I feel pretty!

So...I got the extreme lashes yesterday and I LOVE them! I didn't even get a full set- just the bare minimum but let me tell you- I no longer need mascara! This is the first time I felt pretty in a really long time. My eyes have been puffy for weeks from crying so much...I've been keeping my head down...not really making an effort to look good. Sometimes getting out of bed takes so much energy there isn't enough left over. Best part of the lashes- no more runny eye make up from crying constantly! I had a pretty good day yesterday actually.

DH is coming home today. It's funny, being alone the first few days were really hard but I'm kind of use to it now. ;-) He emailed me yesterday and asked me to cook a bunch of authentic food for him and his buddies which I am. These guys are here until thursday and then one of my cousins will be here with her husband on thursday (through monday) and another one will show up on saturday. It's going to be very challenging because neither know about IF so I have to pretend I am fine and everything is great. Not sure how I am going to swing that but there is no way they can know.

I got my box of meds on friday..looking at all of the needles and different drugs gave me a headache and I can't help feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this while everyone around me seems to get pregnant after a guy breathes heavy near them. I decided to stay on BCP's for an extra week so that DH's drinking this past week isn't as much of an issue. Call me paranoid but I'm doing everything I can in MY power for this to be a success.

Anyway, I feel like I've hardened over the last few weeks but I also feel stronger. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain.

High and Low

Well, I actually made some progress yesterday and today! YIPPEE!! I got some work done! I didn't get much sleep last night but I woke up this morning feeling good! I've been trying to keep that feeling going but it's not easy. Bad feelings creep in a lot but I've been trying to move those out. I think it's going to take some practice.

I also scheduled a hair appointment and an appointment to try out extreme lashes!! This is just a minor touch up, where they just give you what they call a feather look instead of the whole shebang, but if I like it I will go all out. I figure I cry way too much these days and I like wearing eye makeup so this is a compromise. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! I think if I take better care of how I look I will feel better. Lately- I've been letting everything go because I really just don't care about most things anymore. I am trying to change that.

I'm trying to get more work done today and even volunteered to do some emergency work...imagine that!!

Anyway, overall- I think today is my first day of something positive after almost 3 really bad weeks. It's a start.

The way I feel right now reminds me of one of my favorite Voilent Femmes songs:

"Good feeling,
won't you say stay with me ...just a little longer
It always seems like you're leaving,
when I know the other one... just a little too well"

The song also reminds me of being very young and an old love saying to me 'put on the killing women song'...but that's a story for another day.

No Motivation

I have lost just about all of my motivation. I use to be so driven but IF seems to have taken it from me. I keep trying to fight back but keep ending up in the same spot- getting nothing done with absolutely no desire to do anything.

How do I change this? It seems like IF is the one thing in my life that I can't control but I've let go of all of the things I CAN control like my work, my weight and even the simple things like doing my laundry or paying the bills. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I feel so weak and defeated. I've always thought of myself as really strong but this is making me realize that I'm not. :-(

I don't know how other people do it. How do they put IF on the back burner while getting through the day? And how do people really 'drown themselves in their work'? Please, if you know the recipe- I'd like to see it.

Well, today is a new day and I'm going to try again. I'm going to desperately try to focus on my work and actually get things done today.

Yoga for Fertility

Ok. I'm trying everything here. Today was my first day at yoga for fertility and I really enjoyed it. It was a small group of women- all going through IF struggles. I felt an immediate connection with the women there and it felt peaceful. We spent the first part of the class talking about where we are and some challenges. It wasn't a pity party or a b*** session- just a handful of women who share a common struggle talking.

One girl is having ER on Tuesday. She mentioned that she is 28. Once I heard her age- I felt a sting of jealousy and assumed this will work for her. At the end of class, I wished her good luck. She replied "thanks. This is our 4th IVF." I realized how wrong I was to judge her response to treatment based on her age. Here, at 28, she had already gone through 3 failed IVF's and most likely other treatments. As hard as IF is for me, it is probably even harder for young women. At least I can blame everything on my age-whether or not that's true.

The yoga part of the class was very gentle and refreshing. The class ended with several minutes of relaxation. Yeah, this class was a good move for me.

I had a nice chat with DH and we both really miss each other.

Just jealous and missing him...

Well, DH and his friends left a bit ago. I miss him already.

I guess a part of me is really jealous that he has this fun trip with really close friends and without ME while I'm in a very bad place emotionally. I'd love a vacation right now and I'm jealous. I have lots of work to do too and I need to figure out how to cope better. I'm jealous. I guess it didn't hit me how exciting it must have been for these guys and DH to plan this trip and there it was in my face during such a bad time for me. I'm being selfish. DH has a right to go away with his friends and to have fun without me. He didn't plan it like this on purpose. I feel sorry for myself. I'm lonely. Yes, I am being a baby but this is my pity party!! I'm allowed to be that way so there. I wish I were on vacation but I can't even think about that possibility for a very long time.

I really just wanted some time with him before this trip. Some reassurance that I'll be missed. I wish he had wanted to spend some time with me. Now, I just hope he misses me and I'm sure he will but I also think he will happy to get away from IF and me. I haven't been a lot of fun to be around.

Turns out- one of DH's friends had IVF and they are due in a few months! He knows quite a bit about the procedure and everything that goes with it. We talked briefly about it this morning before they left. I was somewhat envious at how involved he seemed to be with their IF and his level of knowledge. I hope he talk to DH about it. I hope he helps DH understand what I'm going through. According to DH, this guy's wife is one of the nicest people he's ever met. I've only met her once and I liked her a lot. Anyway, maybe if DH learns that she turned into the wicked witch of the west during IF- he'll have more empathy towards what I'm going through.

I've got acupuncture again today. I also have to hit the gym. I'm going to clean up as well...I had 3 extra guys here after all! You can only imagine!!

I've got to get back to who I use to be. I use to be a lot of fun, considerate and a really hard worker. Now I'm the mopey girl nobody wants to be around. You know- the one who is always miserable and crying. I use to hate that girl. Now I am her.

I'll try and work on the new plan tonight.

TGIF

I am so happy the week is almost over. The last week and a half has been one of the worst in my life. I think I am still somewhat in the beginning of the treatment journey so these feelings and pains are new and I haven't figured out how to deal with them yet. I am adjusting though. I've got to get my butt in gear for next week and get out of this mood. I haven't figured out how to do that yet but that is what the weekend is for-coming up with a plan.

I really can't wait until DH's friends are gone. It's very hard to pretend all is ok when I've had one of the worst few weeks of my life. Work sucks too. I cry in my office at least 20 times a day.

DH is making me feel really bad. Saying I never asked him to spend Saturday with me. It's even more hurtful that he is pretending it was something different. I did ask- I pretty much begged and I have proof of it. He is calling me crazy and that I'm trying to ruin his trip, etc. I've been very nice to HIS guests..cooking..cleaning..and entertaining even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry my heart out.

Of course I am upset. I have to move to IVF because he won't be around this cycle for an IUI so it's either wait a month or just move ahead and I chose to move ahead. Of course I am angry that he got drunk in my face after promising not to and knowing it can decrease my chance of getting pregnant and increase my chance of miscarriage. How can it not hurt me that he didn't care about that? Am I being unreasonable?

It sucks because I really really love him so much. I'm probably way too demanding. I wouldn't want to be married to me either!

On another note...I've been so exhausted this week. I've been going to bed very early and waking up late. I do tend to wake up quite a bit during the night and sometimes I am awake for an hour or two but overall- I am still sleeping quite a bit and I am still very very exhausted.

Keeping my head above water

Well it's been a pretty bad week but I think things will get much better next week. Maybe this week is a transition week.

I finally broke down and told someone at work what is going on. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wish I had done it sooner but it felt like I was admitting defeat and I didn't want to do that. In any case, it worked out well.

I stopped wearing eye makeup and although I don't like how I look without it- I am enjoying the freedom of crying without my makeup running. I'm going to get some waterproof mascara but I may try getting extreme lashes. I've secretly been wanting extreme lashes for a while but the cost and maintenance involved may be too much for me right now. Still, I already feel so bad- maybe I should do something that helps me look a little better.

DH has disappointed me even more and beyond what I thought possible. I asked him not to drink around me this week and to wait until Saturday- he will have 9 days with his friends to drink. Well, he promised he wouldn't but drank a bit on Tuesday night and then got completely sloshed last night. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't matter. It hurts a lot. I've shown him lots of research that his drinking will 1) affect our chances of conceiving and 2) will increase my chance of miscarriage but he obviously doesn't care. And then to do it in my face knowing how much it stresses me out- well, he obviously doesn't respect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if we will get through all of this together. I love him more than anything but love is not enough for a healthy marriage. Right now, I am really bitter and hurt. I really feel like he put a knife right through my heart and walked away without a second thought.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. One of his friends came yesterday and 2 others are coming today. They will all leave saturday morning. I am going to spend saturday figuring out how to move on and better manage the stress and emotional aspects of IF. I have to do something and I hope that by monday-I'll have it all figured out.