Hanging on in quiet desperation

But it was only fantasy. The wall was too high, as you can see.

2010-02-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

To make a long story short, 1 fertilized.

It's over.

I give up.

I sentence you to be exposed before peers

2010-02-22T12:00:00.001-08:00

I got an extremely painful phone call tonight. Here I am in Denver, on our 6th ivf procedure. Our savings GONE, vacation time GONE and hope about 90% gone and I got a phone call. One of my very best friends is a man and he knows everything we've been through the last few years. Anyway, he called adn this is how the conversation went:

Him: "where are you? What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm in Denver."
Him: "Are you getting poked?"
Me: "yes"
Him: "Does it hurt?"
Me: "not so much physically."
Him: "well good luck. Guess what? I'm going to be a dad."

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

I can't get away from it. I'm happy for him. I know this is something he's wanted since he was in his early 20's but never had a long term girlfriend. He's only been with this girl for maybe 6 months and they weren't actually trying. She's my age. WHY is it so easy for everyone else???

I just finished telling my mom and her response was "lots of people have other issues you don't have. You only think this is so terrible because it is happening to you." I know she wants to make me feel better and ALWAYS does whenever anything else was wrong but this is an area where I wish she'd just hug me and not give me an opinion.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

2010-02-21T10:20:00.000-08:00

I had a huge breakdown today. I f*ing hate my gut. I knew this protocol wasn't going to work well for me but I decided to defer to Dr. Schoolcraft who assured me that he believed I would be "pleasantly surprised." After all, I'm not a doctor. What the fuck do I know?

A history of my IVF cycles:

#1 - MDL. 10 eggs, 7 mature, 1 fertilized. BFN

#2- MDL 5 mature follies after 4 days of meds. I canceled the cycle (converted to IUI) and switched my RE. BFN

#3- Antagonist- 9 eggs, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. BFN

#4 EPP Antagonist- 12 eggs, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. BFN

#5 switched to CCRM- 9 eggs, 4 fertilized and frozen on day 1.

After #5, I had a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he convinced me to do another MDL protocol even though I was hesitant given my past experience with it. He believed I would end up with more eggs. Guess what? I have about 5 good looking follies and will likely trigger tonight. Given our history, we will end up with 1 or 2 fertilized eggs if we are lucky.

I know it's not over but it's obvious to me how this will end up. Here I am, wasting more money for another IVF and we won't be cycling again. I know I recently said I was done but I don't know anymore. I don't like being done before I succeed but $ is going to control this and it sucks. I probably just feel like this because I'm in the middle of it all. I knew this would be an emotionally tolling experience which is why I avoided it for so long. In any case, I can't wait for this to be over. It really just sucks.

Hello? Is there anybody in there?

2010-02-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

Not sure if any of my old buddies are around anymore. From what I can tell, almost all have conceived and I am really happy for all of them (you). Whenever an infertile conceives, it gives the rest of us some hope. Anyway, it's been quite a while since my last post. 7 months actually. WOW. Time flies....Here's my not so brief update.

Our cycle in July was ok. We ended up with 4 embies that are still frozen. After that cycle, I needed another break from everything. Over 2 years of treatments just got the best of me and I was tired of it all. I also got really busy with other things and decided I cannot allow the weight gain, the schedules, the emotional pain, the hormones, and the absolute control of my life to continue while I just "waited" for something to happen that didn't look like it would. DH and I went on a bunch of trips and went back to our old lives; free from needles and schedules, back to the gym, alcohol and coffee, etc. I kept my pain inside, hidden from almost everyone.

I knew I wanted to do another frozen cycle at CCRM (so that I could have more embies to work with) but I didn't know when. I got laid off in December and decided, it's the right time to have another cycle. I also realized, that no matter what, even if I win the lottery, this will be my last IVF cycle with my eggs. I've had enough. I used to think that I was crazy enough to cycle over and over and over again until I find that golden egg but I'm ready to throw in the towel. There is almost so much a person can take and as many wise woman told me, I will know when I've reached my limit. They were right.

On Wednesday we are heading to Denver. My mom is coming too. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her. Retrieval is set for around 2/24. I'm looking forward to closing this painful and long chapter in our lives. No matter what the outcome, I will never understand why it's been so hard for us. I'll never be who I would have been had we never been through this. But I do think the worst is over. I do think that I've come to accept that this may not happen for us and there's nothing we can do about it. These are the cards we were dealt and we can either bury ourselves in a hole or we can keep living. I also know that we are much closer now. We are both more compassionate towards other people. We are less judgmental. And of course, we are much much stronger.

YUP! It's definitely the drugs.

2009-07-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

I was on some sort of IF drugs for so long I lost touch with myself and found myself unable to decipher between my real self and my drugged self. During my break, I slowly started to revert to my less moody, less teary and definitely less bitchy self. I will never be the same of course. Never. But I do know that the bitchy, angry, teary woman of today isn't really me. It's the drugs. I am on my 10th day of stims and I'm really starting to feel it. For absolutely no reason, I want to pound the shit out of something. My poor DH!

Besides that, we are really enjoying Colorado and made this into a mini vacation. We spent Friday in Cheyenne, Wyoming, Saturday in Canon City, and yesterday in Vail. Yes, DH is an adventurer and rarely leaves a moment free! We both worked from the hotel today so it was a pretty uneventful day.

I did get a message at CCRM and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's $50 for an hour and she is not allowed to accept tips. I've been to some top end spas and this is one of the best massages I've ever had.

According to their original schedule, I was suppose to trigger tonight but I'm being moved by at least one day. I'm not really paying much attention to this stuff because I don't want to feel stressed about numbers but I can't help getting some minimal info.

As of this morning, I had 9 or 10 measurable follies. Some were pretty small. My E2 came back at 1924.

Overall, I'm really happy with my decision to come here. They seem very meticulous and detail oriented. I have the peace of mind knowing that I'm with the best.

So I Took a Break...

2009-07-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Just a very quick update.

Thanks to all of you who have been concerned. I am sorry I was such a bad blogger for so long. I thought about writing an update oh so many times but for lack of a better excuse, I didn't.

After my last failure, I was devastated. I realized that I had been on drugs nonstop for well over a year and really needed to give my body and mind a break. Given my obsessive personality, I quickly found new obsessions to focus on. To name a few, since mid April, I studied for and passed the Patent Bar, I implemented a huge event relating to an important case that I am not representing but is very important to me, and I am deeply involved in something else that I don't want to reveal on my blog as I may lose my anonymity. Those of you whom I know personally, know exactly what I am talking about.

So, what did focusing on other things do for me? A LOT! I eventually found my confidence again! The morning I was leaving for the patent bar exam, my conversation with my hubby went something like this:

me: "I am going to fail. I am not prepared, I didn't study enough." (It is true that I wasn't fully prepared as I studied about 1/4 of the recommended amount).

Hubby: "Of course you will pass! You always pass. Stop it!."

Me: "That was before I became a loser."

And I left the house.

On my way to my exam I realized that I had let IF take over not just my body but my identity as well. I was so entrenched in my fertility failure that I saw myself as a failure in everything. I decided right there, on my way to my exam, that I may have IF, but I can't let it define everything I am anymore. I went into the exam with an amazing level of confidence and I passed the exam.

After that, things just started getting better and I started to see the old me again. Of course, there were many moments of IF related sadness but I tried to minimize them and move on as quickly as possible.

Sometime during this process, I got the call from CCRM. I immediately started to panic because I was having too much fun to go back to that hell and wasn't ready for the possible final blow. I also didn't want it to ruin my entire summer. I decided to delay by one month and think. A few days later, after a an amazing yoga session, it all came to me! A thought peeped in and said to go through with retrieval and freeze all of our embies until at least the fall. I immediately knew that was the right decision and it is what I decided to do.

I am leaving for Denver tomorrow evening and retrieval is tentatively set for July 21. I am not stressed out and have barely paid attention to this cycle outside of remembering to do my shots. I hope this continues but I know there will be some moments of stress that will come in the next week or so. I think I'm prepared.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't such a quick update.

Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing phase, one of my bad days.

2009-04-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day today.
I had a really bad day.
So much went wrong today.
Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going.
Today, I took a long look at my left over needles and bottles of sodium chloride and I wondered what over the counter drug I could break up and inject myself with for a painless death. Pretty pathetic, I know.

Don't worry, I won't go through with it or anything. I could never do that to my family. Sometimes though, I wish I could. Tomorrow is another day. For sure it will be better than today.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

2009-04-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

I stared at a blank blog page for what seemed like hours trying to think of what to write about. Do I write about the moments of happiness I've had over the last week or so because I haven't been obsessed with being infertile? Do I write about how wonderful it feels to get back into the gym on a regular basis? Do I write about the satisfaction I feel from drinking wine and coffee? OR..........Do I write about the deep sadness I feel in my heart every so often when the reality that CCRM may not work sets in? The reality that I will never have a biological child with DH. Ouch. It hurts just to write it. Do I write how I want to delay CCRM so I can hold on to hope? Anyway, I guess I don't have much of an update except that I'm still here and still struggling. While some moments are the best I've had in over a year, others are some of the worst.

If you tempt me my tank is on empty

2009-04-03T09:13:00.001-07:00

I'm on edge and I'm fragile. It doesn't take much to set me off. A mere comment is usually enough.

I am worn out. I feel like every day I wake up thinking 'it's a new day' and try so hard to stay positive but something always brings me down and by the end of the day, I can't wait to go to bed and end the day.

It's amazing how much more I appreciate the good moments. They are so few. When I laugh, I notice and enjoy the feeling. When a period of time goes by that I don't think about IF, even if it's just for a few minutes, it feels like a victory.

CCRM: New Hope?

2009-04-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

We bit the bullet and went to Denver yesterday for a one day workup at the number one facility in the country, CCRM. Wow what a place! It's beautiful in there and everything is modern. We started the day with a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft. Here is a summary his main points:

1. He told us our best chance is using donor eggs. He was pretty convinced that my egg quality is poor. I told him we are not ready to make the move to donor eggs and he was ok with that.
2. He also brought up my genetic issue: inversion on chromosome 9. I have had 3 geneticists (2 at the same clinic) tell me it has nothing to do with my infertility. The geneticist there said there are 2 studies that show it may be related so she wants me to call her. I will do that today. However, I think I'm going to stick with the other 3's opinion.
3. He told me I have to have an HSG. I have never had one. My clinic only does a saline ultrasound. According to Dr. S, this is not sufficient. He said "IVF will not work if your tubes are blocked and a saline ultrasound can't tell if your tubes are blocked." This really pisses me off because I've asked about it over and over again.

Next, I had a doppler 3D ultrasound (or something like that) and that was very cool! It tests the blood flow to your uterus. There is even a flat screen so the patient can see what is going on. Call me a geek but I thought the technology was awesome. Everything looked good there.

We had a few other meetings, one with the nurse, one with the business office, took some blood, etc. One thing the nurse pointed out is that Dr. Schoolcraft doesn't think ovidrel gives you a 'good ovulation'. I wonder if that's why my last 2 cycles looked so good on paper but didn't work out too well. Another thing I had asked about and was told that HCG and ovidrel will work exactly the same.

Finally, I had a hysteroscopy administered by Dr. Schoolcraft. He said everything look good. He seemed a lot more optimistic at this point. He said my egg numbers look really good and so does everything else.

That was pretty much it. I feel good that we went to the best place there is. I have complete faith in Dr. Schoolcraft. While I think the nurses make all the decisions at my local clinic and the RE is barely involved, I think Dr. Schoolcraft looks at EVERYTHING and makes all of the decisions himself. I think it's worth it to do a cycle there and know that I'm with the best.

The fire still burns, raging through the pain

2009-03-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

It hasn't gotten any easier. Even breathing is extra hard. I have to make a conscious effort for each breath. I feel trapped in a body I want no part of. I want to leave but there is no exit. I hate feeling trapped. I hate closed spaces.

Clawing the thin ice

2009-03-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

Since Monday afternoon, I feel like I'm walking around with an extra 200lbs of baggage and it sucks. It physically hurts to move. It takes all the energy I have to do the little things like get out of bed or get dressed. I'm so tired but I can't really sleep. I crash our of shear exhaustion only to wake up a few hours later.

The deep sadness I feel seems unbearable. The idea that we may never have our own child is devastating. How could I continue to watch everyone around have theirs without being bitter and hateful? How can I go through a lifetime of answering stupid questions like 'oh, you don't want children?' A lifetime of feeling left out? HOW??? I can hear the whispering already. I'll be the pathetic old bitter woman everyone knows. In time, nobody will remember or know the person I was before all of this.

I have seen the writing on the wall.

2009-03-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

BFN.

I can't fucking believe it. 3 failed IVFs. 2 years of TTC and not even a chemical. Are my embies so bad that I can't even get a shitty chemical?

Sitting in a bunker here behind my wall

2009-03-22T19:10:00.001-07:00

I am 13dpo. For the first time in two years, I have not POAS. Not because I'm patient. Not because I promised DH...broke several of those promises over the last two years. I haven't because all hope of a BFP has nearly disappeared. I have gotten so many BFNs that I just don't want anymore. Actually, I don't even want to go for the test tomorrow. I'm not ready for the devastation I'm almost certain lies before me.

Here by the fire side

2009-03-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

Some pictures from last night's festivities!

DH jumping over candles....

We burned a menopur label to symbolize the injections....

We burned a follicle/ultrasound 'follow up' receipt. Don't want to ever have to do another one of those.

Ok, so we went a little overboard!

Ancient Persian Holiday

2009-03-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Today is a great day! Not only is it St. Patrick's Day but it also a wonderful Persian holiday that has been celebrated for several thousand years!

On this very special night, always the last Tuesday night before the Persian New Year which is precisely at the beginning of spring, we jump over fire and chant a phrase in Farsi that loosely translates to:

"Your burning red color shall be mine, My sickly yellow paleness shall be yours. "

Simply interpreted, the chant means you want the fire to take your paleness, sickness and problems; in return, the fire will give you its redness, warmth and energy. For more information, see:

http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=88863&sectionid=351020105

I live in a condo so the best I can do is light some candles and jump over them. Traditionally, I also burn something that represents bad things from the year before. This year, I will burn a bunch of IF related crap and hope the fire takes in all of it and gives me life (i.e. fertility). In the process, I will wish the same thing for all of YOU. But if you feel daring, go ahead, light a candle and jump over it tonight saying the above chant. You never know. Maybe we will free ourselves from this ugly sickness.

Is this not what you expected to see?

2009-03-16T17:04:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't post an update. I was truly distraught on Saturday (day of transfer). Out of our 4 embies, 2 'arrested' between day 3 and 5. We transferred the other two, one a 12 cell embryo and one morula. I was pretty devastated with this result. It seemed like so much hope was sucked out of me. I actually wanted to slap the embryologist but quickly remembered it's not really her fault.

I'm starting to feel better. It is what it is and there is still a chance one or both of them stick around.

DH and I had a heated screaming match the morning of transfer which is not ideal but we did resolve everything before the transfer.

Thank you all so much for reaching out to me and giving me your words of wisdom. I cherish every word and feel blessed that I have you guys in my life. Even though we may never meet, you are all my sisters and I love you.

Open your heart, I'm coming home.

2009-03-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

Transfer is set for tomorrow at 10:30AM. I really hope we have something good to transfer.

I've lost a lot of my spirit this week. DH and I got into a big fight the day after ER and it's been very rocky. He was sooooo perfect until then but blew it. It kind of sucks because it takes away how great he was for so long. I realized that no matter how hard I try to make a cycle perfect, something always gets really fucked up so I'm done trying to control any of this shit. Once again, I really tried to stay positive but this week got ruined. I know I should be excited for my transfer but I am more scared than anything else. Scared that once again, this will not work. Scared of the pain I will feel and the long term suffering I will have ahead of me. Scared of so much. I never use to be afraid of anything. Sorry if I sound down but this IS my pity party damn it!

While DH and I were fighting tonight, he asked me what happened to the girl you use to run through the fields smiling, wearing a cute hat. The girl surrounded by friends and so many people who loved her. The girl who was fun and liked to go out and do things and be social. What happened? She became infertile. That's what fucking happened.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

2009-03-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

Out of 12 eggs, only 6 were mature and only 4 fertilized normally. I know I should be happy and grateful to have 4 but I don't understand why the other 6 weren't mature.

Is it because they cycled me even though I had 2 cysts? If so, did the cysts get in the way?
Is it because they should have had me stim an extra day?
Is it because retrieval was 34 hours after I took the ovidrel even though it says to take it 37 hours prior to retrieval?

OR

Is it because my eggs just suck?

The nurse actually said 'maybe we learned something from this and your eggs need to go an extra day to be mature.' Thanks so fucking much. Why didn't we figure this out last time after I only had 5 mature eggs our of 9?

I can't keep going through this. I was so happy and positive this cycle. I don't know what else I could do.

Retrieval

2009-03-10T01:42:00.000-07:00

Retrieval went smoothly! We got 12 eggs!!!! I hoping for a good fert report and lots of good quality embies!

I slept most of the day so now it's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake! My ovaries still hurt a lot. It seems like that gets worse with every retrieval.

ER Tomorrow

2009-03-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have ER tomorrow morning! I'm excited because I had such a better response than I have in the past.

My lining went down a little again yesterday but nobody seems worried about it. Right when I walked in, the u/s said 'so something weird is going on with you'. Thanks! The nurse told me not to worry and it was fine. I did hear the u/s technician say something to the nurse about my lining being cloudy, whatever that means. The only explanation I got was 'we are giving you lots of hormones so sometimes things happen, don't worry'. Yeah, easy for them to say isn't it?

I will ask my RE when I have him cornered...hehe For now, I'm ready to have these ripe eggs removed!

Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet.

2009-03-06T21:29:00.000-08:00

Everything was great until this morning.

My lining went down from an 11 something yesterday to a 7 something today (same ultrasound tech). When I brought it to her attention, she looked for the thickest area and it was 9 something. She asked me if I have been bleeding and I haven't. The u/s tech was surprised and so was the nurse. I'm trying not to get too stressed but it does worry me a bit. I'm going back in tomorrow for a follow up.

On the brighter side, I have 14 measurable follicles. 1 or 2 are cysts but even 12 is a really good number for me! E2 was 2375 (yesterday it was 1965).

I have a dream, a fantasy

2009-03-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger! I've been really swamped at work and other projects!

Here's a quick update:

Follie Check #1: March 2

9 measurable
6 tiny ones
E2: 650

Follie Check #2: Today
10 measurable
? tiny
E2: 1133

I can't help but be excited with these results! They are the best I've ever had so I'm excited to get more eggs and embies this cycle. With all of the bad news we get with infertility, a girl can dream right? So I decided to let my fantasies run wild the last few days. Maybe I will even have some to freeze!!

The tolling of the iron bell

2009-02-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I go in for my baseline and if all goes ok, stimms start on Wednesday. I'm scared. I've been trying to avoid thinking about IF for the last week or so but it creeps its way into my thoughts often. Each time, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and energy seems to quickly runaway from me. I can't believe I'm going through this AGAIN. I'm so tired of it all. On the one hand, I'm excited to start again and hope this will be it. On the other hand I'm petrified that it won't work. That it will never work, and the thought of that is terrifying.

You slip out of your depth and out of your mind

2009-02-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

I am so tired. I seem to be getting a lot of sleep, but I feel really worn out. I use to pull allnigheters without a sweat. I could go weeks without a good night of sleep. What's happening to me? Is it the Estrace I'm taking? Is it my age? I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't remember how it feels to be normal. My boobs seem to have gone from a B to a permanent C.

I'm starting another cycle right away. We had a regroup with our RE last week and he said we can get in on the March cycle. No BCPs this time which is great. I started 2mg of Estrace last Wednesday and I will take it through February 20. I begin injections on February 25. While I really wanted a break, the timing is good and I will definitely take a break before our 4th and final IVF, should this fail.

The last week has been rough. What week isn't? But this time, with the death of a close relative, it was extra painful. And...I'm expected to be the strong one for my sister and the support branch for my mom like I've always been in the past. I don't have any energy left to give. It seems like every day I try to have a little bit of energy, I try to uplift myself and make positive changes but by the end of the day, I end up even more broken than the day before. My mom has some very large burdens and I should be there for her for emotional support. It's the least I can do, but it seems so fucking hard lately.

Sometimes I feel like such a spoiled brat. I should be happy for all that I have and suck up the fact that others lean on me for emotional support. My mom sent me flowers to work. My sister and my mother in law sent me flowers at home. I always tell DH not to bother with flowers or anything for VDAY. I woke up Saturday morning to the 2 most wonderful cards I've ever seen. The first was one of those mooshy I love you cards. The 2nd said we can go shoe shopping! So DH and I spent part of VDAY picking out shoes for me. I am crazy about shoes and have been ever since I was old enough to talk.

Anyway, I feel so fortunate to have so much love around me and to have a DH who spoils me rotten. Yet, I can't seem to completely remove myself from all of the negativity in my life. I feel so tired and weak.

Wish you were here

2009-02-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

I've been so wrapped up in my own life, hiding from everyone. Even people I truly love. An aunt I adored passed away this week. She lives in another country. I didn't see her very often, but we were close. I'd adored her since I was very little She even came and stayed with me for a few days this summer. She seemed perfectly healthy. A month or so ago, she started having health problems. I wanted to call her. I really did. But I couldn't. Or maybe I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I was so selfishly wrapped up in my own life I didn't want more sadness in it. I don't know. I've been avoiding everyone lately. It takes such an effort. Well, I really fucked up this time because now she is gone. I have to fucking live with the fact that I kept putting off calling her until it was too late. FUCK. FUCK FUCK. I have to blame IF for this too. The old me would never have done this. NEVER. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. I can't continue avoiding people I love. You just never know.

I am so fucking tired of crying.

Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all

2009-02-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

The official word came in. BFN. I held on to some hope. Stupid, I know. But I did. I feel broken. I'm still in shock. Our 4 little embies died inside my body.

DH had an awesome idea though. We are going to San Antonio for a last minute getaway this weekend. I use to travel to Dallas quite often for work. Haven't been there for over 10 years. Can't seem to stop thinking about who I was then, young and fertile and healthy and free from so much pain and baggage. No grey hair to worry about. Carrying 45 lbs less than I do now. So proud to be an independent and educated working woman. No way was I going to be one of those women who just wanted to get married and be a stay at home mom. How things change.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

2009-02-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

I tested this morning (9dp3dt) and got a BFN. The 'F' stands for fucking btw. I can't fucking believe it. I feel like someone died. I really thought this was it. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why not me? DH and I have so much love to give. I know we would provide an amazingly fun and nurturing home.

I feel so fucking weak. I feel like this will never work but I can't stop trying. I fucking hate the person this is making me into. I HATE HER. She's everything I hate, bitter, sad & baggy eyes, filled with baggage. I use to be the cheerful fun girl who could laugh at anything. I use to lift everyone else's spirits. Now I can't even lift my own.

I'm not a religious person. At times I believe in positive and negative energy, call it karma if you want. Given my scientific background, I like to think of it as Newton's third law of motion. Whatever it is, that was the extent of my religion, 90% of the time anyway. This cycle made me question my beliefs. I was given sign after sign that this is going to work! This was my cycle. As skeptical as I am, I even promissed that should this cycle work, I will find a more spiritual path. But no. This cycle not only took away another chance of motherhood from me, it took that 10% of hope that I had.

And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too

2009-01-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

BEDREST

Today I am 6dp3dt. Every moment is going by SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow. If I learned one thing during my bedrest, it's that I'm quite lazy when I let myself. I had all these plans of things I could do while I'm lying on the couch like get caught up on some work, organize my overwhelming pile of papers and I got NOTHING done! I did obsess on the Internet and I watched a lot of tv. I even discovered the food network! I know, I'm really behind on that. It's actually pretty good. I'm using some recipes and tips this weekend. Ok, I digress. When I finally had to go back to work, it was really hard to get my ass out of bed. I even sat up and contemplated taking yet another day off but I forced myself to go. My point is, it's really easy to be lazy and it doesn't take long to get used to it.

4dp3dt-NOW

Thursday night, I started getting some strange cramps. Friday morning I woke up very crampy and bloated and I started to panic. I was very crampy/bloated all day yesterday and it really freaked me out. OMG this didn't fucking work. Wait, is it implantation cramping? It feels too much like my period. But my period isn't due for another week. But I never really had a full period last month since I was only on BCPs for 10 days so maybe my period wants to come early.

Today I woke up feeling much better. I'm not as crampy but I'm still bloated. For now, I think I've been having implantation cramping and it's starting to go away. That thought may change in the next 30 seconds. I fucking hate this. Yeah, the lunatic is definitely in my head. (Note: Pink Floyd 'Brain Damage' references in post).

Homeward bound..I wish I was

2009-01-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

We transferred 4 embies yesterday! YUP, 4!!! The embryologist said that given my history and my age, it is extremely unlikely that more than 2 will implant and transferring the 4 would give us the highest chance of success. I took it.

We had:

2 8 cell embies, top grade
1 7-8 cell embie, next grade
1 5-6 cell embie, even lower grade

She said even the dud 4th embie didn't look too bad and we have a good chance overall. I feel good and I'm glad we are finished with ER and the transfer.

ER was really painful this time. My ovaries still hurt a bit every so often but it's not too bad anymore. I could barely stand or walk on Thursday and Friday. I actually ended up having a hard time Thursday and Friday. I took the prescription pain killers all day Thursday and I guess I was so out of it anyway that I didn't notice specific side effects. Well, woke up Friday in excruciating pain and decided to take 2 more. BIG MISTAKE. I spent the next several hours shaking, blurry and feeling absolutely miserable. It was actually pretty scary. DH was at work and I was upset with him about something that happened on Thursday so I didn't bother asking him to come home. I wish my mom had been here. I felt really lonely and just missed living close to family and friends. It's funny, I really can't figure out what is worse being far from everyone or living close. For the most part, I think the distance is good because I'm not forced to be social the way I would be if I lived near home. This way, I can have my solitude. I generally don't feel like being social anymore anyway. But...on Thursday night and Friday, I really could have used my mom or just someone here with me.

By Saturday, I was feeling a lot better. I spent most of the day cleaning up an extremely messy condo. I hadn't cleaned since before my ER so it was a disaster! I also organized a few closets and got some things in order. I hate being in a messy place, specially a messy kitchen.

I've been on the couch as much as possible since we got back yesterday. If I do this again which I really hope I never do, I will have to plan our my meals a little better and maybe have a cleaning lady come just before my transfer.

Well, I guess I was in need of a little pity party. Mostly because I felt very alone Thursday and Friday. I'm all good now though. I'm glad it's over and I feel even stronger because of it. I love that feeling.

Fert Report

2009-01-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

I finally got the call.

9 eggs
5 mature
4 fertilized.

What a relief! Hopefully they will all continue to grow. Transfer is set for sunday.

Staring at the phone.

2009-01-23T07:51:00.000-08:00

ER went ok. They got 9 eggs which was a little disappointing because I had so many follicles but the nurse said that not every follicle has an egg in it. I will know how many fertilized sometime today.

I'm in a lot more pain this time. Specially on my left side. I know my left ovary had a lot more eggs than my right one so maybe that's why. I liked the anesthesiologist more this time. Last time, my hand hurt like hell and ended up bruising really badly. This time, I don't have even the slightest discomfort. My throat hurt a lot though. I think they must have stuck something down there.

I hope they call soon and more importantly, I hope I have a good fertilization report. This waiting is agonizing.

Just a little pinprick

2009-01-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

Trigger at 10:00PM tonight! I just did the Ganerelix so just the 2 vials of Ovidrel left. That's it for shots and tomorrow will be needle free!

I think I've gone through the entire spectrum of feelings tonight excitement, happiness, fear, doubt, anger, etc. There is just so much riding. I am thrilled at the possibility that I may have lots of eggs but I can't help the thoughts going through my head. Will most of them be overcooked or undercooked? Are they all bad quality? Will any fertilize? What if they don't? Does Ganerelix fry eggs? Why do RE's seem to prefer lupron? Maybe it's because there is no hope with the Ganerelix. But why would the RE put me on this if it didn't work? Did they just let me stim longer to make me feel better? Do they think I'm a lost cause? Minutes later, new thoughts enter my mind. WOW, what if I end up with a lot of fertilized eggs? Maybe even a few to freeze! I'm in a new lab after all. This lab is suppose to be really good. Maybe I'll even make it to a 5 day transfer!!!

It's amazing I haven't signed myself into a mental hospital yet.

It's the final countdown

2009-01-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

I had another follie check/blood test today. I have 15 measurable follicles, the smallest one is 10 and the largest one is 27!! My E2 came back at 2385. I am stimming again tonight but I will definitely have ER on Thursday. They will call me sometime tomorrow.

I feel a lot more uncomfortable than I did last time. I am extremely bloated. I'm also really tired. If this were during the 2ww, I'd be sure I'm pregnant! I guess it's good though. It means things are brewing down there.

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery

2009-01-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

Ultrasound technicians should really keep their opinions to themselves. They are not doctors and really don't have a clue as to what the doctor will do. The technician's unwarranted opinion is what freaked me out yesterday! I pulled my hair out all morning, kept my office door closed, cried on and off, and billed a fraction of what I should have due to my obsessive research on dominant follicles in between short spurts of legal insight. Argh....And for what? NOTHING. ZIP. There was no reason to panic.

I received the call late in the afternoon. The nurse eased my concerns and told me my RE looks at each person's individual history and response and makes the best determination based on his findings. He determined that I should stim last night and come in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork. She also mentioned that since I had several follicles that are smaller, he may just let the bigger ones go and wait for the smaller ones to have a bigger batch.

We had to wake up at 5:30AM to be at the clinic in time this morning. Dracula was a man this time and so was the ultrasound technician. The male ultrasound technician was a first for me and I felt a little strange talking about my ovaries and follicles with him. Thankfully, that didn't last very long. He said I have 9 measurable follicles and a few smaller ones. I got a call from the nurse and I am to stim tonight and tomorrow night and go back Monday morning for my next ultrasound/blood draw. Looks like I will end up with more than 3. PHEW..What a relief.

Another Brick in the Wall

2009-01-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

Things didn't go so well this morning.

I had my 2nd follicle check after 7 days of stims and I have 2 @19, 1 @ 17 and about 6 between 9 and 10.5. I have another 6 tiny ones. So most likely, I will have three mature follicles going into IVF. I hate my body. I can't have just 3! With 10 eggs, 7 mature, ONLY ONE fertilized. What is the point of even going to retrieval with this? I keep trying new things like acupuncture or changing my diet and nothing is helping. I might as well start drinking like a fish again and maybe I should start smoking again too. God knows I know plenty of fertile smokers.

I don't even know if it's possible but I hope they can let some of these others grow. I keep trying to do more, try harder, change more habits, relax, do more yoga, FUCK I even took my belly ring out. Nothing is helping.

On a positive note, my mom sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday without even knowing that I was an emotional mess yesterday. She just felt something.

The needle tears a hole

2009-01-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

The physical hole is obvious, the mental one is well beneath the surface.

These drugs really do a number on my fucking head. I was doing pretty well until late yesterday and then something minor really set me off and it was downhill from there. Basically, my dad
is an accountant and I asked him a question about our taxes and he went off on me with one of his typical rants. Meanwhile, DH is harassing me regarding the same question so my family is causing marital problems. As if marriage isn't hard enough, specially with infertility. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship but he's really been pissing me off lately. Every minor thing reminds of every other issue I've had with him during the last 30+ years. I did try to calm down and release the stress but it wasn't easy and I wasn't completely successful. I am now 100% convinced these drugs really fuck with your head and it's nearly impossible to remove yourself from it.

All in all, my family causes me a lot of stress. It's my fault too because I let things get to me, even when I'm not on drugs. I guess family knows exactly how to push your buttons. BTW- my family can also be one of the most supportive and loving families I've ever seen. Sometimes, I wonder if the bad makes the good worth it. Today it doesn't.

Follie check #1

2009-01-13T12:59:00.000-08:00

I was pretty nervous about my first follie check after 4 days of stims. Last time, I had 5 mature follicles by today and I decided to convert my IVF to an IUI. Last time I had a very strange protocol. Part of the protocol included 600IU of Gonal F.

The U/S was better than expected, but not ideal. I have one follie at 15, one follie at 13, one at 8 and about 6 baby ones. I hope they all grow. I need as many eggs as I can get to increase our fert rate!

My E2 measured at 339. Last time (with the 5 mature follies) it was around 1700!

I am to continue with my dose tonight 300 Gonal F and 150 Menopur. Tomorrow I will add Ganarelix. My next follie check is friday. I guess they are not too concerned about my dominant follie or they would have me back in sooner.

I could really use a dose of patience! I've got yoga for fertility tonight and acupuncture in the AM so hopefully that will help.

I am more at peace this cycle. Maybe it's the holistic treatment. Maybe it's the new RE. I don't know but I like it.

And so it begins.

2009-01-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

BASELINE UPDATE

I almost forgot about my baseline this morning. Thank god DH didn't! I guess after going through this month after month, it gets kind of old. I saw a couple in the waiting room, they were obviously there for their initial consult. You can always tell. Their eyes are lit up, smiles, and feelings of relief that they finally are doing something about their IF scream from their faces. Then there is the rest of us, our heads down and our eyes sad and puffy from crying so much. There were a lot of us there.

I had about 9 AFC's. Kind of a bummer since I had 14 last time but nothing I can do about that. Not much to report other than that. I will get a call later today and if all went well, I will start Gonal F and Menopur tomorrow.

CCRM UPDATE

I had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft of CCRM yesterday. I have mixed feelings about it. He said that our poor fertilization was very unusual, especially since we did ICSI. He hopes it was a fluke and we have a much better report this cycle.

He did not have the full report on my genetic report but he did see that it was abnormal (I have an inversion on chromosome 9). I explained this and he said he is not sure if he agrees with the genetic counselor we saw and if we choose to go to CCRM, he will have us talk to his genetic specialist. I don't know what to think of that right now. On the one hand I think the he is the best and probably knows everything about IF so there probably is an IF problem because of my inversion. On the other hand, I went to a PHD/MD expert on genetics and he told me he sees that often and my IF has nothing to do with that. I want to believe him but Dr. S's words have been biting my brain since I talked to him. I may have to find another genetic counselor and see what he/she has to say.

Basically, Dr. S. said that between my FSH of 12.6, the low fertilization, and the genetic report, if we get a low or no fertilization again, we may need to consider donor eggs. That was really hard to swallow and I wasn't ready for that. I guess a lot depends on this cycle. I am praying to every god that might listen that our last IVF was fluke and our fert will be much much better this time. He said the lab plays a big part on the fert rate and we will be using a different lab this time even though we are using the same clinic. My new RE even mentioned that while he lives so close to the lab in downtown (the one we used last time), he drives well over an hour to do all of his procedures in another lab. For now, I'm holding on to the hope that our problems were lab related.

I'm BACK!

2009-01-07T09:11:00.001-08:00

It's a new year and it's time I blog again. The last month or so have been OK. Lots of downs but lots of ups too. The holidays are always a roller coaster for me. The highs are really good but the lows are really bad.

So my IUI's failed. No surprise there. I'm glad that I decided to convert the IVF though. It was the right decision.

I also decided to switch to another RE at my clinic. While I loved my old RE, it seemed that things weren't clicking and every time, I responded worse than the last time. The new RE also has the best reputation at the clinic and I had this nagging feeling that I wasn't with the best. My hubby and I met with him a few weeks ago and we both loved him. I will be going in for my baseline tomorrow morning and hopefully starting drugs on Friday. Expected ER is around the 19th.

I also had a phone consult with a doctor from www.haveababy.com in St. Louis. Apparently, his success rate is amazing. He had some ideas on things to try that sounded encouraging. While we are staying local for this IVF and hope for the best, we are happy to have another choice should this fail.

We also have a consult later this afternoon with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM. CCRM may also be an option in the future but given the cost associated, it will probably be a last resort.

Other than that, I'm having some issues with my family that are causing me stress. I wish I could turn it off so I could have a stress free cycle but I don't think that's possible. I will do my best to focus on yoga and meditation this cycle and limit family interactions to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety that come with it.

Further down the spiral

2008-12-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, I know. I started many posts, but never finished them nor posted them. I've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride this cycle but I've tried my best to keep my spirits up. I've tried to move on from the negatives and find peace, but it hasn't helped. More bad news keeps coming.

My meeting with the genetic counselor did end up well. He said I have nothing to worry about. Good news I am quite thankful for. Still, it was an awful week or so leading up to that.

From day one I was uneasy about this protocol- mostly because I was nervous I was going to be on the pill for too long. I asked a lot of questions. The dates and the drugs just didn't seem right to me. Again, I hate my gut. It always ends up being right, but I never have a rational basis for thinking what I think during the process.

So the friday before thanksgiving (November 19) I went in for my baseline. An arbitrary date set based on me stopping BCP's on November 16. I didn't even get a real period- just very light spotting. I had 7 AFC's on each ovary and that made me really really happy! The nurse called me and told me everything looked perfect! I was sure things were going to work out this time. Pretty positive actually.

I did my drugs over thanksgiving while I was on holiday with family and traveling all over the place. I was ok with it after my initial temper tantrum. Today, after 5 days of stims, I went in for my first monitoring U/S and bloodwork. The results were terrible. I have 5 follicles ready to go and no chance for any more to catch up. I was devastated. After some consideration, I decided to cancel the IVF and go with an IUI. I know my chances are 1/10000000000 but I also know that my chances are pretty much the same if we go with an IVF so why use up one of my insurance covered procedures?

I went with my gut on this and I'm ok with it. It feels like a huge loss though. More wasted time. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Trying to be strong

2008-11-05T19:47:00.000-08:00

First of all, I am so happy with the election result. We have proven to the world what kind of country we are and they can all shut up now because this would not happen anywhere else! We really do practice what we preach. We are a beautfiul democracy, a government for the people, by the people and we cherish our freedom.

Now- on the not so cheery IF note. It turns out I will have do some injections during thanksgiving. I was pretty frustrated that I will have to travel with meds and deal with that crap while I'm trying to enjoy my in laws and my own family but I've come to peace with it. My friend Joy suggested hiding everything in a box and that is what I intend to do! It was either this or wait until January to cycle and I just don't want to wait that long. I am impatient!!! Also, my work schedule will be a little better around the holidays.

I also received some bad news yesterday. One of genetic (chromosome) tests came back abnormal. I guess I have an inversion on chromosome 9. I spoke with my RE today and she made it sounds like it's not a big deal. I am cautiously optimistic. I have an appointment with a genetic counselor next week and I'm looking forward to that because I am hoping to get some answers on this and some other genetic concerns I have...the same ones that hurt my mom when I asked her about it.

DH and I are struggling a bit. He doesn't recognize the woman I'm becoming. I don't recognize her either. We do agree on one thing: neither of us like her.

Other than that, I am trying to stay positive and looking forward to the next round. I am also back into the swing with exercise but I am still eating way more than I should! Tomorrow is yoga for fertility. I love that class so much! I wish everyone had a place like that to go to.

Cutting the cord

2008-10-25T08:22:00.001-07:00

So I've been pretty stressed since thursday. Thing is, I'm more stressed about the situation with my mom than anything else. I did ask her some questions related to my genetics and it really really upset her. I am sorry to have upset her but I don't regret asking. Anyway, this all happened after she upset ME about just 'relaxing'. She said some really really hurtful things after that that I haven't been able to take out of my mind. I am waiting for her to get here now after not seeing her for months and I will do my best to show my fake face and make her comfortable. I was really looking forward to seeing her but this just really ruined it.

I wish we had never had the conversation. I wish I hadn't tried to lean on her about IF. But...whenever something painful happens, a lesson is learned. I've learned a lesson. I've decided that I will shut her out of my IF journey from now on. I am considering just lying to her and telling her we've decided to just 'relax' and stopped treatment. It may be hard to do that though because I probably won't be able to make it home for Christmas due to treatment and I don't know what I would use as an excuse.

Whatever I do, I am so fortunate to have a network of other IF'ers who understand what it's like and whom I can turn to. Even though her intentions are good, it has caused me severe amounts of pain over and over again and it has made my IF experience worse. And it's not just her. It's all of the people who say things like 'just adopt and you'll get pregnant' or 'just relax', etc. I don't really have the energy to constantly educate them so I'm not going to spend too much time doing it.

For now, I will keep my chin up and make my mom and sis feel good while they are here. I don't want my mom upset about what I said but I don't want to apologize for having the concerns I have either. They are legitimate. She is being really dramatic about it too. I mean, she went on and on about how she wished she were dead because I hurt her so bad with my question. I guess that's where I get it from.

When it rains it pours.

2008-10-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who reached out to me when I got my negative. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate it.

I've been trying to keep my mind focused on different things and away from IF and I think I've done a good job. Yes, I've cried a lot still but I try to think about positive things and do other things to keep my busy.

Today though, I just lost it. I don't have time to get into the entire thing in too much detail but it started with being put on injections during thanksgiving week while I will be traveling to multiple places to visit family. Doing several injections a day, refrigerating my meds for my entire extended family to see, etc. just really isn't an option. I had reiterated this numerous times. I don't know what will happen now. I may have to skip another month which pi*** me off because they had me start BCP's and I hate BCP's.

Then I got into a fight with my mom who for the 1000000000000000 time, told me it's because I stress too much and it would happen otherwise. I'm so fucking tired of hearing that- specially from her. I've decided to shut her out of this part of my life now. She will not know anything anymore. She is coming for a visit in Saturday and I was really looking forward to it and I still am but....maybe it will be good to pretend IF isn't a part of my life right now. I asked her not to talk to me about it anymore. I hope she doesn't bring it up. She has her opinion that it's stress related and my RE believes it has to do with my eggs, my FSH, DH's morphology, etc. Gee, I don't know who to believe.

Oh, I also found out a relative who is 1 year older than me who just got married in June was pregnant (she lost the baby). I'm sorry she lost the baby but I'm jealous it was so easy for her to get pregnant. My mom said it's because she doesn't stress out. Oh, mom mom also says it's because I was on BCP's for several years in my 20's. Again, my RE disagrees but I'm sure my mom has much more knowledge.

I'm off to Yoga for fertility. I imagine I will feel much better after that.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

2008-10-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

I've come to talk with you again....

I took an HPT this morning and it was BFN. I get the official results later today but we know with a reasonable degree of certainty what that will bring. I hate my gut. My gut was babbling away...telling me it didn't work and I kept asking it to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yet, during my most peaceful moments- like while I was meditating, a voice kept telling me it worked. I must be losing my mind. IF seems to do that.

We had a perfect embryo that died inside of me. It was the only one that fertilized. I guess I was hoping this was our miracle. I tried everything. I tried to stay positive. I did acupuncture. I took yoga for fertility. I meditated. I didn't exercise. What now?

I feel so lost. I feel so beaten. I feel so empty. I feel like I want this to end but I can't stop yet. I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come back out.

Beta Tomorrow....SCARED

2008-10-07T07:27:00.001-07:00

Well, I am petrified. I have always been a POAS addict but not this time. DH made me promise when I came out of ER not to POAS but now he actually wants me to test because he is stressed! I told him the earliest I will take one is in the morning and I don't even think I will do that.

I am so scared to get a BFN that I want to delay that possibility for as long as possible. Things have been good the last few weeks with the exception of our low fertilization. I've really enjoyed the 'high' and I don't want to go back down again. And...our little embie is the closest DH and I have ever gotten to having a baby. I am just so scared.

I am feeling PMS symptoms which are freaking me out. I know, they could go either way but I've never been pregnant so I don't know what that feels like.

Please pray for us.

Feelin' Groovy....

2008-10-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy.....

Wow. I've had 2 days now, yes 2 DAYS without any tears AND feeling great! I was confused yesterday...wondering who this new person was, walking around smiling, being social, making jokes and then I remembered...it's the old and pre IF...ME! How quickly I forgot. Well, I have a new found appreciation for my old self now because the IF me really sucks ass.

I know the feeling may not last too long and dark days may be ahead still, but wow does it feel good right now!!

I've been meditating almost every day. I haven't done yoga since ER...nurse told me exercise to but I really don't see the harm. I'm missing it BAD! Oh well, of course it's worth it.

I've been feeling a little crampy/bloated since ET (maybe even earlier) but that's about it.

For now, I'm enjoying the moment and this wonderful feeling I've missed so much.

I've been tagged!!

2008-09-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have been Tagged by Nikki so here are 7 random/weird facts about me!!

1. I LOVE to dance! I've taken years and years of lessons and still spend a majority of my exercise time taking dancercise type of classes.
2. My favorite subject has always been MATH...calculus is my absolute favorite.
3. I have my gold award in girl scouting and even represented my council at the national girl scout convention when I was in high school.
4. I love talking about taboo subjects such as politics, religion and abortion.
5 I've had a shoe obsession since I was 3 years old. My mom even got me a necklace with a gold shoe pendant at that age. I have at least 15 pairs of shoes in my office alone and I often change them 2-3 times a day.
6. I'm really excited the 80's are back in style and I've been stocking up on 80's wear, especially if it's purple.
7. I have a really loud laugh. Sometimes, when people at work are looking for me, they listen for my laugh and then come running over.

Now I'm going to try and find some others to tag so I will edit this post once I do!

Our little embie!

2008-09-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

We had ET today and our little embie not only survived but was also an 8 cell and best possible grade!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and prayers!! Someone on webmd mentioned that our embie is a fighter like Rocky and I LOVE it because Rocky is one of my favorite movies of all time and I always listen to the theme song and eye of the tiger during hard times or when I need to be strong. I told DH if we have a boy we can name him Rocky but DH wasn't very amused. Oh what does he know anyway!!!

So now, I'm still a little groggy from the Valium and I am resting on the couch. I will probably want to kill myself by sometime tomorrow. :-))

Only one fertilized :-((

2008-09-25T11:52:00.001-07:00

I am sad to report that only one fertilized. ONE. They ICSI'd 7 but only one? How is that possible? Of course, as typical clinic fashion, they are not telling me anything yet- just 'don't worry, you have one and that's all it takes.' YES, it only takes one. Of course we all know that. But really, who is to say that this one will even make it to transfer? I was really hoping for a 5 day transfer but that is out. I was really hoping to transfer 3 but that is out as well.

I was trying so hard to stay positive and now this. It's like I'm being tested over and over again. How much can you handle Darya, SURPRISE- here is another knife deep into your IF wound.

How am I suppose to go back to work tomorrow? How am I suppose to go on day by day resuming normal life activities with all of this going on? I have a lunch meeting with a partner tomorrow. How exactly am I suppose to act? Like everything is great? How can I pretent I actually care about anything other than my one little embie surviving?

ER Tomorrow!

2008-09-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

ER will be tomorrow morning at 10:00AM! I'm pretty excited!! I am a little nervous because I've never gone through this before and I'm a control freak but I'm sure everything will go smoothly. It will be nice not to have to do any more injections, that's for sure.

Overall, I've had a pretty good week. I upped my yoga practice which I think really helps. I always do better when yoga is in my life! Last weekend, I had a turning point. Things were really really bad and I just didn't see them getting any better. I realized that I am stuck with IF and I have 2 choices- I can either let IF destroy me or I can let it help me become a stronger woman and a better person. I'm not saying IF will never hurt or I'll never have a pity party again. I'm just going to try to manage it a little better. It was really really bad. I'm sure the fact that I am finally at ER is helping. I think we all do better when we are actually stimming or working on a cycle.

Anyway, I will write more about my transformation later. It's going to be a very very slow process but it's a step in the right direction.

Stims Update

2008-09-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight is day 7 of my stims. I am taking Microdose lupron, Gonal F, and Menopur.

Here is the summary:

Sunday- Sept 18
-one follie at 8 and one at 10
-8 other possibilities
I freaked out for the next 2 days that I have a maximum possibility of only 10 and already have 2 that are bigger than they should be.

Tuesday- Sept 20
-2 follies- 9 and 11
- 6 other possibilities
I freaked out for the next 2 days that I will be canceled and that I am a poor responder and I will never be successful.

Thursday- Sept 22
-6 follies
-5 other possibilities
I was finally a bit relieved. The results aren't ideal but better news than I had received. Everything is relative.

Next appointment: TOMORROW MORNING!

I am feeling pretty crappy from the stims but I'm ok with it because I see it as a good sign. 2 friends told me this week that I look like I've lost weight which is strange because I am definitely bloated. Who cares though. A compliment is a compliment!! :-))

Belly ring has to go

2008-09-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been avoiding this for several weeks now but I promissed my acupuncturist that I will remove my belly ring for my next appointment. He seems to think it will make a difference. I think he's just trying to take away my last piece of youth. Ok, I'm sure he's not evil but I LOVE having a belly ring and as stupid and trivial as it may seem- it does give me a connection to the time I got it, years ago, when things were better and I had all the answers.

Ok IF, you can have my belly ring too. Just let me enjoy it for one last night. Is there anything else I can get you? Will you at least take some excess weight? No? That's the one thing you like giving me instead of taking. I hate you IF. I hate you.

Late night pity party....AGAIN

2008-09-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

Every week I think 'this has got to be the worst of it' until the next week sticks out its ugly head and shows me there is more to come. I don't know when the last time I went an entire without balling my eyes off at least once. I use to go months without crying. Months. I wish I appreciated that time. I wish I knew then how much worse things could get. I wish I hadn't been so judgmental towards people who cried at work or seemed down all the time. In hindsight, they probably had good reason.

Today, I spent 9 hours on a conference call. I should have been on location but thanks to an early appointment tomorrow, I had to cancel instead and dial in. Now you would think it must have sucked to be on the phone for that long but it didn't. It was relaxing. I barely thought about IF because I couldn't and I was forced to think and speak about other matters. I was almost sad to get off the phone. I wish I could focus on other things but I can't seem to. I feel so tired and drained from all of this but I don't know how to make it stop.

I feel so alone and isolated. I really really miss having my friends and family close. I know my mom would be more understanding if she saw the day to day hell IF causes. I wish I didn't have to rely on DH so much. I wish I could spend a night with my sister watching chick flicks and eating junk funk. I wish I could call one of my single girlfriends and be their wing woman for the night...get dressed up and pretend I'm 20 something. I have friends here but it's not the same. I have generally distanced myself from them the last several months anyway. It's too much work to develop new relationships when something as consuming as IF is around. It all just sucks.

As if I needed this!

2008-09-10T09:13:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I got my medications a few days ago and given the number of guests we've had and what a crazy few weeks it's been, I didn't have an enormous amount of time to spend on figuring everything out.

Monday morning, I went in for a u/s and bloodwork and asked to speak to a nurse because I had no idea when I will start the meds, which meds nor what dosage. As soon as I started talking to the nurse, I got a bad feeling thinking- this one really doesn't know what she is talking about but I blew it off as nerves. BIG mistake. She goes through and tells me all about how to mix and administer the lupron and that I should start on 9/12 and I made an appointment for a follow up u/s on 9/14. No question regarding if and when my period started- not sure if this is an issue but I thought it was strange. She called me later that day and told me to start the meds today (9/10) instead but I still do not go in until 9/14. I found that odd too given that I started the meds 2 days earlier but I still don't go in until the same day as before (9/14). Ok, whatever.

I have been so swamped and feeling ill the last few days so I didn't have a chance to look at the lupron until this morning. This morning I go to my handy fridge and there is NO LUPRON. There IS something called luprelide or something like that but it doesn't look anything like the vials the nurse showed me and there is only 1 vial, not 3. Of course, I freaked. I checked my packing slip and sure enough it's this luprilide on the slip and not lupron. I called the pharmacist who was actually really helpful but thought my dosage was wrong and I should call the nurse. Long story short and after about 2 hours of being on hold and trying to get through, it turns out I'm on microdose lupron and the instructions are completely different from what the nurse told me. Gee, this makes me feel really secure about how things are run there.

In summary, here is a list of all of the wrong info:

1. wrong drug so wrong instructions
2. she told me 8 units but it's 10 units
3. she told me to stay within 1 inch of my stomach but I'm suppose to inject my thigh

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

As if this crap isn't fucking hard enough. They can't even look at a packing slip, compare it with my RE's instructions and then give me the CORRECT instructions. That makes me really uncomfortable since I have no idea what else they will fuck up.

So, I get into work very late and I already feel like I've had a full day and the day just began.

Ok, taking a deep breath now.

Is the weekend over yet?

2008-09-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'll be starting the IVF process tomorrow, assuming my 3 cysts are gone. I have a baseline at 8:00AM!!

The last week has been crazy with all of the house guests. I have 2 sets of cousins visiting this weekend. DH's friends left the same day new guests came. UGH...I'm pretty guested out. I even bought a small refridgerator for our bedroom to keep all the IVF meds in because my IF is not their business.

Well, I have to go entertain. Just wanted to add a quick update. Man I'm exhausted!

BCP's SUCK

2008-09-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Just when I was feeling a little better about how I look I noticed several new zits on my face thanks to one of many bad side effects with BCP's. My skin is one of my best features, I have plenty of bad ones, but not my skin-I have probably had about 10 zits, if that, my entire life. Today, I noticed at least 5. They are small, red marks but enough to notice. Argh.........why can't there be any GOOD side effects with any of these meds? Weight loss would be nice for one. A BETTER mood would be fantastic. Oh what I would do to be in a better mood.

I just found out I have another friend in town tonight. It's such a guest busy few weeks for us. All year we didn't have very many and then BAM all at once! I usually look forward to seeing this friend and I have not seen her in almost a year but I'm not in a very social mood. Maybe I'll be able to drink my way into fun. I may tell her about our IF issues. I may not. Depends on how the night goes.

I feel pretty!

2008-08-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

So...I got the extreme lashes yesterday and I LOVE them! I didn't even get a full set- just the bare minimum but let me tell you- I no longer need mascara! This is the first time I felt pretty in a really long time. My eyes have been puffy for weeks from crying so much...I've been keeping my head down...not really making an effort to look good. Sometimes getting out of bed takes so much energy there isn't enough left over. Best part of the lashes- no more runny eye make up from crying constantly! I had a pretty good day yesterday actually.

DH is coming home today. It's funny, being alone the first few days were really hard but I'm kind of use to it now. ;-) He emailed me yesterday and asked me to cook a bunch of authentic food for him and his buddies which I am. These guys are here until thursday and then one of my cousins will be here with her husband on thursday (through monday) and another one will show up on saturday. It's going to be very challenging because neither know about IF so I have to pretend I am fine and everything is great. Not sure how I am going to swing that but there is no way they can know.

I got my box of meds on friday..looking at all of the needles and different drugs gave me a headache and I can't help feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this while everyone around me seems to get pregnant after a guy breathes heavy near them. I decided to stay on BCP's for an extra week so that DH's drinking this past week isn't as much of an issue. Call me paranoid but I'm doing everything I can in MY power for this to be a success.

Anyway, I feel like I've hardened over the last few weeks but I also feel stronger. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain.

High and Low

2008-08-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I actually made some progress yesterday and today! YIPPEE!! I got some work done! I didn't get much sleep last night but I woke up this morning feeling good! I've been trying to keep that feeling going but it's not easy. Bad feelings creep in a lot but I've been trying to move those out. I think it's going to take some practice.

I also scheduled a hair appointment and an appointment to try out extreme lashes!! This is just a minor touch up, where they just give you what they call a feather look instead of the whole shebang, but if I like it I will go all out. I figure I cry way too much these days and I like wearing eye makeup so this is a compromise. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! I think if I take better care of how I look I will feel better. Lately- I've been letting everything go because I really just don't care about most things anymore. I am trying to change that.

I'm trying to get more work done today and even volunteered to do some emergency work...imagine that!!

Anyway, overall- I think today is my first day of something positive after almost 3 really bad weeks. It's a start.

The way I feel right now reminds me of one of my favorite Voilent Femmes songs:

"Good feeling,
won't you say stay with me ...just a little longer
It always seems like you're leaving,
when I know the other one... just a little too well"

The song also reminds me of being very young and an old love saying to me 'put on the killing women song'...but that's a story for another day.

No Motivation

2008-08-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have lost just about all of my motivation. I use to be so driven but IF seems to have taken it from me. I keep trying to fight back but keep ending up in the same spot- getting nothing done with absolutely no desire to do anything.

How do I change this? It seems like IF is the one thing in my life that I can't control but I've let go of all of the things I CAN control like my work, my weight and even the simple things like doing my laundry or paying the bills. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I feel so weak and defeated. I've always thought of myself as really strong but this is making me realize that I'm not. :-(

I don't know how other people do it. How do they put IF on the back burner while getting through the day? And how do people really 'drown themselves in their work'? Please, if you know the recipe- I'd like to see it.

Well, today is a new day and I'm going to try again. I'm going to desperately try to focus on my work and actually get things done today.

Yoga for Fertility

2008-08-24T16:58:00.001-07:00

Ok. I'm trying everything here. Today was my first day at yoga for fertility and I really enjoyed it. It was a small group of women- all going through IF struggles. I felt an immediate connection with the women there and it felt peaceful. We spent the first part of the class talking about where we are and some challenges. It wasn't a pity party or a b*** session- just a handful of women who share a common struggle talking.

One girl is having ER on Tuesday. She mentioned that she is 28. Once I heard her age- I felt a sting of jealousy and assumed this will work for her. At the end of class, I wished her good luck. She replied "thanks. This is our 4th IVF." I realized how wrong I was to judge her response to treatment based on her age. Here, at 28, she had already gone through 3 failed IVF's and most likely other treatments. As hard as IF is for me, it is probably even harder for young women. At least I can blame everything on my age-whether or not that's true.

The yoga part of the class was very gentle and refreshing. The class ended with several minutes of relaxation. Yeah, this class was a good move for me.

I had a nice chat with DH and we both really miss each other.

Just jealous and missing him...

2008-08-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, DH and his friends left a bit ago. I miss him already.

I guess a part of me is really jealous that he has this fun trip with really close friends and without ME while I'm in a very bad place emotionally. I'd love a vacation right now and I'm jealous. I have lots of work to do too and I need to figure out how to cope better. I'm jealous. I guess it didn't hit me how exciting it must have been for these guys and DH to plan this trip and there it was in my face during such a bad time for me. I'm being selfish. DH has a right to go away with his friends and to have fun without me. He didn't plan it like this on purpose. I feel sorry for myself. I'm lonely. Yes, I am being a baby but this is my pity party!! I'm allowed to be that way so there. I wish I were on vacation but I can't even think about that possibility for a very long time.

I really just wanted some time with him before this trip. Some reassurance that I'll be missed. I wish he had wanted to spend some time with me. Now, I just hope he misses me and I'm sure he will but I also think he will happy to get away from IF and me. I haven't been a lot of fun to be around.

Turns out- one of DH's friends had IVF and they are due in a few months! He knows quite a bit about the procedure and everything that goes with it. We talked briefly about it this morning before they left. I was somewhat envious at how involved he seemed to be with their IF and his level of knowledge. I hope he talk to DH about it. I hope he helps DH understand what I'm going through. According to DH, this guy's wife is one of the nicest people he's ever met. I've only met her once and I liked her a lot. Anyway, maybe if DH learns that she turned into the wicked witch of the west during IF- he'll have more empathy towards what I'm going through.

I've got acupuncture again today. I also have to hit the gym. I'm going to clean up as well...I had 3 extra guys here after all! You can only imagine!!

I've got to get back to who I use to be. I use to be a lot of fun, considerate and a really hard worker. Now I'm the mopey girl nobody wants to be around. You know- the one who is always miserable and crying. I use to hate that girl. Now I am her.

I'll try and work on the new plan tonight.

TGIF

2008-08-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

I am so happy the week is almost over. The last week and a half has been one of the worst in my life. I think I am still somewhat in the beginning of the treatment journey so these feelings and pains are new and I haven't figured out how to deal with them yet. I am adjusting though. I've got to get my butt in gear for next week and get out of this mood. I haven't figured out how to do that yet but that is what the weekend is for-coming up with a plan.

I really can't wait until DH's friends are gone. It's very hard to pretend all is ok when I've had one of the worst few weeks of my life. Work sucks too. I cry in my office at least 20 times a day.

DH is making me feel really bad. Saying I never asked him to spend Saturday with me. It's even more hurtful that he is pretending it was something different. I did ask- I pretty much begged and I have proof of it. He is calling me crazy and that I'm trying to ruin his trip, etc. I've been very nice to HIS guests..cooking..cleaning..and entertaining even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry my heart out.

Of course I am upset. I have to move to IVF because he won't be around this cycle for an IUI so it's either wait a month or just move ahead and I chose to move ahead. Of course I am angry that he got drunk in my face after promising not to and knowing it can decrease my chance of getting pregnant and increase my chance of miscarriage. How can it not hurt me that he didn't care about that? Am I being unreasonable?

It sucks because I really really love him so much. I'm probably way too demanding. I wouldn't want to be married to me either!

On another note...I've been so exhausted this week. I've been going to bed very early and waking up late. I do tend to wake up quite a bit during the night and sometimes I am awake for an hour or two but overall- I am still sleeping quite a bit and I am still very very exhausted.

Keeping my head above water

2008-08-21T06:51:00.001-07:00

Well it's been a pretty bad week but I think things will get much better next week. Maybe this week is a transition week.

I finally broke down and told someone at work what is going on. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wish I had done it sooner but it felt like I was admitting defeat and I didn't want to do that. In any case, it worked out well.

I stopped wearing eye makeup and although I don't like how I look without it- I am enjoying the freedom of crying without my makeup running. I'm going to get some waterproof mascara but I may try getting extreme lashes. I've secretly been wanting extreme lashes for a while but the cost and maintenance involved may be too much for me right now. Still, I already feel so bad- maybe I should do something that helps me look a little better.

DH has disappointed me even more and beyond what I thought possible. I asked him not to drink around me this week and to wait until Saturday- he will have 9 days with his friends to drink. Well, he promised he wouldn't but drank a bit on Tuesday night and then got completely sloshed last night. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how much I don't matter. It hurts a lot. I've shown him lots of research that his drinking will 1) affect our chances of conceiving and 2) will increase my chance of miscarriage but he obviously doesn't care. And then to do it in my face knowing how much it stresses me out- well, he obviously doesn't respect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if we will get through all of this together. I love him more than anything but love is not enough for a healthy marriage. Right now, I am really bitter and hurt. I really feel like he put a knife right through my heart and walked away without a second thought.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. One of his friends came yesterday and 2 others are coming today. They will all leave saturday morning. I am going to spend saturday figuring out how to move on and better manage the stress and emotional aspects of IF. I have to do something and I hope that by monday-I'll have it all figured out.

Oh what a day!

2008-08-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

I went in for my baseline u/s and bloodwork (day4) and learned that I have 3 cysts. As I walked out of the clinic and headed towards work I stepped in a huge puddle that I hope was anything but pee.

I won't bore you with all of the things that went wrong at work but let me be clear that it wasn't a good day there either.

I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with my insurance to find out if CCRM is covered and if so-what the coverage entails. She said she would call me back today but never did. If my first IVF doesn't work I plan to go to CCRM so long as I'm covered.

I waited patiently for the nurse to call me with my numbers but she never called. I called just before the clinic closed and left her a message. I never heard back. I am suppose to start BCPs tomorrow but I don't know if the cysts change that so I started to panic. An hour or so later- I decided to email my RE....bet she regrets giving me her email! She replied but didn't really tell me much except that my FSH is 12.6, the highest it's ever been. I became devastated and scared. She also said she believes I will have a good response to the meds. Now what does that mean? I will have poor quality eggs but I'll have a lot of them? I hope my FSH doesn't stop me from conceiving. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is. I am so scared.

I am so angry with myself for waiting too long to get married and waiting too long before I went to an RE. I hope I didn't screw my chances. I know I need to patient to see how the IVF goes but it's not very easy. I feel like I made all of the wrong choices in life. I shouldn't have cared so much about getting an advanced degree, I shouldn't have cared so much about having a career, I shouldn't have cared so much about waiting for the right time to get married, the right time to get settled in my career, save $, and so many things. I would give all of that back to have a child. All of it. I always thought it would work once I was ready but it hasn't.

Well I need to get out of this funk as I cannot keep living like this. I'm so depressed and it's affecting the rest of my life. This is not who I am. I am soooo strong when it comes to everything else. I can't believe I am so weak about this. Well, I'm going to think of ways to become stronger and to better deal with IF since it looks like I will have to live with it for at least a little longer. I am really not a negative person. I'm actually quite the opposite. I need to find ways to incorporate that part of who I am into this. I've got to.

Sunday night

2008-08-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

I really hate Sunday nights because I know I have at least 5 work days ahead of me. I got a lot done today though so I feel good about that.

I had nice long talks with both my mom and my sister. My mom is the most amazing mother in the world and her favorite thing to do is mother. I know it hurts her deeply not to have grandchildren. She's been wanting them for so long but I wasn't always ready and I wasn't always married either. Anyway, we didn't talk about IF but it was a nice talk. I know she senses something is up with me because I've been distant but I made it sound like I'm really busy at work (which is true) but not why I've been distant.

My sister brought up IF and I told her we will be doing IVF and she had lots of questions! She made a few comments because she didn't know any better but once I explained why what she said is inaccurate- she listened. She really listened. I know she wants me to have a baby and gives 'advice' to help. I love that girl. I didn't talk about it too much though because it's very hard for me to do that on the phone. I can do it in person and I can do it through email but I don't want to breakdown over the phone. She will visit just a few weeks after my IVF so I will either be really happy or really sad- either way, the timing is perfect because I will need her.

I keep flip flopping on whether I'd rather be living closer to my family right now or not. On the one hand-the support would be great and they would offer lots of hugs. On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to hide when I'm having really bad days...or weeks and they would try to 'help' which may not always be helpful.

Nothing new with DH. He has stayed away all day and he is clearly mad at me. I really don't care right now. He said I'm punishing him but I'm not. I would only punish to teach a lesson. I know he doesn't regret his choice yesterday and never will. I'm just hurt. I will get over it. By the time we get to spend QT together I will really be longing for it. He is, after all, my one and only soulmate. If I'm sure of one thing-that is it.

Feeling better

2008-08-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

Well I am feeling much better today! It seems I woke up in a better mood.

DH came home around 8:30. He knew I was upset but I asked him to let me do my own thing and he did. I have a lot to do today so I won't be spending much time with him today either. Guess we have to wait about 3 weeks before we can get some good QT. Oh well.

I need to give my sis a call today. I miss her so much and I haven't talked to her much lately because I've been so down but I know she needs me for certain things in her life right now and I should be there for her. It's soooooooooo hard for me to talk to people I love right now. I'm sure I seem distant and they are hurt by that but I am so consumed with IF that I can't focus for too long on anything else...and I don't want to break down. That usually leads to a well meaning comment that ends up really hurting me and making me feel worse. I did talk to some other relatives yesterday. Even though I didn't bring up IF or anything relating to the subject and I pretended that everything is good- they managed to make me feel better somehow. Probably hearing their voices and knowing they love me is soothing on it's own.

Update.....DH is mad at me now because I told him I can't spend time with him today and telling me I'm being a baby. Maybe that is true but I'm also spending the day cleaning up and cooking for HIS visitors that are coming...besides the fact that I have work work to do. Yeah, maybe I am being a bit of a baby but I told him today is my work day- I knew I would be too devastated yesterday to get anything done. I tried to clean up yesterday but I couldn't. Yesterday was my free day. I usually take saturdays off because after monday-friday- I really need a break. This time with the BFN and the shock that I have to move to IVF- I just needed that day. Wish we could have done something together like go to the lake or a movie or something but it didn't work out and I took the day off anyway. Why am I the jerk here?? He had a choice and he made his choice. He will just have to wait a few weeks to spend quality time with me.

So...another rant about DH. This trip he is going on- well, he is going to get very drunk the entire time. Everything I've read tells me that won't be very good for his boys but there is no way he will compromise on the drinking for this trip. My best friends from college were here last week and I didn't have one drink while they got trashed every night. I don't know why he can't do that for me or at least limit the drinking but he can't. I hope it doesn't end up mattering. I'm wondering if I should put off the IVF by a month to accommodate his drinking vacation.

I know I sound very angry and I am but my DH can be amazing...he usually makes me laugh and does so many little things to make me happy. I love spending time with him. This just hasn't been a good week for us.

Drinking alone

2008-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

I had my acupuncture and honestly- I don't feel any different. I was wrong. I really couldn't relax. I'm going to give it a few more tries before I completely give up on that.

Well...I guess I will be drinking alone. DH sent me an email saying it will be hours before he is home even though he had promissed even before I got upset about him going out today that he would spend tonight with me. Guess he's having a great time. I hope to be asleep when he gets here because I'm not interested in a fight and he will know that I am upset and he will bug me until a fight develops. A fight will definitely upset me more than I am now. I am really hurt by his decision today and nothing will take it away as the day is over and the night won't happen either. I don't need to punish him with a fight but I also don't want to spend time with him when he does finally come home. He said he'd spend the night with me when he first told me his plans. I practically begged him to spend the day with me. Ultimately, he chose to spend neither. Not much that can be done about that. He saw how I've been all week...he saw me break down so many times...he heard the RE talk about IVF and how invasive it is and how scared I am about it...he saw me devastated when I got my BFN...he learned from a therapist at the clinic how traumatizing this is for most women...he heard me talk to my RE about possible anti-depressants...he knew all of this and yet not only did he still go for the entire day after I begged him not to- he is staying out all night too. That just hurts bad. Really really bad.

This is why I almost never ever ask anyone to do anything for me. Never. I never do because I hate receiving a 'no'. Sometimes I try to give hints but I never actually ask. This time I didn't only ask- I practically begged. It's a bad day for me. I wouldn't want to be around me either if I were somebody else but I have no choice.

I feel so incredibly alone but I know I'm really not. I have such a wonderful family and group of friends I could call right now to feel better but I won't. I'd rather just have my pity party alone.

I'm probably going to have 100 posts before tomorrow but don't worry-I usually don't have this much free time. I really should have spent the day cleaning up, laundry, etc. but I could barely get out of bed this morning. I decided I just can't do anything productive today.

Ready for acupunture

2008-08-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I took a nice long bath and had another breakdown. I hope I'm done with those for today. They are really getting in the way!

I'm leaving for acupuncture soon. Some German study found that adding acupuncture during IVF cycles improves chances of a BFP. From what I could tell-the study was done in a very scientific/statistically accurate manner. I'm all about science so I decided to sign up. I had it done once- just before I started IF treatment. I found it very difficult to relax and stay still (just not in my nature). I think with all of the crying I have done and how drained I feel that I will be ok this time.

Tonight will be filled with drinking wine at home.

My First Post...

2008-08-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well this is my first post in my first blog. I've been wanting to blog for years but I never thought infertility would be my topic but here we are...

I decided to start a blog mostly to have a place to vent and hold my pity parties so I apologize in advance. I'm usually a very cheerful person and known by those close to me as the person they can always count on for a smile or a comforting ear. I haven't been doing much of either lately...

I live far from family & close friends so my poor DH has had to put up with the majority of my breakdowns. I don't want to burden family & friends with this and usually when I do talk to them- I end up getting hurt by their well meaning comments anyway. One reason I decided to blog about this is to take away some of the pressure I put on DH through our journey.

Today is a very difficult day for me. I got the official BFN yesterday but I knew it was coming. It still hurt bad. We have decided to move forward with IVF. I'm not 100% comfortable with it and wish we could do one more IUI w/inj but both my RE and DH think it's best to go with IVF. I am scared of the meds- I am scared of the rollercoaster and most of all- I am scared of failure.

My DH is my soulmate. We fell in love from the moment our eyes met and could not stop the amazing attraction we had towards each other from day 1. However, I am a little upset with DH these days. Sometimes he really doesn't know how to act or what to say and when I am being completely unreasonable or I am moody (due to the drugs and the emotional pain of IF)- he says some really hurtful things. Words like 'if you could just relax it will happen' throw me into a rage. I hope he is learning. I know this isn't easy for him either. Anyway, he has some friends coming this week and then they are going away for all of next week including the 2 weekends. Once he comes back, I will have visitors the next weekend. We also had visitors last weekend. So, basically, this weekend will be our only weekend together out of 5. What did DH do today? He decided to spend the day riding his motorcycle with a friend. I asked him to do it tomorrow because I have work and errands to run tomorrow but his friend couldn't so DH didn't budge. I am very hurt. I know he loves to ride and I don't want to take that from him but it would have been nice if we could have done something together today...specially after the week I've had and the upcoming weekends I just mentioned. I just wish he would have preferred to spend the day with me instead.

I know I have not been easy to live with and I hate the person I'm becoming. I want the old me back so bad. Last night, DH and I went out for a nice dinner and drinks. I pretended I was younger and back in law school and just enjoying a typical night with my boyfriend (who is now DH). The vodka helped take IF off my mind for a bit. It was wonderful. I loved every minute of my pretend world.