Is this not what you expected to see?

I'm sorry I didn't post an update. I was truly distraught on Saturday (day of transfer). Out of our 4 embies, 2 'arrested' between day 3 and 5. We transferred the other two, one a 12 cell embryo and one morula. I was pretty devastated with this result. It seemed like so much hope was sucked out of me. I actually wanted to slap the embryologist but quickly remembered it's not really her fault.

I'm starting to feel better. It is what it is and there is still a chance one or both of them stick around.

DH and I had a heated screaming match the morning of transfer which is not ideal but we did resolve everything before the transfer.

Thank you all so much for reaching out to me and giving me your words of wisdom. I cherish every word and feel blessed that I have you guys in my life. Even though we may never meet, you are all my sisters and I love you.

Open your heart, I'm coming home.

Transfer is set for tomorrow at 10:30AM. I really hope we have something good to transfer.

I've lost a lot of my spirit this week. DH and I got into a big fight the day after ER and it's been very rocky. He was sooooo perfect until then but blew it. It kind of sucks because it takes away how great he was for so long. I realized that no matter how hard I try to make a cycle perfect, something always gets really fucked up so I'm done trying to control any of this shit. Once again, I really tried to stay positive but this week got ruined. I know I should be excited for my transfer but I am more scared than anything else. Scared that once again, this will not work. Scared of the pain I will feel and the long term suffering I will have ahead of me. Scared of so much. I never use to be afraid of anything. Sorry if I sound down but this IS my pity party damn it!

While DH and I were fighting tonight, he asked me what happened to the girl you use to run through the fields smiling, wearing a cute hat. The girl surrounded by friends and so many people who loved her. The girl who was fun and liked to go out and do things and be social. What happened? She became infertile. That's what fucking happened.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

Out of 12 eggs, only 6 were mature and only 4 fertilized normally. I know I should be happy and grateful to have 4 but I don't understand why the other 6 weren't mature.

Is it because they cycled me even though I had 2 cysts? If so, did the cysts get in the way?
Is it because they should have had me stim an extra day?
Is it because retrieval was 34 hours after I took the ovidrel even though it says to take it 37 hours prior to retrieval?

OR

Is it because my eggs just suck?

The nurse actually said 'maybe we learned something from this and your eggs need to go an extra day to be mature.' Thanks so fucking much. Why didn't we figure this out last time after I only had 5 mature eggs our of 9?

I can't keep going through this. I was so happy and positive this cycle. I don't know what else I could do.

Retrieval

Retrieval went smoothly! We got 12 eggs!!!! I hoping for a good fert report and lots of good quality embies!

I slept most of the day so now it's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake! My ovaries still hurt a lot. It seems like that gets worse with every retrieval.

ER Tomorrow

I have ER tomorrow morning! I'm excited because I had such a better response than I have in the past.



My lining went down a little again yesterday but nobody seems worried about it. Right when I walked in, the u/s said 'so something weird is going on with you'. Thanks! The nurse told me not to worry and it was fine. I did hear the u/s technician say something to the nurse about my lining being cloudy, whatever that means. The only explanation I got was 'we are giving you lots of hormones so sometimes things happen, don't worry'. Yeah, easy for them to say isn't it?


I will ask my RE when I have him cornered...hehe For now, I'm ready to have these ripe eggs removed!

Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet.

Everything was great until this morning.

My lining went down from an 11 something yesterday to a 7 something today (same ultrasound tech). When I brought it to her attention, she looked for the thickest area and it was 9 something. She asked me if I have been bleeding and I haven't. The u/s tech was surprised and so was the nurse. I'm trying not to get too stressed but it does worry me a bit. I'm going back in tomorrow for a follow up.

On the brighter side, I have 14 measurable follicles. 1 or 2 are cysts but even 12 is a really good number for me! E2 was 2375 (yesterday it was 1965).

I have a dream, a fantasy

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger! I've been really swamped at work and other projects!

Here's a quick update:

Follie Check #1: March 2

9 measurable
6 tiny ones
E2: 650

Follie Check #2: Today
10 measurable
? tiny
E2: 1133

I can't help but be excited with these results! They are the best I've ever had so I'm excited to get more eggs and embies this cycle. With all of the bad news we get with infertility, a girl can dream right? So I decided to let my fantasies run wild the last few days. Maybe I will even have some to freeze!!