Further down the spiral

It's been a while, I know. I started many posts, but never finished them nor posted them. I've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride this cycle but I've tried my best to keep my spirits up. I've tried to move on from the negatives and find peace, but it hasn't helped. More bad news keeps coming.



My meeting with the genetic counselor did end up well. He said I have nothing to worry about. Good news I am quite thankful for. Still, it was an awful week or so leading up to that.



From day one I was uneasy about this protocol- mostly because I was nervous I was going to be on the pill for too long. I asked a lot of questions. The dates and the drugs just didn't seem right to me. Again, I hate my gut. It always ends up being right, but I never have a rational basis for thinking what I think during the process.



So the friday before thanksgiving (November 19) I went in for my baseline. An arbitrary date set based on me stopping BCP's on November 16. I didn't even get a real period- just very light spotting. I had 7 AFC's on each ovary and that made me really really happy! The nurse called me and told me everything looked perfect! I was sure things were going to work out this time. Pretty positive actually.



I did my drugs over thanksgiving while I was on holiday with family and traveling all over the place. I was ok with it after my initial temper tantrum. Today, after 5 days of stims, I went in for my first monitoring U/S and bloodwork. The results were terrible. I have 5 follicles ready to go and no chance for any more to catch up. I was devastated. After some consideration, I decided to cancel the IVF and go with an IUI. I know my chances are 1/10000000000 but I also know that my chances are pretty much the same if we go with an IVF so why use up one of my insurance covered procedures?



I went with my gut on this and I'm ok with it. It feels like a huge loss though. More wasted time. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Trying to be strong

First of all, I am so happy with the election result. We have proven to the world what kind of country we are and they can all shut up now because this would not happen anywhere else! We really do practice what we preach. We are a beautfiul democracy, a government for the people, by the people and we cherish our freedom.

Now- on the not so cheery IF note. It turns out I will have do some injections during thanksgiving. I was pretty frustrated that I will have to travel with meds and deal with that crap while I'm trying to enjoy my in laws and my own family but I've come to peace with it. My friend Joy suggested hiding everything in a box and that is what I intend to do! It was either this or wait until January to cycle and I just don't want to wait that long. I am impatient!!! Also, my work schedule will be a little better around the holidays.

I also received some bad news yesterday. One of genetic (chromosome) tests came back abnormal. I guess I have an inversion on chromosome 9. I spoke with my RE today and she made it sounds like it's not a big deal. I am cautiously optimistic. I have an appointment with a genetic counselor next week and I'm looking forward to that because I am hoping to get some answers on this and some other genetic concerns I have...the same ones that hurt my mom when I asked her about it.

DH and I are struggling a bit. He doesn't recognize the woman I'm becoming. I don't recognize her either. We do agree on one thing: neither of us like her.

Other than that, I am trying to stay positive and looking forward to the next round. I am also back into the swing with exercise but I am still eating way more than I should! Tomorrow is yoga for fertility. I love that class so much! I wish everyone had a place like that to go to.

Cutting the cord

So I've been pretty stressed since thursday. Thing is, I'm more stressed about the situation with my mom than anything else. I did ask her some questions related to my genetics and it really really upset her. I am sorry to have upset her but I don't regret asking. Anyway, this all happened after she upset ME about just 'relaxing'. She said some really really hurtful things after that that I haven't been able to take out of my mind. I am waiting for her to get here now after not seeing her for months and I will do my best to show my fake face and make her comfortable. I was really looking forward to seeing her but this just really ruined it.

I wish we had never had the conversation. I wish I hadn't tried to lean on her about IF. But...whenever something painful happens, a lesson is learned. I've learned a lesson. I've decided that I will shut her out of my IF journey from now on. I am considering just lying to her and telling her we've decided to just 'relax' and stopped treatment. It may be hard to do that though because I probably won't be able to make it home for Christmas due to treatment and I don't know what I would use as an excuse.

Whatever I do, I am so fortunate to have a network of other IF'ers who understand what it's like and whom I can turn to. Even though her intentions are good, it has caused me severe amounts of pain over and over again and it has made my IF experience worse. And it's not just her. It's all of the people who say things like 'just adopt and you'll get pregnant' or 'just relax', etc. I don't really have the energy to constantly educate them so I'm not going to spend too much time doing it.

For now, I will keep my chin up and make my mom and sis feel good while they are here. I don't want my mom upset about what I said but I don't want to apologize for having the concerns I have either. They are legitimate. She is being really dramatic about it too. I mean, she went on and on about how she wished she were dead because I hurt her so bad with my question. I guess that's where I get it from.

When it rains it pours.

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who reached out to me when I got my negative. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate it.


I've been trying to keep my mind focused on different things and away from IF and I think I've done a good job. Yes, I've cried a lot still but I try to think about positive things and do other things to keep my busy.

Today though, I just lost it. I don't have time to get into the entire thing in too much detail but it started with being put on injections during thanksgiving week while I will be traveling to multiple places to visit family. Doing several injections a day, refrigerating my meds for my entire extended family to see, etc. just really isn't an option. I had reiterated this numerous times. I don't know what will happen now. I may have to skip another month which pi*** me off because they had me start BCP's and I hate BCP's.

Then I got into a fight with my mom who for the 1000000000000000 time, told me it's because I stress too much and it would happen otherwise. I'm so fucking tired of hearing that- specially from her. I've decided to shut her out of this part of my life now. She will not know anything anymore. She is coming for a visit in Saturday and I was really looking forward to it and I still am but....maybe it will be good to pretend IF isn't a part of my life right now. I asked her not to talk to me about it anymore. I hope she doesn't bring it up. She has her opinion that it's stress related and my RE believes it has to do with my eggs, my FSH, DH's morphology, etc. Gee, I don't know who to believe.

Oh, I also found out a relative who is 1 year older than me who just got married in June was pregnant (she lost the baby). I'm sorry she lost the baby but I'm jealous it was so easy for her to get pregnant. My mom said it's because she doesn't stress out. Oh, mom mom also says it's because I was on BCP's for several years in my 20's. Again, my RE disagrees but I'm sure my mom has much more knowledge.

I'm off to Yoga for fertility. I imagine I will feel much better after that.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you again....

I took an HPT this morning and it was BFN. I get the official results later today but we know with a reasonable degree of certainty what that will bring. I hate my gut. My gut was babbling away...telling me it didn't work and I kept asking it to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yet, during my most peaceful moments- like while I was meditating, a voice kept telling me it worked. I must be losing my mind. IF seems to do that.

We had a perfect embryo that died inside of me. It was the only one that fertilized. I guess I was hoping this was our miracle. I tried everything. I tried to stay positive. I did acupuncture. I took yoga for fertility. I meditated. I didn't exercise. What now?

I feel so lost. I feel so beaten. I feel so empty. I feel like I want this to end but I can't stop yet. I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come back out.

Beta Tomorrow....SCARED

Well, I am petrified. I have always been a POAS addict but not this time. DH made me promise when I came out of ER not to POAS but now he actually wants me to test because he is stressed! I told him the earliest I will take one is in the morning and I don't even think I will do that.

I am so scared to get a BFN that I want to delay that possibility for as long as possible. Things have been good the last few weeks with the exception of our low fertilization. I've really enjoyed the 'high' and I don't want to go back down again. And...our little embie is the closest DH and I have ever gotten to having a baby. I am just so scared.

I am feeling PMS symptoms which are freaking me out. I know, they could go either way but I've never been pregnant so I don't know what that feels like.

Please pray for us.

Feelin' Groovy....

Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy.....

Wow. I've had 2 days now, yes 2 DAYS without any tears AND feeling great! I was confused yesterday...wondering who this new person was, walking around smiling, being social, making jokes and then I remembered...it's the old and pre IF...ME! How quickly I forgot. Well, I have a new found appreciation for my old self now because the IF me really sucks ass.

I know the feeling may not last too long and dark days may be ahead still, but wow does it feel good right now!!

I've been meditating almost every day. I haven't done yoga since ER...nurse told me exercise to but I really don't see the harm. I'm missing it BAD! Oh well, of course it's worth it.

I've been feeling a little crampy/bloated since ET (maybe even earlier) but that's about it.

For now, I'm enjoying the moment and this wonderful feeling I've missed so much.