The tolling of the iron bell

Tomorrow, I go in for my baseline and if all goes ok, stimms start on Wednesday. I'm scared. I've been trying to avoid thinking about IF for the last week or so but it creeps its way into my thoughts often. Each time, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and energy seems to quickly runaway from me. I can't believe I'm going through this AGAIN. I'm so tired of it all. On the one hand, I'm excited to start again and hope this will be it. On the other hand I'm petrified that it won't work. That it will never work, and the thought of that is terrifying.

You slip out of your depth and out of your mind

I am so tired. I seem to be getting a lot of sleep, but I feel really worn out. I use to pull allnigheters without a sweat. I could go weeks without a good night of sleep. What's happening to me? Is it the Estrace I'm taking? Is it my age? I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't remember how it feels to be normal. My boobs seem to have gone from a B to a permanent C.

I'm starting another cycle right away. We had a regroup with our RE last week and he said we can get in on the March cycle. No BCPs this time which is great. I started 2mg of Estrace last Wednesday and I will take it through February 20. I begin injections on February 25. While I really wanted a break, the timing is good and I will definitely take a break before our 4th and final IVF, should this fail.

The last week has been rough. What week isn't? But this time, with the death of a close relative, it was extra painful. And...I'm expected to be the strong one for my sister and the support branch for my mom like I've always been in the past. I don't have any energy left to give. It seems like every day I try to have a little bit of energy, I try to uplift myself and make positive changes but by the end of the day, I end up even more broken than the day before. My mom has some very large burdens and I should be there for her for emotional support. It's the least I can do, but it seems so fucking hard lately.

Sometimes I feel like such a spoiled brat. I should be happy for all that I have and suck up the fact that others lean on me for emotional support. My mom sent me flowers to work. My sister and my mother in law sent me flowers at home. I always tell DH not to bother with flowers or anything for VDAY. I woke up Saturday morning to the 2 most wonderful cards I've ever seen. The first was one of those mooshy I love you cards. The 2nd said we can go shoe shopping! So DH and I spent part of VDAY picking out shoes for me. I am crazy about shoes and have been ever since I was old enough to talk.

Anyway, I feel so fortunate to have so much love around me and to have a DH who spoils me rotten. Yet, I can't seem to completely remove myself from all of the negativity in my life. I feel so tired and weak.

Wish you were here

I've been so wrapped up in my own life, hiding from everyone. Even people I truly love. An aunt I adored passed away this week. She lives in another country. I didn't see her very often, but we were close. I'd adored her since I was very little She even came and stayed with me for a few days this summer. She seemed perfectly healthy. A month or so ago, she started having health problems. I wanted to call her. I really did. But I couldn't. Or maybe I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I was so selfishly wrapped up in my own life I didn't want more sadness in it. I don't know. I've been avoiding everyone lately. It takes such an effort. Well, I really fucked up this time because now she is gone. I have to fucking live with the fact that I kept putting off calling her until it was too late. FUCK. FUCK FUCK. I have to blame IF for this too. The old me would never have done this. NEVER. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. I can't continue avoiding people I love. You just never know.

I am so fucking tired of crying.

Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all

The official word came in. BFN. I held on to some hope. Stupid, I know. But I did. I feel broken. I'm still in shock. Our 4 little embies died inside my body.

DH had an awesome idea though. We are going to San Antonio for a last minute getaway this weekend. I use to travel to Dallas quite often for work. Haven't been there for over 10 years. Can't seem to stop thinking about who I was then, young and fertile and healthy and free from so much pain and baggage. No grey hair to worry about. Carrying 45 lbs less than I do now. So proud to be an independent and educated working woman. No way was I going to be one of those women who just wanted to get married and be a stay at home mom. How things change.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

I tested this morning (9dp3dt) and got a BFN. The 'F' stands for fucking btw. I can't fucking believe it. I feel like someone died. I really thought this was it. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why not me? DH and I have so much love to give. I know we would provide an amazingly fun and nurturing home.

I feel so fucking weak. I feel like this will never work but I can't stop trying. I fucking hate the person this is making me into. I HATE HER. She's everything I hate, bitter, sad & baggy eyes, filled with baggage. I use to be the cheerful fun girl who could laugh at anything. I use to lift everyone else's spirits. Now I can't even lift my own.

I'm not a religious person. At times I believe in positive and negative energy, call it karma if you want. Given my scientific background, I like to think of it as Newton's third law of motion. Whatever it is, that was the extent of my religion, 90% of the time anyway. This cycle made me question my beliefs. I was given sign after sign that this is going to work! This was my cycle. As skeptical as I am, I even promissed that should this cycle work, I will find a more spiritual path. But no. This cycle not only took away another chance of motherhood from me, it took that 10% of hope that I had.