite lazy when I let myself. I had all these plans of things I could do while I'm lying on the couch like get caught up on some work, organize my overwhelming pile of papers and I got NOTHING done! I did obsess on the Internet and I watched a lot of tv. I even discovered the food network! I know, I'm really behind on that. It's actually pretty good. I'm using some recipes and tips this weekend. Ok, I digress. When I finally had to go back to work, it was really hard to get my ass out of bed. I even sat up and contemplated taking yet another day off but I forced myself to go. My point is, it's really easy to be lazy and it doesn't take long to get used to it.

4dp3dt-NOW

Thursday night, I started getting some strange cramps. Friday morning I woke up very crampy and bloated and I started to panic. I was very crampy/bloated all day yesterday and it really freaked me out. OMG this didn't fucking work. Wait, is it implantation cramping? It feels too much like my period. But my period isn't due for another week. But I never really had a full period last month since I was only on BCPs for 10 days so maybe my period wants to come early.

Today I woke up feeling much better. I'm not as crampy but I'm still bloated. For now, I think I've been having implantation cramping and it's starting to go away. That thought may change in the next 30 seconds. I fucking hate this. Yeah, the lunatic is definitely in my head. (Note: Pink Floyd 'Brain Damage' references in post).

Homeward bound..I wish I was

We transferred 4 embies yesterday! YUP, 4!!! The embryologist said that given my history and my age, it is extremely unlikely that more than 2 will implant and transferring the 4 would give us the highest chance of success. I took it.

We had:

2 8 cell embies, top grade
1 7-8 cell embie, next grade
1 5-6 cell embie, even lower grade

She said even the dud 4th embie didn't look too bad and we have a good chance overall. I feel good and I'm glad we are finished with ER and the transfer.

ER was really painful this time. My ovaries still hurt a bit every so often but it's not too bad anymore. I could barely stand or walk on Thursday and Friday. I actually ended up having a hard time Thursday and Friday. I took the prescription pain killers all day Thursday and I guess I was so out of it anyway that I didn't notice specific side effects. Well, woke up Friday in excruciating pain and decided to take 2 more. BIG MISTAKE. I spent the next several hours shaking, blurry and feeling absolutely miserable. It was actually pretty scary. DH was at work and I was upset with him about something that happened on Thursday so I didn't bother asking him to come home. I wish my mom had been here. I felt really lonely and just missed living close to family and friends. It's funny, I really can't figure out what is worse being far from everyone or living close. For the most part, I think the distance is good because I'm not forced to be social the way I would be if I lived near home. This way, I can have my solitude. I generally don't feel like being social anymore anyway. But...on Thursday night and Friday, I really could have used my mom or just someone here with me.

By Saturday, I was feeling a lot better. I spent most of the day cleaning up an extremely messy condo. I hadn't cleaned since before my ER so it was a disaster! I also organized a few closets and got some things in order. I hate being in a messy place, specially a messy kitchen.

I've been on the couch as much as possible since we got back yesterday. If I do this again which I really hope I never do, I will have to plan our my meals a little better and maybe have a cleaning lady come just before my transfer.

Well, I guess I was in need of a little pity party. Mostly because I felt very alone Thursday and Friday. I'm all good now though. I'm glad it's over and I feel even stronger because of it. I love that feeling.

Fert Report

I finally got the call.

9 eggs
5 mature
4 fertilized.

What a relief! Hopefully they will all continue to grow. Transfer is set for sunday.

Staring at the phone.

ER went ok. They got 9 eggs which was a little disappointing because I had so many follicles but the nurse said that not every follicle has an egg in it. I will know how many fertilized sometime today.

I'm in a lot more pain this time. Specially on my left side. I know my left ovary had a lot more eggs than my right one so maybe that's why. I liked the anesthesiologist more this time. Last time, my hand hurt like hell and ended up bruising really badly. This time, I don't have even the slightest discomfort. My throat hurt a lot though. I think they must have stuck something down there.

I hope they call soon and more importantly, I hope I have a good fertilization report. This waiting is agonizing.

Just a little pinprick

Trigger at 10:00PM tonight! I just did the Ganerelix so just the 2 vials of Ovidrel left. That's it for shots and tomorrow will be needle free!

I think I've gone through the entire spectrum of feelings tonight excitement, happiness, fear, doubt, anger, etc. There is just so much riding. I am thrilled at the possibility that I may have lots of eggs but I can't help the thoughts going through my head. Will most of them be overcooked or undercooked? Are they all bad quality? Will any fertilize? What if they don't? Does Ganerelix fry eggs? Why do RE's seem to prefer lupron? Maybe it's because there is no hope with the Ganerelix. But why would the RE put me on this if it didn't work? Did they just let me stim longer to make me feel better? Do they think I'm a lost cause? Minutes later, new thoughts enter my mind. WOW, what if I end up with a lot of fertilized eggs? Maybe even a few to freeze! I'm in a new lab after all. This lab is suppose to be really good. Maybe I'll even make it to a 5 day transfer!!!

It's amazing I haven't signed myself into a mental hospital yet.

It's the final countdown

I had another follie check/blood test today. I have 15 measurable follicles, the smallest one is 10 and the largest one is 27!! My E2 came back at 2385. I am stimming again tonight but I will definitely have ER on Thursday. They will call me sometime tomorrow.

I feel a lot more uncomfortable than I did last time. I am extremely bloated. I'm also really tired. If this were during the 2ww, I'd be sure I'm pregnant! I guess it's good though. It means things are brewing down there.

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery

Ultrasound technicians should really keep their opinions to themselves. They are not doctors and really don't have a clue as to what the doctor will do. The technician's unwarranted opinion is what freaked me out yesterday! I pulled my hair out all morning, kept my office door closed, cried on and off, and billed a fraction of what I should have due to my obsessive research on dominant follicles in between short spurts of legal insight. Argh....And for what? NOTHING. ZIP. There was no reason to panic.

I received the call late in the afternoon. The nurse eased my concerns and told me my RE looks at each person's individual history and response and makes the best determination based on his findings. He determined that I should stim last night and come in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork. She also mentioned that since I had several follicles that are smaller, he may just let the bigger ones go and wait for the smaller ones to have a bigger batch.

We had to wake up at 5:30AM to be at the clinic in time this morning. Dracula was a man this time and so was the ultrasound technician. The male ultrasound technician was a first for me and I felt a little strange talking about my ovaries and follicles with him. Thankfully, that didn't last very long. He said I have 9 measurable follicles and a few smaller ones. I got a call from the nurse and I am to stim tonight and tomorrow night and go back Monday morning for my next ultrasound/blood draw. Looks like I will end up with more than 3. PHEW..What a relief.

Another Brick in the Wall

Things didn't go so well this morning.

I had my 2nd follicle check after 7 days of stims and I have 2 @19, 1 @ 17 and about 6 between 9 and 10.5. I have another 6 tiny ones. So most likely, I will have three mature follicles going into IVF. I hate my body. I can't have just 3! With 10 eggs, 7 mature, ONLY ONE fertilized. What is the point of even going to retrieval with this? I keep trying new things like acupuncture or changing my diet and nothing is helping. I might as well start drinking like a fish again and maybe I should start smoking again too. God knows I know plenty of fertile smokers.

I don't even know if it's possible but I hope they can let some of these others grow. I keep trying to do more, try harder, change more habits, relax, do more yoga, FUCK I even took my belly ring out. Nothing is helping.

On a positive note, my mom sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday without even knowing that I was an emotional mess yesterday. She just felt something.

The needle tears a hole

The physical hole is obvious, the mental one is well beneath the surface.

These drugs really do a number on my fucking head. I was doing pretty well until late yesterday and then something minor really set me off and it was downhill from there. Basically, my dad
is an accountant and I asked him a question about our taxes and he went off on me with one of his typical rants. Meanwhile, DH is harassing me regarding the same question so my family is causing marital problems. As if marriage isn't hard enough, specially with infertility. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship but he's really been pissing me off lately. Every minor thing reminds of every other issue I've had with him during the last 30+ years. I did try to calm down and release the stress but it wasn't easy and I wasn't completely successful. I am now 100% convinced these drugs really fuck with your head and it's nearly impossible to remove yourself from it.

All in all, my family causes me a lot of stress. It's my fault too because I let things get to me, even when I'm not on drugs. I guess family knows exactly how to push your buttons. BTW- my family can also be one of the most supportive and loving families I've ever seen. Sometimes, I wonder if the bad makes the good worth it. Today it doesn't.

Follie check #1

I was pretty nervous about my first follie check after 4 days of stims. Last time, I had 5 mature follicles by today and I decided to convert my IVF to an IUI. Last time I had a very strange protocol. Part of the protocol included 600IU of Gonal F.

The U/S was better than expected, but not ideal. I have one follie at 15, one follie at 13, one at 8 and about 6 baby ones. I hope they all grow. I need as many eggs as I can get to increase our fert rate!

My E2 measured at 339. Last time (with the 5 mature follies) it was around 1700!

I am to continue with my dose tonight 300 Gonal F and 150 Menopur. Tomorrow I will add Ganarelix. My next follie check is friday. I guess they are not too concerned about my dominant follie or they would have me back in sooner.

I could really use a dose of patience! I've got yoga for fertility tonight and acupuncture in the AM so hopefully that will help.

I am more at peace this cycle. Maybe it's the holistic treatment. Maybe it's the new RE. I don't know but I like it.

And so it begins.

BASELINE UPDATE

I almost forgot about my baseline this morning. Thank god DH didn't! I guess after going through this month after month, it gets kind of old. I saw a couple in the waiting room, they were obviously there for their initial consult. You can always tell. Their eyes are lit up, smiles, and feelings of relief that they finally are doing something about their IF scream from their faces. Then there is the rest of us, our heads down and our eyes sad and puffy from crying so much. There were a lot of us there.

I had about 9 AFC's. Kind of a bummer since I had 14 last time but nothing I can do about that. Not much to report other than that. I will get a call later today and if all went well, I will start Gonal F and Menopur tomorrow.

CCRM UPDATE

I had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft of CCRM yesterday. I have mixed feelings about it. He said that our poor fertilization was very unusual, especially since we did ICSI. He hopes it was a fluke and we have a much better report this cycle.

He did not have the full report on my genetic report but he did see that it was abnormal (I have an inversion on chromosome 9). I explained this and he said he is not sure if he agrees with the genetic counselor we saw and if we choose to go to CCRM, he will have us talk to his genetic specialist. I don't know what to think of that right now. On the one hand I think the he is the best and probably knows everything about IF so there probably is an IF problem because of my inversion. On the other hand, I went to a PHD/MD expert on genetics and he told me he sees that often and my IF has nothing to do with that. I want to believe him but Dr. S's words have been biting my brain since I talked to him. I may have to find another genetic counselor and see what he/she has to say.

Basically, Dr. S. said that between my FSH of 12.6, the low fertilization, and the genetic report, if we get a low or no fertilization again, we may need to consider donor eggs. That was really hard to swallow and I wasn't ready for that. I guess a lot depends on this cycle. I am praying to every god that might listen that our last IVF was fluke and our fert will be much much better this time. He said the lab plays a big part on the fert rate and we will be using a different lab this time even though we are using the same clinic. My new RE even mentioned that while he lives so close to the lab in downtown (the one we used last time), he drives well over an hour to do all of his procedures in another lab. For now, I'm holding on to the hope that our problems were lab related.

I'm BACK!

It's a new year and it's time I blog again. The last month or so have been OK. Lots of downs but lots of ups too. The holidays are always a roller coaster for me. The highs are really good but the lows are really bad.

So my IUI's failed. No surprise there. I'm glad that I decided to convert the IVF though. It was the right decision.

I also decided to switch to another RE at my clinic. While I loved my old RE, it seemed that things weren't clicking and every time, I responded worse than the last time. The new RE also has the best reputation at the clinic and I had this nagging feeling that I wasn't with the best. My hubby and I met with him a few weeks ago and we both loved him. I will be going in for my baseline tomorrow morning and hopefully starting drugs on Friday. Expected ER is around the 19th.

I also had a phone consult with a doctor from www.haveababy.com in St. Louis. Apparently, his success rate is amazing. He had some ideas on things to try that sounded encouraging. While we are staying local for this IVF and hope for the best, we are happy to have another choice should this fail.

We also have a consult later this afternoon with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM. CCRM may also be an option in the future but given the cost associated, it will probably be a last resort.

Other than that, I'm having some issues with my family that are causing me stress. I wish I could turn it off so I could have a stress free cycle but I don't think that's possible. I will do my best to focus on yoga and meditation this cycle and limit family interactions to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety that come with it.