Further down the spiral

It's been a while, I know. I started many posts, but never finished them nor posted them. I've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride this cycle but I've tried my best to keep my spirits up. I've tried to move on from the negatives and find peace, but it hasn't helped. More bad news keeps coming.



My meeting with the genetic counselor did end up well. He said I have nothing to worry about. Good news I am quite thankful for. Still, it was an awful week or so leading up to that.



From day one I was uneasy about this protocol- mostly because I was nervous I was going to be on the pill for too long. I asked a lot of questions. The dates and the drugs just didn't seem right to me. Again, I hate my gut. It always ends up being right, but I never have a rational basis for thinking what I think during the process.



So the friday before thanksgiving (November 19) I went in for my baseline. An arbitrary date set based on me stopping BCP's on November 16. I didn't even get a real period- just very light spotting. I had 7 AFC's on each ovary and that made me really really happy! The nurse called me and told me everything looked perfect! I was sure things were going to work out this time. Pretty positive actually.



I did my drugs over thanksgiving while I was on holiday with family and traveling all over the place. I was ok with it after my initial temper tantrum. Today, after 5 days of stims, I went in for my first monitoring U/S and bloodwork. The results were terrible. I have 5 follicles ready to go and no chance for any more to catch up. I was devastated. After some consideration, I decided to cancel the IVF and go with an IUI. I know my chances are 1/10000000000 but I also know that my chances are pretty much the same if we go with an IVF so why use up one of my insurance covered procedures?



I went with my gut on this and I'm ok with it. It feels like a huge loss though. More wasted time. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.